4 Recent News Stories You Won't Believe Happened This Decade

4

The U.S. Is Only Now Updating Their Power Plants to Be Not Like Fukushima

The Fukushima power plant meltdown was considered the largest nuclear disaster in 25 years. Since the tsunami, the question of whether or not nuclear power is safe has never been fresher. After all, we've all seen K-19: Nuclear energy, no matter how guarded, is ridiculously fucked.

Harrison Ford's accent was only the second most disturbing part of this film.

3

Disney Is Banning Unattended Minors Because Apparently That Was Something They Weren't Doing Already

If there was a question on Family Feud about naming a place where children under 14 shouldn't roam free, you bet your stars that "a theme park" would be right there in the top five between "an art gallery" and "Baltimore." Why? Because kids are fucking dumb.

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We bet none of you kids could even Pythagoras an integer.

2

Hillary Clinton Only Just Came Out for Gay Marriage

We know that politicians like to be careful about what they say, but Hillary Clinton coming out in favor of gay marriage is a little like Jodie Foster coming out as kind-of maybe gay at the Golden Globes -- most casual Americans had been assuming it for years. But apparently, for Clinton, this has been a big internal debate for longer than most people care, and her recent announcement of support is actually the first time she's said that the LGBT folks have the right to marry.

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"It's official. Gay marriage is now suddenly cool."

1

A Cable Company Finally Realized What We Want From Them

Cable companies are pretty much the last known dictatorship in American culture. For some reason it was decided long ago that only one provider got to handle one area, resulting in a reign of cruelty and madness where prices can inexplicably rise exponentially without any kind of change in service, while features vary state to state like some kind of Mad Max-style post-apocalyptic tribal world.

"Have you tried unplugging the box?"

Now, like an Orwellian hero shaking the tree of totalitarianism, Verizon has come across a novel idea: What if people only have to pay for the TV stations they actually watch? Crazy, right? That's like going into a store and buying only the specific items you want instead of the flat rate Best Buy and Target make you pay at the door. That is how it works, right?

See, as it stands now, the cable providers have been paying a flat fee for channels -- something that tends to block out independent stations. This fee doesn't take into account how many people actually watch the channel, so Verizon's FiOS TV is now thinking that perhaps they should pay based on how often the product is actually used. This way, they wouldn't have to charge people asshole prices for 200 stations just because they don't want to torrent Mad Men.

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"I'll deal with exactly 30 seconds of annoyance before I just go and steal this shit."