When noteworthy (read: attractive and/or wealthy) people die, news agencies like CNN are duty-bound to report it, particularly if the deceased had especially large breasts. And, since waiting until news happens to write the article about it is so 1983, CNN and other agencies often write celebrity obituaries long before those celebrities are technically "dead." (Wikipedia even has an article dedicated to premature obituaries, with a special shout-out to CNN, who went the extra mile and actually published a few obits before the famous people in question had actually, y'know, died.)
The upside of pre-writing obituaries, of course, is that when someone like George Burns finally died, the staff at CNN just filled in the dates on their pre-existing Mad Lib of forced solemnity and published it, giving them more time to surf Digg for other breaking news. Today, CRACKED.com is pulling back the coffin lid on a few celebrity obits that CNN has almost certainly written prematurely for one reason or another.
#8. Courtney Love
The former Mrs. Cobain is a known abuser of drugs, alcohol and, through her various attempts at music, our ears. Given her ongoing state of strung-out forsakenness, we wouldn't be surprised if Love's obituary, as a rule, is slated to run as a top headline on CNN every single day "¦ only to be pulled just as regularly at the last minute when CNN's Official Courtney Love Correspondent (Wolf Blitzer) reports that, amazingly, she's hung on yet again.
Instead of waking to an alarm clock, Love has two live-in paramedics plunge a needle full of adrenalin into her heart each morning.
What the Obituary Probably Says
Love, whom some have called "the Yoko Ono of a grungier era," will be survived by a generation eternally grateful for her passing.