The 5 Stages of Online Dating
It used to be that if you wanted to find a romantic partner you were limited to the small pool of people that went to your high school or lived in your town. If you couldn't find your ideal mate at the local malt shop, you were out of luck. There were also some things called "going steady," "petting" and "reefer madness." It was a dark and confusing time.
Internet dating has changed all that, promising databases with thousands of available singles, and the ability to quickly and accurately match clients with their ideal mates. Word of mouth has spread from people who have successfully met their partners online; those of us who are too busy to meet people normally, leave the house, or maintain our personal appearances have sat up and taken notice.
I recently went to popular Internet dating site Connect4You to see if I could find my ideal woman. Failing that, I would see if I could find any woman. I've documented my story below:
Stage 1: The Actual Truth Stage
Somewhat romantically, I started off operating under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I truly am. After creating my profile, I messaged a dozen or so women on the board, then sat back and waited for their (no doubt voluminous) responses.
Name: Strange_Attractor
Quote: Could you be the cheese on the nachos of my existence?About me: I'm a 27-year-old software developer. I'm a really nice guy, and although I might seem a bit shy at first, that's only until you get to know me. Then I'm just ugly. Ha! That was a little joke. As you can see, I also have an excellent sense of humor.
What I'm looking for: Someone smart, nice, and with a good sense of humor. I'm not too picky about hair color (so long as it's washed, ha ha ha), or body type. So if you've got clean hair, and are even a little fat, I'd love to hear from you.
Hobbies: Video games, designing web pages for friends, taking online personality quizzes.
Likes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien
Dislikes: none
No responses.
Stage 2: The "Fudging the Truth" Stage
Next, I decided that I might be better suited 'playing down' my more unattractive qualities and 'lightly inventing' some of my more attractive ones. After browsing around Connect4You for a bit, I noticed a subculture of people who said they were religious. Theorizing that they would be less popular and stuck-up than the other, sexily ungodly girls on the site, I refocused my profile to make me look more pious. Also, on the advice of everyone I've ever spoken to about this, I decided to not mention that whole "works with computers" thing.
Name: LittleBitOfMelchior
Quote: I followed a star in the sky, and found you. I brought myrrh.About me: I'm a 27-year-old professional. Also, I think you should know I'm already involved in another relationship. You see, Jesus is my girlfriend. Ha ha! That's a little joke. I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend as well. Jesus and I aren't that serious! :-) Although we also are.
What I'm looking for: I'm looking for someone sweet and sincere, who really wants to get to know me before they get to know me. And by know I mean know in the biblical sense. If you know what I'm saying.
I'm talking about sex.
Hobbies: Talking about feelings, writing in my dream journal.
Likes: Ballads written for/about The Lord, Triscuit crackers, knowing things.
Dislikes: Drugs, Smokers, Birth Control
No responses.
Stage 3: The "Blatant Lying" Stage
With none of my prior strategies working, I created a third profile, this time trying to make it as unrelated to me as possible. By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men on Connect4You- something I'd been doing periodically anyway to prove to myself that I'm not gay-I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles. I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile.
Name: SensitiveListeningLawyer42
Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms, then buy things for you with my arms.About me: I'm a 31-year-old lawyer. I am an incredible listener. I have been listening to things for years, and I am fucking amazing at it. I would like to listen to you talk about how your coworkers aren't as intelligent as you, and would like to know where you buy shoes. I would then like to show you the view from the balcony of my apartment, while we drink red wine, and I continue to listen to you describe things that annoy or delight you.
What I'm looking for: I want someone who's confident-someone who truly believes, deep down inside, that she is incredibly hot. I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that.
It would also be great if you are someone who isn't intimidated when faced with an enormous meat-wand, which Connect4You guidelines prevent me from outright claiming that I have.
Hobbies: Wearing shirts with my collar up, buying accessories for my cell phone.
Likes: Success, listening, the phrase "meat-wand"
Dislikes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien
No responses.
Stage 4: The "Screw You Bastards" Stage
Frustrated at my lack of success thus far, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how: By creating another online dating profile.
Name: TasteTheLove_TasteIt
Quote: I'm only creepy on the inside.About me: I'm a 27-year-old male. Science promises lifelike female robots within the next twenty years, but that's longer than I can wait. Consequently I need a girlfriend. Although I've never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my catlike reflexes, means I'll have a pretty good handle on what's going on. So no worries there.
A side note: I am quite religious, and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a pewter statue of Pat Sajak.
What I'm looking for: Twins if possible, bisexual twins preferably. Age-wise, it's probably best if you're over 18. No cops please.
Hobbies: Live Action Role Playing
Likes: Collecting edged weapons, Wheel of Fortune
Dislikes: Jeopardy, online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.
One response, from a team of FBI agents.
Stage 5: The "Giving Up On Society" Stage
Feeling marginally better about my attempt to freak out the squares at Connect4You, I was still stuck in the same boat I started in: girlfriendless. It wasn't until a couple weeks later when some errant clicking landed me on a really alarming fetish site, when I came to a startling revelation: People who are into fetishes are ugly. Someone who's into freaky sex is willing to do it with ANYONE, provided they're also into their particular flavor of freakiness. I don't have to be handsome, charming or pleasant, so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit before having sex. A bit of hunting found a considerably less savory contemporary of Connect4You, where I posted this:
Name: SlapAndTickle_HoldTheTicklePlease
Quote: I hope you need sex really bad, because really bad sex is my specialty.About me: Have you ever heard of those jerks at Connect4You? Man those fucking ice queens piss me off. All with their coy little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing tank tops. Damn. Anyways, I'm willing to get hit. Go nuts.
What I'm looking for: Anyone. Seriously.
Hobbies: Doing things other people want me to do.
Likes: I guess I can deal with ball gags.
Dislikes: Knives and shit, Connect4You.
One response from a fat guy and his wife.
Success!
"Success!" bahaha hope you had fun with the fat dude and his (hopefully hot) wife. Who knows maybe he's rich.
ReplyWho keeps telling Chris Bucholz he's funny?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWho keeps telling you to go online?
Who keeps telling you to comment?
Who keeps telling you to stick your dick in a blender?
I don't think rafsyd totally understands what we're doing here, but damned if he's not trying. Also, original guy, eat all the dicks.
omg the ad!- warning, do not click this link if you have moral, ethical, or religious reasons for cowering helplessly in the corner while someone violently attacks you, your wife, or your kids. WTF??? who is that ad targeted to? lol
ReplyThat second profile made me piss myself...well played sir :P.
ReplyIt's not a dating site; it's social networking and stuff, but... Nerdfighters FTW! I met my boyfriend there, who I love, and it's fab. (:
ReplySpeaking from a nerd girl's perspective... There are a lot of guys on these dating sites that refuse to even mention computers in their profile then send messages to someone with a profile like mine that says outright I like gaming and programming talking about all the video games they play and wondering if I play world of warcraft, or what programming languages I know. God damn posers make me angry.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThey are not posing. Its the fact that 99% of male gamers are sad man-children who could not get laid if they found a dead whore. So no guy admits they play.
@syn, thanks for the stereotyping. @GMC the reason they do that is so they might get responses from non-nerds, but if they know you are a nerd, they know they can show their true colors without being rejected. (fyi i am a nerd, so no insults to nerds intended)
@Syn... I don't know what kind of people you play games with, but none of my friends are sad man-children.
Nerd is so over-used. I prefer intellectual bad-ass personally. Even then, I don't find myself a nerd. Sure, I am a Tekkie and sure, I have my own dice and character sheets. And yeah, of course I own a lot of consols (older ones, new games demand PC!) ...And sure... I followed the Clone Saga and have an unhealthy fetish with physics. BUT! I'm still not a nerd....maybe.
I'm really more of a generally-somewhat-happy man-child. Unless you meant the kind of sad that actually means "makes ither people sad when I'm near them, in which case that was rather accurate and hurtful.
@Syn I take it you're speaking from personal experience
What's sad is I'm actually looking for a guy which is described in the first stage. He sounds fun. :D
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah, I thought the first stage guy was the most charming of them all.
he definitely was the best one..=]
Well then hello there what I'm hoping are ladies. ;)
On the whole, I think stage 1 guy would be extremely dateable, except for two phrases. "[S]o long as it's washed" "and are even a little fat" are kind of insulting. Just a bit.
All I have to say is this: OkCupid is the only dating site on which I have enjoyed my experience. It's awesome, and there are even fun quizzes.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI've had good luck there, as well :)
Really? Because I'm stuck at the "no responses" stage. Is it really a big deal (as mentioned in the article) to mention that you work with computers? Does that actually count against you, and... why? Why the hell? It would explain the lack of responses, though.
@businessdragon
Because people think in stereotypes. Say you work with computers and they are immediately picturing you wiping what's left of a bag of cheetos on your pants leg while feverishly playing WoW, pausing occasionally to cast a longing glance at your collection of Star Wars action figures in their original packaging.
Here's the question: do you really want to have a relationship with someone who thinks that way?
No, that really doesn't count against you too much. Are you messaging people? You don't get to just hope someone will find you.
I've had luck with OKCupid as well. Honestly the best dating site there is, you just have to weed out the creepy people.
@BusinessDragon - I'm very particular about who I message back on OKCupid - underneath my picture it says "Replies Very Selectively" which I don't like because it makes me look like a bitch... Then again, I only answer messages that are really unique and show the guy actually bothered to read my profile and not just looked at my pictures. Maybe try more personalized messages? Idk what you normally write, but hey, it's worth a shot, right? If a guy sends me a unique message, usually I'll write him back without even looking at his profile ( AKA not seeing the computer thing ) - just a thought.
I've experimented a bit with online dating... i've always had good luck, but then again, i'm a girl, so i tend to get more responses. However, alot of women on the site expect men to pick them up, so they sit back and wait for the guys to write them. I've had guys tell me that they have messaged hundreds of girls in a short time before they started getting responses, and most of them "just wanted to be friends". It seems to work better on bigger sites than smaller sites and especially if you aren't exactly looking for a relationship, just casual encounters, then sometimes you'll end up meeting someone casually that you really enjoy being around and they might like you too... that's usually the best way to go. Mine and I met on a.. casual dating site and we've now been together almost a year, still going strong, and neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time.
Reply*"a lot" is two words.
I don't normally thumbs-up grammar corrections, but come on, "alot" is the best of all grammar mistakes thanks to Allie Brosh. I thank grammarnerd for bringing it to my attention so I could laugh.
You know what's ironic...
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies... the ad showing right now, at the end of the article, is for an online dating site. Zinger!
I've got a "bachelor of counter terrorism" offer... wtf? Meet new people and shoot them?
"Camelback Subaru- ready for anything!"
That is not ironic
Irony;
Noun: The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
Adjective: Of or like iron: "an irony gray color".
Google Adsense;
Offers a contextual advertising solution to web publishers Delivers text-based Google AdWords ads that are relevant to site content pages.
That's not ironic!
That's a classic article, taking the piss out of the 'new way' to meet lovers, concubines or whatever else you can call sexual connections. Oh yeah relationships too LOL
ReplyHAHAHA - ah, online dating. Gotta love it! Makes me want to see another summary of Craigslist personals that appear to be completely out of desperation. Go Cracked!!!
Replydefinitely my new favorite cracked article. well maybe not my favorite but in the top ten. twenty. top twenty.
ReplyWell done! You managed to sound like a pretentious wank stain AND an idiot at the same time.
Well done Mechanixxer! You managed to sound like a nitpicky a*****e AND for no apparent reason at all at the same time! Damn what a keyboard warrior!
Im starting to believe our spammer friends actually go and create new sites as response to some Cracked articles.
ReplyI'd go with number 4. Hell, my best relationship was with a guy like that. He's gay now...
ReplyDating sites should be consolidated into one douche factory where all the women are teachers with cats and are still holding out for the "athletic and toned" body style professional who will listen to her shit non stop and not lie to her...nothing like realistic expectations!!!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNot everyone is looking for that. Maybe it was the bitterness and stereotyping that steered them away from you...
Or maybe stereotypes are accurate when you're dealing with a large sample size despite anecdotal evidence that seems to contradict his assumptions and his assessment of the community is completely accurate.
You know?
Riiiggght. It must be so frustrating considering guys always have realistic expectations of women.
Fuck off asscracker
That was really funny!!!
ReplySuccess!
ReplyGotta love the pimp-bots shilling dating sites and self-help books. Ah, the Internet...
Replyexcellent, can you trample the vain and fragile world that is facebook and myspace, next?
Replyvain and fragile is more like deviantart. One negative comment makes them so sad they have to go read some manga and listen to Hatsune Miku
the fact that you put the name Japanese stylt means you ARE one of "them" hater.