Keep your eye out for the following headlines, and trust us when we say they should never be shared in conjunction with that laugh-cry emoji you love so much.
Let's make a toast to the golden age of trading B.S. for cash, from before the time when a quick internet search could tell us the difference between a legitimate businessman and a jerk.
Yes, people die during these races.
We are happy to heap praise on our future eight-legged overlords.
Ever find yourself longingly watching families holding hands? Slowing down time when a child runs into the arms of their smiling dad, like in a bad Hallmark commercial? You might be feeling the symptoms of having an estranged father.
It turns out there are subtle ways that Hollywood has been enforcing wrongheaded ideas right under our noses, and sometimes in our favorite films.
Hollywood understands as much about the human body as I understand about Eritrean politics.
Life is just a constant disappointment.
Sometimes you can pick up a 'mature' film and a family-friendly one and realize they're telling the same damn story.
Everything was better back in the day. But were they? We're not sure, seeing as how a lot of our complaints about modern cinema go back far longer than you'd think.
Dear Hollywood: How about releasing a movie that isn't about something that happened, like, six seconds ago?
Ahh September, the leaves are changing into autumnal shades of yellow, red and orange, the air has a chilly bite, and movie theaters are being inundated with 'Based on a True Story' Oscar-bait.
Ahh September, the leaves are changing into autumnal shades of yellow, red and orange, the air has a...
Beneath the surface, many of your favorite games are a chaotic pile of code barely held together by the work of sleep-deprived programmers.
In terms of blockbusters, 2016 has been a bog of farts. However, there are some not-so-fart-smelling movies on the way.
As the 2016 election approaches its home stretch, Donald Trump is still finding time to invent basically everything he does.
NBC is actively endorsing Trump, all while pretending they cut ties well over a year ago with the man they helped make a star.
The wizarding world has much more pressing problems than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. We have multiple catastrophes-which-must-be-fixed.
We know Hollywood is out of touch, but this is ridiculous.