Cracked Archive - Celebrities

Charlie Sheen should not be snorted.

• By Murray Blanc
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• March 08, 2011

This book is for anyone who ever looked up at the stars late at night and asked the question: Headbutt?

• By Daniel O'Brien
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• March 04, 2011

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

• By Soren Bowie
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• February 14, 2011

Bill Murray has become the urban equivalent of Bigfoot -- a mythical figure who generates sightings anywhere people are too drunk to totally trust their memory. Instead of being half-human, half-ape, Bill Murray exists somewhere between celebrities and the rest of us.

• By Jack O'Brien
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• February 06, 2011

Yeah, that was a bigger job than we thought. You gots to owe me $8200. Don't make me shoot U. You woudn't like me when I shoot you.

• By Chris Bucholz
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• January 18, 2011

You have taken some heat lately from the press for your website, for your spontaneous music career, and for just generally being you. I imagine your self-confidence is a little shaken and that you would gladly wish it all away, if only you knew how wishing for things worked.

• By Soren Bowie
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• January 17, 2011

You can inject new life into virtually any film or franchise by watching it again, only this time rooting for the bad guys. Really think through the scenario from their angle, and try to break down how they go about taking on the hero. More often than not, you'll find yourself scratching your head, or outright screaming at the screen.

• By David Christopher Bell
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• December 26, 2010

Thanks to Twitter, for the first time in the history of ever, we have a one-way ferry boat ride into the inner thoughts of living celebrities, as they think them.

• By Kristi Harrison
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• November 20, 2010

Fame makes a lot of strange bedfellows. Some would prefer you to remember their connections, like Peter Scolari with Tom Hanks. Others would rather you didn't bring it up, like Tom Hanks with Peter Scolari. And there are still others who started out together that you would've never even thought of.

• By Davidb Marchetti, Philip Moon
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• November 10, 2010

The success of magazines like People, Star and Us Weekly isn't predicated on how interested humanity is in Blake Lively's new dress, the issues sell because dental patients and grocery shoppers want to see if Blake Lively has caught on fire yet.

• By Soren Bowie
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• November 08, 2010

In case you weren't aware, actor Randy Quaid has lost his marbles and thinks people are trying to murder him.

• By Daniel O'Brien
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• October 29, 2010

It was nearly the end of summer break, swim team season had come to a close and Christie and I didn't have summer jobs because all the poor kids took them. We burned the long afternoons under oak trees talking about our futures and which colleges we might like to pretend to graduate from once we were adults.

• By Soren Bowie
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• October 25, 2010

Here at Cracked, perched atop our commitment to fabricated journalism like some kind of hilarious raven, we wondered if there was more to this whole nail polish thing. And, after a bit of fabrication, it turns out there was.

• By Chris Bucholz
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• October 12, 2010

I can only hope the writings of a monster might convince you where mine continuously fail.

• By Robert Brockway
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• October 06, 2010

Especially if it's warranted.

• By Scott Meyer
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• September 30, 2010