Cracked Archive - News
The news can make it look like the world is directed by Zack Snyder while going through a bitter divorce.
The news reads like somebody gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and then set the building on fire.
The news media knows that if you ever stop being terrified, they go bankrupt.
We say this in all earnestness: Please, won't someone think of the children?
- By Carolyn Burke
People shared these last week like you're right now sharing sad Ben Affleck.
- By Cracked Writers
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The news often reads like humankind's angry, rambling suicide note.
Apparently Russia has a troll factory.
- By Blair Dodge
The news is like a series of strangers saying, 'This milk is spoiled! Here, smell it! I SAID SMELL IT.'
The news is crafted specifically to cater to people who enjoy being angry and/or terrified.
The news can seem like this is all an elaborate prank being played by a billionaire for his reality show.
Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future.
The news is like 'The Walking Dead,' only without that show's sense of naive optimism.
The news is like an alarm that sounds 24 hours a day, alternately screaming that you're going to die and that you need to ask your doctor about erectile dysfunction pills.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to binge-watch every movie in the 'Gory Psychological Horror' and 'Violent Political Drama' categories on Netflix.