See, the original CBC radio story was completely satirical, which would have been obvious to anyone who actually bothered to listen to it. Both the Washington Times and Opposing Views were forced to hastily add "Note: This story is utter screaming bullshit" to their articles. Opposing Views even went so far as to say "We got Punk'd," which, along with the 100 percent fabricated story they printed as truth, paints a pretty fair picture of their level of cultural awareness.
Relax Everybody, Jack Nicholson Is Fine
According to the Guardian, Jack Nicholson officially has Alzheimer's and is retiring forever to go die. They even began posting tributes to the actor, as if he was already entombed in one of those creepy Hollywood corpse vaults like Marilyn Monroe, despite the fact that their only source for this information was an exclusive from Star Magazine (which is a tabloid) that cited anonymous "insider sources" for their airtight information. Bafflingly, Business Insider also decided to run the story, and the ball just kept rolling until virtually everyone in the country was convinced that Jack Nicholson was lying on a blanket on his old crazy deathbed.
It took Maria Shriver, of all people, to come out and confirm that there's no need to worry, guys -- Jack Nicholson is totally fine.
Michael Buckner/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
... yeah, he's all good.
He's not losing his memory and he isn't quitting acting, which may or may not be good news to anyone who saw The Bucket List. We hasten to point out that this could have been cleared up with a simple phone call to his agent, but hey, who are we to criticize?