5 Supposed Devastating Insults (That Are Anything But)

You've heard of the internet, right? You can use it to find out the weather! It's pretty handy.

Elsewhere on the internet, though, you can have armies of total strangers rake you over the coals for your opinions, actions, or for having the balls to exist. Of course, since we're all old internet pros these days, the very act of insulting others online should be treated like cooking a gourmet meal -- you need the finest ingredients mixed with the finest techniques. Otherwise, you're the suckiest suck that ever sucked and who needs that kind of suck? But sadly, some people never got that memo and they keep slinging the worst of the worst when it comes to tired, old, ineffective insults. Just look at this silly s**t.

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5
Snowflake/Libtard/Cuck

What They're Trying to Say:

This is the new kid on the insult block and he is keen to be seen. You can't fart towards Sean Hannity without someone going all MAGA on you and labeling you a snowflake cuck libtard progressive commie suckquat. The driving force behind these insults is that you're too goddamn precious for your own good. While real Americans are made of grit and determination and beef and Jesus, you're made of meringue and other French s**t that no one asked for. We were elected to kick ass in Pittsburgh, not Paris, ya wuss!

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The snowflake is, of course, a precious and unique individual who not only craves but demands special treatment. They must be nurtured and cherished at all times for they are too fragile to last in the real world full of fire and s**t kicking and real work.

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Likewise, the libtard is someone who has the brazen audacity to question conservativism from their position of ignorant hypocrisy to the point that we must assume their liberalism has "tarded" their brains all akimbo.

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And a cuck is short for cuckold which of course means you're a dude whose wife sleeps with other men. But somehow that has something to do with liberalism now. Like maybe you're so liberal, you have an open marriage? Or your tiny snowflake genitals are so decrepit that your lady is forced to lie in the arms of someone who regularly quotes InfoWars? Honestly, I'm still trying to get this one.

Why it Fails:

Maybe they just mean you're a p***y but don't want to say p***y because p***y is more offensive and women are less apt to want to throw that one around. But let's be honest, that's what they mean. So you're a p***y. Libtard essentially means the same thing -- you're liberal, which is to say overly sensitive and pussified, and also retarded. But they don't want to say retarded because that word is offensive too, and this makes them feel better.

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So essentially we have two words that are designed to mask offensive things, you know, in a sort of overly sensitive and pussified way.

As for cuck, well, if you like your wife f*****g other dudes, then you're probably fine with that. It's a whole genre of porn, you know. Just not sure what it means in the realm of politics. May as well call someone a kazoo technician.

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Oooh. Bet your wife is banging other dudes, you ... piano enthusiast!

4
Nazi/Fascist

What They're Trying to Say:

This is essentially the liberal version of the snowflake insult, although paradoxically, you'll still see people on the right use it, as in "No, you're the Nazi!" because schoolyard rules regarding rubber meeting glue are how all great political name-calling matches are settled.

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The Nazi is, of course, a Nazi. You know what a Nazi is. But there's debate aplenty over who qualifies as a Nazi and that's why it's an insult because no one, save a very few curious individuals, want to be identified as Nazis in 2017, no matter what they believe.

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The fascist tag is very Nazi-esque but a more broad and judgmental insult. Nazi is what you are but fascist is who you are. At your core, you're a freedom-hating, intolerant bigot. And then, of course, you can just toss in "zealot" or "Trumpeter" or "Putin's c**k Socket" or whatever else besmirches the essence of conservatism inside someone.

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Why it Fails:

Without question, if you dare invoke any of these insults, you'll be met with the one-two punch of predictable responses: 1) "Can't think of a real argument to come back with?" and 2) "No, you are!"

Nothing convinces someone you're full of s**t faster than lobbing out a negative criticism of their political leanings. Because, as we've come to learn in this zany modern era, the one thing no one is ever wrong about is their own politics. God have mercy on those who believe other things because those fuckers are dick-brained Martians who eat paint chips. This is an easy position to hold because it applies to literally every spot on the political spectrum. Everyone is right about what they're right about, everyone else is wrong. Without fail. And if they come at you with a critique of your politics -- Nazi, fascist, communist, Libertarian, constitutional monarchist, well, f**k that. You just don't get it. You have no coherent thought so you're just tossing out buzz terms you heard on Twitter.

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"The social media is informing me that 'dick chumper' is a popular thing to call people. So that's what you are."

No one has ever been called a Nazi, from Hitler to Richard Spencer to that guy with the Confederate Flag bandana on his pit bull, and then thought "Holy shitballs, I've devoted my life to wrong-headed bumblefuckery! I must go mow the lawns of several minority neighbors!" Not a one. They don't care because they don't believe it. The insult falls on deaf ears because it lacks any kind of weight. It sounds like judgmental, inflammatory showboating, and no one responds to that.

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3
Virgin/Gay/Whore

What They're Trying to Say:

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You lack that sexual prowess and/or you have too much sexual prowess. You have some kind of sex and I hate the sex you have. Stop your silly ass sexing.

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Sexually based insults are some of the oldest in history -- even Shakespeare wasn't above a joke about someone's loose ham socket. Despite the fact that 99.9 percent of humankind enjoys humping and we all got here as a result of it, historically we've acted like it's a shameful thing and we should all feel bad that we've done it. Why? Because people are stupid, probably.

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Why it Fails:

I'm afraid of weiners and/or the pudding hatch. My mind has immediately traveled to thoughts of what you do with your nether regions. I desperately want to be open with my sexual needs but instead I'll pretend like I'm normal and you're not.

The issue with attacking someone else's sexuality in any way is it's just so much bullshit in a basket. Calling me a virgin is on par with calling me a haberdasher. You don't know if I am, and who gives a s**t anyway? Sexual hangups of such a juvenile fashion started dying off decades ago. When someone points them out now, it says a hell of a lot more about that person and their own sexual dysfunction than it says about anyone else.

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Insulting someone's enjoyment of or lack of engagement in an activity that you aren't remotely involved in is more shallow than a layer of dog piss in a kiddie pool. If this isn't clear, imagine replacing sex as the subject matter with lawn mowing. Look at this guy, he's never mowed a lawn before! And check out this chick, she mowed five lawns in one day!

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My record is three mows in an hour.
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2
Ugly/Fat

What They're Trying to Say:

It's a bold and heady wordsmith who eschews whatever the topic at hand may be and decides the truest way to zing you is to suggest your visage is perhaps like unto a cow's unkempt anus. But of course, they wouldn't put it as poetically as that. I was trained at Insult Juilliard. They're just going to call you fat or ugly. Because they need you to know they got your number and that number wasn't very hard to count to. Look at you. Look at how you lack fitness and beauty. Just look.

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The idea here is to cut to the core of that which you cannot even hide about yourself. I need to converse with you to figure out if you're a Nazi but if you have a face like a baboon's ass then by gum, I can see that right away and I have all the ammo I need.

Why it Fails:

This is pretty much the bottom of the insult barrel. There's only one rung lower on the ladder and that's calling someone a doodoo head or maybe saying they smell, possibly supplying a doodle diagram with visible stink-lines as back up documentation. You're in lower grade school range here. In terms of insults, this is like opening a game of Scrabble with the word "cat." Yeah, you can do it but fuuuuuuck.

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Sadly, in the world of insults, you rarely get a Triple Word Score.

This tactic is the insult equivalent of Jesse Ventura's character in Predator. It's that mouthful of chewing tabacky and a big ass mini gun just mowing down everything with no thought or finesse because f**k that. It takes the literal least amount of effort possible. It's a sleep fart. It's eating pudding with just your tongue because the spoons are alllllll the way over there.

1
You Live In Your Mom's Basement

What They're Trying to Say:

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Ahh, the most precious of all online insults, for it is fragile and old like grandma's hips. This nugget dates back to the very formation of the internet itself, I imagine, when one super nerd would send an ASCII image of Mom's basement to another, bigger nerd who would then print it on the dot matrix printer and weep softly as their tears mixed with whatever orange snack dust pre-dated Cheetos.

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This insult is endeavoring so very hard to suggest that you (or very often I) have social issues. You live a Gollum-esque life because as you matured into adulthood, you were incapable of hacking it on your own so you migrated downward, to the clammy confines of your basement. Your mother's basement. Why not your father? Because you still suckle from the proverbial teat, my incompetent compadre. You cower in shadows, feasting on your salty, cheesy snack foods, perhaps imbibing the Dew and hammering away at your precious Worlds of Warcraft or Everquests.

WikimediaImages/Pixabay

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"This GameCube is my wife. We were married on the beaches of that corner over there. She is with child."

Do you even wear a shirt down there, cellar dweller? Or do you let the golden kernels of Chester Cheetah's bounty collect in the furrow of your man cleavage (because you can't be a woman, this insult would be absurd to direct at a woman), where you will harvest it for much-needed sustenance later in the evening when your guild is up to their shriveled nuts in the latest terrifying raid encounter?

Why it Fails:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To ask some guy why he lived in his mom's basement. Then the two of them hopped in a Ford Model T and drove to the nearest malt shop where they both ordered a Lime Rickey and patiently waited for someone to cure polio.

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This insult is so old, it's the only thing that can seduce a wife away from Hugh Hefner.

This insult is so unoriginal, Carlos Mencia said he wrote it.

This insult is so old, it has a pocket full of Werther's Originals.

This insult is so unoriginal, Hollywood is currently adapting it into six different movies.

This insult sucks so bad, just look how many times I've seen it.

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Christ. I live in the attic.

For more check out 6 Things You Learn Getting Paid To Troll People Online and 8 Stupid Arguments That Internet Debates Always Devolve Into.

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