Seanbaby
Kazuyuki "Iron Head" Fujita made a fighting career out of having a thick skull. This is that skull's story. Like many mixed martial artists, Fujita started as a wrestler. Unlike many mixed martial artists, he never learned a second skill. It would take him 60 minutes to describe to you what he thinks a kick is, and he attempts submission holds the same way he tries on hats-- confusedly pulling in random directions with no results. That's because his skull is measurably thicker than a normal skull. If you were to take an x-ray of it, you'd fire your medical equipment for coming in to work drunk. He was created by filling a cement truck with coconut sperm, and no one was more surprised than that cement truck. Since he was diagnosed with this head, he has been searching for the man who would one day destroy it. I understand many readers don't follow or relate to the sport of mixed martial arts, but those readers are in luck because I speak fluent Nerd. Each section will have a Nerdsplanation to help everyone enjoy this skull's terrible and ridiculous journey. 
Nerdsplanation: To put the damage Fujita's face took into perspective, steroid users couldn't measure their dicks for an entire year when Mark Kerr hit a button on a calculator and killed the number 2. I'm sure you've seen a shortened bus filled with retarded children. Well, that was just a regular school bus before Mark Kerr waved at it. For three minutes, everything either fighter did resulted in a hard part of Mark Kerr getting smashed into Fujita's medically impossible head. It looked like an industrial training video on how to turn a human into soup using just one naked man. If I was Fujita's family, I would have already been ordering a box of gorilla-sized diapers and flash cards so he could relearn all our names. But this face-suicide was all part of Fujita's plan. After five minutes of savage anaerobic assault, Mark Kerr's brain and body agreed that it was time to give up. He went fetal and Fujita punched the back of his head for 10 minutes. Which, in back-of-the-head time, is
Continue Reading Below
Fujita's Skull vs. Ken Shamrock Helmet Laws Are For Pussies Next, Fujita fought Ken Shamrock. Throughout Ken's long MMA career, this is easily the greatest performance he has ever had. He unloaded on Fujita. Every punch and kick of every combination landed exactly on Fujita's chin. I swear Fujita mailed Ken Shamrock a list of every move he was going to do and Ken got together with Jean-Claude Van Damme to plan the most destructive and beautiful ways to counter them. Jean-Claude maybe did a little consulting on Fujita's side too, since the only move that Fujita landed in the entire fight was a crotch attack. 
This showdown continued for six minutes:
Continue Reading Below
Continue Reading Below
So it's no surprise that fight promoters decided to put him in the ring with Cro Cop. Take the man with the crazy hard head and put him in the ring with the guy who kicks heads crazy hard. The result might surprise you: partially exploded head. In an explosion of blood and duh, Cro Cop measured Fujita's slow motion takedown attempts and threw a knee into his eyeball just as he was coming in. Fujita didn't even notice. It takes so long for light to reach the center of his head that he wouldn't even know one of his eyes was gone for 11 minutes. So all he did was finish the takedown and try to drown Cro Cop in ocular blood. The referee had to inflate a life raft just to paddle over and stop the fight.
Fujita's Skull vs. Fedor Emelianenko A New Hope By this point in his career, the world now knows that Kazuyuki Fujita has only two assets: a clumsy takedown and a forcefield where his brain's reflexes should be. So PRIDE Fighting Championships decided he was ready to take on the best fighter in the world, Fedor Emelianenko. Fight promoters apparently gave up on finding someone who could beat the guy and now they were just using him to conduct further stress tests on Fujita's head. They were sure that Fedor would be the thing to finally crack it open and allow evil scientists to reverse engineer his remains, almost certainly to grow a more durable sex melon and unkillable robots to fuck them. Then Fujita did something that surprised even him-- he almost won! He landed a knee-buckling counter punch that to this day is the closest anyone has come to beating Fedor. In a waste of his body's natural punching bag camouflage, he was about to beat someone by hitting them. Unfortunately, Fedor found a practical solution to Fujita: get behind him, grab his unbreakable head, and yank it the fuck off his body. The official fight records call it a "rear naked choke," but that's like calling Tiananmen Square a wet t-shirt contest. If the ref hadn't stopped him, Fedor was going to take that head home to his spaceship and polish it.
Fujita's Skull vs. Wanderlei Silva On The Wings of Hope Cro Cop proved that Fujita's head is living tissue over a metal endoskeleton, and then Fedor proved that it will surrender if you start to sever it from its body. But Japanese fight promoters still hadn't gotten a chance to see someone just pound on it until it cracked. Will it explode when you expose its core? Is it filled with something that you can rape with an octopus? That's when it hit them: Wanderlei Silva. That guy hates skulls. At the time, the country of Japan was using Wanderlei Silva to control the fighter population and they occasionally dragged him on a chain through the ocean to hunt whales in the least humane way possible. 
The fight was a massacre. Fujita tried every both of his techniques against Wanderlei. He slowly waited to get punched
Fujita's Skull vs. James Thompson Don't Call It A Comeback! I Was Kind of Never Here! James Thompson is an imposing figure. So imposing that during the staredown, Fujita admired his abs and groin area and gave him an approving thumbs up. It was unprecedentedly inappropriate, but there was a science to this flirting. F.F.S. works a lot better if your opponent comes at you in a completely incoherent homophobic rage. And James Thompson did. Thompson manhandled him, hitting him with hundreds of unanswered punches and knees. He was going to prove he wasn't gay even if he had to thrust every last bit of his vitamin-supplemented shirtless body against Fujita's beast-like hide. It probably smelled like a leather smoothie, but gayer than that sounds.
Fujita's Skull vs. Alistair Overeem The Final Crusade Alistair Overeem is a Dutch kickboxer who looks like someone at Marvel comics drew a man genetically engineered to fuck your girlfriend. And at the end of 2009, this giant, black Thor beast
Here's the crazy part, though: he doesn't get back up. He stays on the ground holding his head, as baffled as the rest of us. I have a theory that the previous 17,000 blows to the head all gave him amnesia and this one Looney Tunes bonk gave his head all its memories back. Japan finally got what it wanted, only there was no candy surprise inside Fujita. There was no tiny pilot demanding to know why you humans broke his apeship. Just a guy with a decade's worth of fist craters and bad decisions catching up to him all at the same time. It'd be almost tragic if you could look away from the slow motion rippling of Alistair's muscles in the instant replay.
293 Comments