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It may be true that we missed most of our history classes, because we were too busy drawing Wolverine on the back of a notebook, but we listened enough to know that history is mostly a parade of horrors. We mean it. We went to Wikipedia and found out there have been, like, two or three world wars in just the last century. Our research turned up something even more unsettling: a dark epoch historians refer to as The '70s. When you hear what went on back then, you're going to think we made the whole thing up. Some of the most mind-boggling and horrifying practices include ... #6.
Smoking While Pregnant
In the 1970s, people apparently refused to breathe the air unless it was filtered through burning tobacco first. For instance, there were Tareytons--with its famous "We'd rather get punched in the face than stop smoking" ads. Given that level of commitment, there was no way a few light kicks in the stomach were going to get a pregnant lady to give up her smokes. In fact, if the '70s had been allowed to continue, in another couple of years there would have been mini-smokes for the toddlers.
What were they thinking?
#5.
Records indicate that it was customary for males in the '70s to wear leisure suits. These costumes were made of polyester, which was so flammable that it could be ignited at a moment's notice. Interestingly, these costumes were so hideous in appearance that they actually did less damage to the eye when they bursted into flames. The flesh-searing inferno only lasted a few seconds, but the after effect of even a brief glimpse at a leisure suit could last for days.
What were they thinking?
#4.
The Children of God
The Children of God was a cult--uh, religious group--that in some regards was very similar to fundamentalist Christians. In many other regards, however, they were very similar to total lunatics. The Children of God believed that whenever they were having sex, they were having it with Jesus. For some reason, rather than making them never want to have sex ever again, this made them do it often and indiscriminately. They must have been picturing young dashing Jesus, and not, blood covered vengeance seeking Jesus. In addition to Jesus-sex, there were allegations that members of the group doubled as prostitutes to raise money. Oh, and The Children of God were suspected of kidnapping children and shipping them off to other countries. Late actor River Phoenix was raised in a Children of God compound, where he says he lost his virginity at age 4.
What were they thinking?
But other than that we don't see how that plan can fail. Just a matter of time until someone else picks up on the idea. #3.
Erhard Seminar Training
We should note that our research has found that some things were apparently better in the '70s. Rumors persist of a pre-ruined Star Wars back then, and a time when O.J. Simpson was famous for footballing. Also, therapy often involved nothing more than a man screaming insults in your face.
What were they thinking?
#2.
Glass Eating
From what we gather, Philadelphia Eagle Tim Rossovich decided that being a pro-football linebacker was an insufficient demonstration of his toughness. So, he ate glass to show how hard he was. When your day job is being concussed by gigantic athletes in body armor, it's understandable that you'll start to make decisions like that.
What were they thinking?
With that sort of mind-shaping clout behind it, it' a wonder you're not chewing a handful of glass right now. Oh, wait ...
#1.
Presidents That Make Bush Look Like a Genius
The '70s opened with Richard Nixon, sometimes known as "Tricky Dick," or the lesser known "Ole' Sweaty Bastard." In his time in office, Nixon tapped the phones of political enemies, harassed opponents, investigated journalists who were critical of his administration, and dropped so many bombs on Vietnam that they started spilling over into neighboring Cambodia. Nixon's people were caught breaking into the headquarters of the Democrats, possibly to leave them a surprise poop on the carpet. Nixon resigned, only to be replaced by the Homer Simpson-esque Gerald Ford. One of Ford' first orders of business was to pardon Nixon, a subject of much controversy. Critics suspected that Ford had struck a deal with Nixon: basically a full pardon for the Presidency. The idea of Ford orchestrating the whole affair, however, was put to rest when Ford spent the rest of his presidency alternately falling down stairs and napping.
He was replaced by Jimmy Carter whose presidency is often not included in history books. From what we can tell, these men oversaw an increase in poverty and crime rates, one of the biggest scandals in American History, a recession, running almost completely out of oil at several times, and finally a hostage crisis with Iran. Yikes.
What were they thinking?
Holy crap! And we thought it was impressive that we survived the rise and fall of rap-metal! |
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"Actually, just about any of Bush's haters make him look like a genius by comparison." Oh, my god! That's either the most hilarious or most idiotic thing I've heard in weeks. Unless you're positing that every single thing that he fucked up was actually part of a well-thought-out master plan to make America openly ridiculed, create more terrorists, tie up our military in what essentially amounts to a 'vanity war', drain our budget and create a worldwide financial crisis (in which case he would have succeeded admirably) then there's something seriously wrong with you.
The "Children Of God" or "Pedophiliac Cunts" as I call them, are a sick bunch of fucks.
My girlfriend read a book called "Not Without My Sister" that was written by 3 sisters who were born into the cult and then escaped.
some of the s**t that went on, and still goes on, in that cult is massively fucked up.
Not to mention the child-raping, the leader is a bat s**t-crazy narcissist wanted by pretty much every Federal Agency going for many things, aside from raping 4 year olds, of course.
See white people are evil
Vietnam started when we were subsidizing the French war there after World War II.
I love the fact that the kid who's eating glass takes the time to peel the wrapper off the cake first. Glass? No problem...little bit of paper wrapping? s**t. My God...no. Just. No.
even though i was born in 1995, i like to point out whenever one of the kids in my school is whining about bush how retarded nixon was.
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The problem was, we elected the wrong Carter.
www.mandarintoplist.com ~ like Billy Beer, for your brain.
Jimmy Carter was a goddamned idiot, while it's true he didnt particularly screw anything up with his presidency, he also did not a single productive thing with it. he did absolutely NOTHING, a waste of a presidency.
In 30 years, cracked will be doing the same thing for life in the 00's. And It'll include Hannah Montana.
Wow, smoking pregos, sucky presidents, sex cults, glass eating and polyester death traps. The 70s sure were a crazy time to be alive!
Yeah, our Presidents usually suck.
AkaP*
Hey, man, don't knock it. You had to be there to appreciate it. It was a great decade with some great music, great weed and neuroses-driven behavior. And Carter, who is no different than any of the other presidents, bought and paid for, did attempt a rescue of the hostages in Iran. The attempt was aborted when the helicopters ran into mechanical problems and at least one crashed in the desert. The details a fuzzy right now. End of presidency. Then Reagan and the October Surprise. Surprise! Guess how the mission to rescue the hostages failed?
True, Carter's presidency would be mentioned a lot more if he fucked up or something horrible had happened. Competency is boring, that's why we vote republican! We like a guy we can have a beer with, which is why we voted for an ex-cheerleader who is no longer permitted to drink for religious reasons.
Oh, wait, i AM black, hahah silly old me! :)
I think i am black
Actually, just about any of Bush's haters make him look like a genius by comparison. The current crop of candidates seeking his office is also making him look like a second George Washington.
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willy... my dear willy! i have laughed at and mocked so many of your pompous comments and while this one is in no way a problem for me (bush is a moron, but it's good to remember a lot of presidents are only a few iq points above retarded) i'm shocked to learn that you are only 14! good god, i'm both frightened by your seemingly relentless ability to be an insufferable know-it-all p***k and sad that i've been pointing and laughing at a child.