Stage 3: The "Blatant Lying" Stage
With none of my prior strategies working, I created a third profile, this time trying to make it as unrelated to me as possible. By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men on Connect4You- something I'd been doing periodically anyway to prove to myself that I'm not gay-I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles. I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile.
Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms, then buy things for you with my arms.
About me: I'm a 31-year-old lawyer. I am an incredible listener. I have been listening to things for years, and I am fucking amazing at it. I would like to listen to you talk about how your coworkers aren't as intelligent as you, and would like to know where you buy shoes. I would then like to show you the view from the balcony of my apartment, while we drink red wine, and I continue to listen to you describe things that annoy or delight you.
What I'm looking for: I want someone who's confident-someone who truly believes, deep down inside, that she is incredibly hot. I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that.
It would also be great if you are someone who isn't intimidated when faced with an enormous meat-wand, which Connect4You guidelines prevent me from outright claiming that I have.
Hobbies: Wearing shirts with my collar up, buying accessories for my cell phone.
Likes: Success, listening, the phrase "meat-wand"
Dislikes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien
Stage 4: The "Screw You Bastards" Stage
Frustrated at my lack of success thus far, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how: By creating another online dating profile.
Quote: I'm only creepy on the inside.
About me: I'm a 27-year-old male. Science promises lifelike female robots within the next twenty years, but that's longer than I can wait. Consequently I need a girlfriend. Although I've never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my catlike reflexes, means I'll have a pretty good handle on what's going on. So no worries there.
A side note: I am quite religious, and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a pewter statue of Pat Sajak.
What I'm looking for: Twins if possible, bisexual twins preferably. Age-wise, it's probably best if you're over 18. No cops please.
Hobbies: Live Action Role Playing
Likes: Collecting edged weapons, Wheel of Fortune
Dislikes: Jeopardy, online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.
One response, from a team of FBI agents.
Stage 5: The "Giving Up On Society" Stage
Feeling marginally better about my attempt to freak out the squares at Connect4You, I was still stuck in the same boat I started in: girlfriendless. It wasn't until a couple weeks later when some errant clicking landed me on a really alarming fetish site, when I came to a startling revelation: People who are into fetishes are ugly. Someone who's into freaky sex is willing to do it with ANYONE, provided they're also into their particular flavor of freakiness. I don't have to be handsome, charming or pleasant, so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit before having sex. A bit of hunting found a considerably less savory contemporary of Connect4You, where I posted this:
Quote: I hope you need sex really bad, because really bad sex is my specialty.
About me: Have you ever heard of those jerks at Connect4You? Man those fucking ice queens piss me off. All with their coy little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing tank tops. Damn. Anyways, I'm willing to get hit. Go nuts.
What I'm looking for: Anyone. Seriously.
Hobbies: Doing things other people want me to do.
Likes: I guess I can deal with ball gags.
Dislikes: Knives and shit, Connect4You.
One response from a fat guy and his wife.
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