The news is like an alarm that sounds 24 hours a day, alternately screaming that you're going to die and that you need to ask your doctor about erectile dysfunction pills. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (2/9)

Source: CNN

TED CRUZ WON THE IOWA REPUBLICAN CAUCUSES, WHILE DEMOCRATS HILLARY CLINTON AND BERNIE SANDERS FINISHED NEARLY DEAD EVEN. 27.6% 24.3% 49.6% 49.8% Clint

A SUICIDE BOMBER WHO BROUGHTAN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE ON BOARD A SOMALI PASSENGER JET ONLY SUCCEEDED IN BLOWING HIMSELF OUT OF THE PLANE. Two people were in

Source: CNN

Due to continued low oil prices, companies such as bp AND Shell ARE ANNOUNCING PROFITS UP TO 70 PERCENT LOWER THAN THE SAME QUARTER LAST YEAR. But the

A MURDER SUSPECT WAS ACCIDENTALLY RELEASED FROM JAIL DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR. Steven Lawrence Wright had been in custody without bail since 2011. He w

A GERMAN TEEN HAS ADMITTED TO FABRICATING A STORY ABOUT BEING ANG-RAPED BY MIGRANTS. The 13-year-old caused an international uproar when she claimed t

Source: CNN

JOHN DOPSON, the mayor of Jacksonville, Georgia, was charged with impersonating an officer and driving under the influence, after he was pulled over w

Source: NBC News

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (2/9)

Source: BBC

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (2/9)

Source: CNN

FIVE SUSPECTED ELEPHANT POACHERS WERE ARRESTED ON SUSPICION OF KILLING A BRITISH HELICOPTER PILOT. Conservationist Roger Gower was piloting his helico

Source: Al Jazeera

Since the Pentagon recently opened all combat unit jobs to female service members... TOP MILITARY OFFICERS NOW BELIEVE THAT WOMEN SHOULD BE REQUIRED T

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