Worst Life Ever: The Story of Kazuyuki Fujita's Skull
Kazuyuki "Iron Head" Fujita made a fighting career out of having a thick skull. This is that skull's story. Like many mixed martial artists, Fujita started as a wrestler. Unlike many mixed martial artists, he never learned a second skill. It would take him 60 minutes to describe to you what he thinks a kick is, and he attempts submission holds the same way he tries on hats-- confusedly pulling in random directions with no results. That's because his skull is measurably thicker than a normal skull. If you were to take an x-ray of it, you'd fire your medical equipment for coming in to work drunk. He was created by filling a cement truck with coconut sperm, and no one was more surprised than that cement truck. Since he was diagnosed with this head, he has been searching for the man who would one day destroy it. I understand many readers don't follow or relate to the sport of mixed martial arts, but those readers are in luck because I speak fluent Nerd. Each section will have a Nerdsplanation to help everyone enjoy this skull's terrible and ridiculous journey. Fujita's Skull vs. Mark Kerr The Birth of F.F.S. In Fujita's fourth professional fight he faced 260-veiny-pounds of world-class wrestling and emotional issues named Mark Kerr. Using a style of kickboxing based around the tango and signaling rescue planes, Fujita hopped around like a scarecrow in gunfire while Mark Kerr blasted him in the face with punches and knees. Mark Kerr wasn't exactly Bruce Lee himself, but when you bench press 600 pounds, just swinging your paw through the air is going to knock salmon out of every river for two miles. Nerdsplanation: To put the damage Fujita's face took into perspective, steroid users couldn't measure their dicks for an entire year when Mark Kerr hit a button on a calculator and killed the number 2. I'm sure you've seen a shortened bus filled with retarded children. Well, that was just a regular school bus before Mark Kerr waved at it. For three minutes, everything either fighter did resulted in a hard part of Mark Kerr getting smashed into Fujita's medically impossible head. It looked like an industrial training video on how to turn a human into soup using just one naked man. If I was Fujita's family, I would have already been ordering a box of gorilla-sized diapers and flash cards so he could relearn all our names. But this face-suicide was all part of Fujita's plan. After five minutes of savage anaerobic assault, Mark Kerr's brain and body agreed that it was time to give up. He went fetal and Fujita punched the back of his head for 10 minutes. Which, in back-of-the-head time, is
fucking forever. This surprising win led to the invention of the F.ujita F.ight S.ystem which would serve him well throughout his career. Let's go over the basics: 1. Receive beating until opponent falls asleep. 2. Maul opponent's unconscious body. 3. Realize that the celebration banana was a trick and that you've once again been led into a cage for safe transport. Fujita's Skull vs. Ken Shamrock Helmet Laws Are For Pussies Next, Fujita fought Ken Shamrock. Throughout Ken's long MMA career, this is easily the greatest performance he has ever had. He unloaded on Fujita. Every punch and kick of every combination landed exactly on Fujita's chin. I swear Fujita mailed Ken Shamrock a list of every move he was going to do and Ken got together with Jean-Claude Van Damme to plan the most destructive and beautiful ways to counter them. Jean-Claude maybe did a little consulting on Fujita's side too, since the only move that Fujita landed in the entire fight was a crotch attack. This showdown continued for six minutes: Ken Shamrock's extensive martial arts training vs. a mixup in Fujita's head DNA. But Shamrock was no match for F.S.S. Something strange happened. Ken beat this man so hard that he, no bullshit, started having heart palpitations and his corner threw in the towel. Seriously: Fujita took a beating so severe that the man doing it had a goddamn heart attack. I guess it was a strategy devised by his stand-up coach, Anna Nicole Smith's vagina. And while doctors were treating Ken Shamrock, the only thing that was hurt on Fujita was the team of archaeologists that happened to be exploring his skull's upper mantle at the time. Nerdsplanation: When creating characters in video games, you often have to make sacrifices. For example, your rogue doesn't have enough points to learn Mutilate AND Killing Spree. It's the same thing when scientists create igneous-skulled punching bag monsters. If you spring for Invincible Head, there aren't enough points left over to put into Agility. Fujita actually has a -65 to Dodge which means cars instinctively swerve into him, and it takes him 10 minutes and a man-shaped hole in the wall to get through a doorway.