So apparently my first column at Cracked really rustled some jimmies. That's cool. I've been rustling jimmies for a long time, and I'm pretty good at it. That I'm saying "rustling jimmies" is probably rustling a few jimmies right now, in fact. And while I never thought I would earn a handsome living at it, that's just what I've been doing for going on six years now. Not much amazes me anymore, but I'm still always a bit shocked at people who don't understand how the Internet operates. So out of sheer graciousness, I decided to give you all some insight into how trolling the Internet for fun and profit actually works. Hopefully this will help you to craft better indignant comments in the future.
#6. I Always Tell the Truth, Even When I Troll
Yes, I'm trolling you. No, that doesn't mean that I don't more or less mean every word that I say in my writing. But I punch up my style and put it in the way most likely to irritate people who deserve to be irritated. And if I'm irritating you, that probably means you're an uptight square just begging to be fucked with. When I'm writing, I literally take time to determine how I can phrase something in a way that will provoke the greatest amount of butthurt from sea to shining sea.
David De Lossy/Photodisc/Getty
Sorry, there aren't a lot of stock image options for "butthurt."
On the other hand, irritating the hell out of the easily irritated also allows me to sift through the chaff of the Internet for the wheat who actually get the joke. That mostly seems to be other people who like to be irritating, or people who like watching handsome men such as myself irritate people. It's kind of hilarious for all of us, and kind of a bummer that you're not in on the joke.
#5. Negative Feedback And Hate Reading Gets You Paid
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I've never done a pay-per-click gig, but I have had a few gigs that paid me extra for reaching a certain page view threshold. Either way, at this point in my career I am now a known quantity. Editors know they can rely on me to produce a stream of punters giving them the sweet page views and click-throughs they need to pitch to potential advertisers. So basically every time you read my article, comment on it, and/or share it with your friends while telling them what a dick I am, you're helping me buy another pair of $400 jeans. Thanks for that!
Keep on hating, haters.
Oh, what's that? You're unfollowing because of my article? Congratulations. No one gives a shit, because 20 other people just followed and you'll be back the second the website runs a picture of cleavage again. Unfollowing a page on Facebook is like voting Libertarian; it might make you feel better at night, but at the end of the day, you've accomplished precisely nothing.
#4. I Have Vast Experience Being A Dick
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I don't know what you and your friends were like in high school and college, but mine were constantly cutting up and busting balls. We fucked with each other unmercifully. So in addition to being a huge dick by nature (guilty) and growing up in a place where everyone is kind of a dick (New England), I also had to hold my own against some of the biggest jackoffs of their generation. Truth told, being a dick is one of the few things I'm good at. And if you know anything about economics, you know that society benefits most from people doing what they do best. You keep making my lattes, and I'll keep being a jerk on the Internet and wearing outfits that cost more than your car.