But at least 50 people at a campaign event is ... sizable. One of poor Martin O'Malley's Iowa appearances was rudely interrupted by a goddamn blizzard, but not even Snowmaggedon could keep Kenneth the Undecided Voter away. The entire event ended up being O'Malley and Kenneth listening to the howling of the freezing winds outside while O'Malley tried to convince Kenneth to pretty please vote for him in November.
Even after all this, Kenneth was still undecided.
Sad as all that may be, we have to commend O'Malley for having the self-awareness to admit that things didn't quite go as planned, and the graciousness to appreciate Kenneth's presence. When Rick Santorum's afternoon campaign stop at an Iowa restaurant was also only attended by one person, Santorum ordered lunch. Unfortunately, Ol' Rick belligerently stuck to his lonely guns, declaring the less-than-mediocre turnout a success and stating that every vote counts before ultimately dropping out of the race.
The Miserable, Miserable Children
Erich Schlegel/Getty Images News/Getty Images
With no one left to care about our nation's political future and the last few being chased off by Chris Christie as we speak, how we will ensure that future generations even bother with that whole voting thing? Start 'em young, obviously. Some parents have already caught on to this technique, dragging their little ones along with them to various political events. Unfortunately, these kids' political experiences are already off to a bumpy start.
Like this poor kid, who was just trying to enjoy a friendly game of photo op football, only to receive a wad of pigskin to the noggin straight from Marco Rubio himself.
Cruel, strong Rubio, with his big, big hands.
OK, so school age may be a little too old to start conditioning your child to become the most patriotic voter to ever walk American soil. Babies are impressionable. That seems like a safe bet ...
Mark Wallheiser/Getty News/Getty Images
This baby will never forget the day he or she met the Sun in person.
Finally, we land on the one unsung hero who crosses political lines. The child who unites Democrats, Republicans, independents, and all others in a Hands-Across-America-style love chain and represents our collective discomfort at Ted Cruz's psychologically distressing visage.
His own daughter.
She too read the rumor that her dad eats boogers.
Follow Carolyn's campaign for world domination on Twitter.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9th at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
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