3 Telltale Signs Your Online Girlfriend Is a Scam

Think about it -- Frampton spent his entire damn life acquiring degrees covered in fancy calligraphy and nodding with solemn approval at supercolliders. What hope do average jerks like us have against the wiles of breasty fabulists?

Denise Milani, Myspace
"Why yes, I would love to read your Krull fan fiction -- for 30,000 rubles."

Fortunately for you, dear readers, we at Cracked have compiled this handy checklist should you ever find yourself exchanging sexy instant messages with the entire performance squad of the Namibian All-Nude Ice Capades. So if you begin receiving suspicious emails from the N.A.N.I.C. about needing donations for new tassels for the 2014 Winter Olympics, consult this list immediately.

And Denise Milani is by no means an obscure girl who once went wild one afternoon. She has a vast portfolio detailing her love of wearing jackets with missing buttons and strategically placed serviettes. Who knows how low these scam artists will sink?

"Hey, baby, my name is world-famous deceased aviatrix Amelia Earhart. I have been reincarnated as a Hotmail account."

Why? Because the Internet's about immediate gratification. Boom, that's New Webonomics 3.0 101 right there, so consider yourself schooled. (This paragraph alone constitutes 0.5 computer science credits at any research university worth its salt, college students.)

What they generally do not do is join a dating site, flirt with a stranger for 11 weeks and then dole out small requests like, oh, moving several thousand miles away to Bolivia. (This goes tenfold for bikini models.) Remember, the Internet transforms every human being into a screaming id ghoul, drunk on technology and chanting only the misspelled YouTube comments as sacred hymns. And if they aren't behaving like this, well then ...