4

People Clearly Having Their Days Fucked Up By The Candidates

Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Some people don't give a fuck about politics or a room full of people cheering on their favorite presidential candidate. Some people want to keep on keepin' on, no matter how hard you try to cramp their style. People like this guy, who only wanted a few hours to work out at the gym in peace until he realized that arm day was the same day Ted Cruz had already taken over his space. But Rowing Man doesn't care about your Republican ideals and conservative fiscal policies; Rowing Man cares about abs. So what does Rowing Man do? He just ... keeps on rowing, man.

John Ward/Twitter
#TedCrews

For those of you who don't remember the movie, the ninth rule of Fight Club was "don't mess up an elderly person's daily routine." Which was exactly what Carly Fiorina did when she used a New Hampshire restaurant as the setting for a media event. See if you can spot the breakfast fan who wasn't having a plate of GOP politics that morning:

Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Instead, she had one order of don't-give-a-fuck, sunny side up.

While most of us might have turned around to watch the spectacle of a campaign disintegrating in real time, Ms. Eggsna Mode projected a force field around herself and kept working on her bacon.

Union Leader
Not giving a fuck is the most important meal of the day.

3

People Making The Most Of Boring Speeches

Megan Specia/Mashable

If the headlines are telling the truth, a Trump rally sounds like a mix between a riot and a round of Hunger Games. That might be the case for protesters who infiltrate the crowd, but the lady in the picture below scored a seat in the VIP section, which in this case put her in the choir behind the preacher. There was one problem: She wasn't there out of Trump fever, she was there out of curiosity. Apparently, Trump didn't pique her interest.

via MSNBC
We like to imagine five others in this picture were listening to earbuds or looking at their phones.

It so happened that this particular student waited two hours before the speech started, and to kill the time, she brought Citizen: An American Lyric, which happens to be a book of poetry about racism. Let's use her own words to describe why she whipped her book out mid-speech:

"He talked about Starbucks and Merry Christmas and I was like, 'OK?' I was waiting for, you know, when is he going to talk about what really matters to me as a young adult, as a black woman," she added. "What is he going to talk about that makes me want to vote for him? And it never got to that point." So instead of looking at Donald Trump's ass for what must have felt like a geological epoch, she got her book back out. Funnily enough, her fellow Trump-ass-watchers disapproved.

MSNBC
"Stop your literacy, dammit."

2

The Lone Souls At Slow Events

Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images

There's only so much angry ranting a person can take before they give up on political activism altogether. Sure, you could blame it on logical things like blizzards, jobs, and hangovers, but we all know the truth. When you scream at the world long enough, the world stays the fuck home. That's when you get situations like Marco Rubio's practically empty and totally bizarre Little-Caesar's-fueled Super Bowl party where he promised to ban disco, or Ben Carson's 50-person primary party that was so straight-edge that even the bartender was knitting blankets behind the counter.

1

The Miserable, Miserable Children

Erich Schlegel/Getty Images News/Getty Images

With no one left to care about our nation's political future and the last few being chased off by Chris Christie as we speak, how we will ensure that future generations even bother with that whole voting thing? Start 'em young, obviously. Some parents have already caught on to this technique, dragging their little ones along with them to various political events. Unfortunately, these kids' political experiences are already off to a bumpy start.

Like this poor kid, who was just trying to enjoy a friendly game of photo op football, only to receive a wad of pigskin to the noggin straight from Marco Rubio himself.

Bloomberg
Cruel, strong Rubio, with his big, big hands.

OK, so school age may be a little too old to start conditioning your child to become the most patriotic voter to ever walk American soil. Babies are impressionable. That seems like a safe bet ...

Mark Wallheiser/Getty News/Getty Images
This baby will never forget the day he or she met the Sun in person.

Finally, we land on the one unsung hero who crosses political lines. The child who unites Democrats, Republicans, independents, and all others in a Hands-Across-America-style love chain and represents our collective discomfort at Ted Cruz's psychologically distressing visage.

His own daughter.

BBC
She too read the rumor that her dad eats boogers.

Follow Carolyn's campaign for world domination on Twitter.

What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9th at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!

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