It may be true that we missed most of our history classes, because we were too busy drawing Wolverine on the back of a notebook, but we listened enough to know that history is mostly a parade of horrors.
We mean it. We went to Wikipedia and found out there have been, like, two or three world wars in just the last century. Our research turned up something even more unsettling: a dark epoch historians refer to as The '70s. When you hear what went on back then, you're going to think we made the whole thing up. Some of the most mind-boggling and horrifying practices include ...
6Smoking While Pregnant
In the 1970s, people apparently refused to breathe the air unless it was filtered through burning tobacco first. For instance, there were Tareytons--with its famous "We'd rather get punched in the face than stop smoking" ads. Given that level of commitment, there was no way a few light kicks in the stomach were going to get a pregnant lady to give up her smokes. In fact, if the '70s had been allowed to continue, in another couple of years there would have been mini-smokes for the toddlers.
What were they thinking?
Tobacco companies weren't yet forced to reveal the minor "Holy shit, this stuff fucking kills you" aspect of their product. The president smoked, and TV anchormen smoked during the news. We suspect even professional basketball players smoked as they dribbled up the court, only flicking aside the butt when it was time to drive the lane.
Records indicate that it was customary for males in the '70s to wear leisure suits. These costumes were made of polyester, which was so flammable that it could be ignited at a moment's notice. Interestingly, these costumes were so hideous in appearance that they actually did less damage to the eye when they bursted into flames. The flesh-searing inferno only lasted a few seconds, but the after effect of even a brief glimpse at a leisure suit could last for days.
What were they thinking?
In addition to the flammable leisure suits, the '70s were known for rampant drug use. While combining these combustible death suits with open flame sounds about as safe as ice skating while balancing a samurai sword on your groin, things looked different to the mellow, drug-addled '70s mind. We believe this was a typical exchange:
Guy: Dude, pass me that joint.
Other Guy: Oh sorry, man, I dropped it.
Guy: Oh shit, my totally flammable leisure suit burst into flames.
Other Guy: And, the flame' spreading to mine. I cannot believe we didn't see this coming.