5 Movie Reboots That Must Be Stopped

The script for the movie that nobody asked for (and everyone is actively asking against) will be written by Oren Uziel, who is best known for writing the script for 22 Jump Street (the sequel to an adaptation of a TV show) and the upcoming Mortal Kombat screenplay (a reboot of a franchise based on an adaptation of a video game), and neither Tommy Lee Jones nor Will Smith will be reprising their roles.

Jones' departure is expected, since they were out of ideas for how to shoehorn him back into the franchise (having already de-erased his character's memory in MIB 2 and then replaced him completely in MIB 3), but what about Will Smith? It can't be that hard to write another end-credits rap song, right? Well, despite the fact that MIB 3 raked in over $600 million, the studio hasn't been able to make much money on the franchise because Tommy Lee and Will demand such high salaries. With a reboot, they can still cash in on the series' goodwill while using cheaper actors to play the leads, so don't be surprised if Agents J and K mysteriously transform into Bow Wow and Tom Berenger.

And kickin' and neck breakin' and-

Despite already getting a Blu-ray release in the U.S., Sony has decided to reboot The Raid, because this is America, and we'll be goddamned if we're going to read subtitles while we watch a ballet of carnage. And this is not to be confused with The Raid 2, which is a sequel to The Raid, although we can see how that would be confusing, since The Raid the sequel and The Raid the reboot are going to be released a year apart, and both are being produced by the original production company, feature the original choreographers, and will have the original writer/director brought on as executive producer.

How is this easier than just re-dubbing the first movie, again?

Still, in the upcoming live-action Peter Pan, you can keep the character of Tiger Lily and the Indians, just don't make it ... you know, so fucking racist. Director Joe Wright took this to heart by casting super white Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily. Naturally, the whitewashing accusations began to fly, but Wright assuaged concerns, stating that Neverland would be a veritable melting pot of ethnicities and nationalities, featuring white people from all over the world, like America ...

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Pan.

... Australia ...

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Blackbeard.

... and America!

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Mary.

Universal has decided to reboot the franchise, regardless of how many the Rocks decide to get involved. This time, however, it's going to be set in modern times, which is really limiting your options for sequels; the only reason the original movies got away with the whole "How has this cursed tomb not been nuked into oblivion by every country on Earth?" thing was because it was set in the 1920s and '30s, before cellphones were a thing. A sentient sandstorm in the age of YouTube is not something that people are going to stand for.

We're getting ahead of ourselves discussing sequels at this point, since they can't seem to get anyone to direct the damn thing. After the original director, Len Wiseman, dropped out, replacement Andy Muschietti left the project due to creative differences. Apparently Universal wanted a more family-friendly action movie than Muschietti was prepared to deliver. (The Mummy featured anti-Semitism and a man getting eaten alive by scarab beetles, how much darker do you really want to go?)

This, of course, brings up the question of Brendan Fraser and if he will be in the reboot. Well, setting it in modern times would peg his character's age at about 130, so that kinda closes the book on that. But wait! Fraser had a cameo in the first G.I. Joe movie (which he literally begged for). Independent of any official sanction from Universal, or really anyone involved with The Mummy franchise, Fraser declared his G.I. Joe character to be a descendent of his Mummy character, setting the stage for his return in the new movies. Bulletproof, Brendan!

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"Hey, I'm not supposed to play the mummy! Why are you bandaging me!?!"
"It'll be OK, Brendan."