enormous, important ships and plant bombs on them without being noticed? And a hospital? And a guy's stomach? Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?
" There were other questions, but I won't bore you. They were mostly about oil. My favorite quote from the whole ordeal comes from the Mayor himself who says "There is only one Batman in the world." That is a sentence that an elected official actually said,
presumably with a straight face. Which, of course, brings me to:People Who Would Probably Be Pissed Off by That Statement
-Christian Bale -Michael Keaton -Val Kilmer -George Clooney -Adam West -The People Who Made
(I'm assuming they own the copyright for 'Things for Which There Can Be Only One.) -Kevin Conroy -Azrael [subtitle]X Top [X] Statues That I Kind of Want To Have Sex With[/subtitle]
This one. [subtitle]X [X] People Who Have Book Deals But Shouldn't[/subtitle]
This little Shit
Alec Grevin is a 9-year-old boy who recently published a book
with HarperCollins. The book is a guide on how to talk to girls and is titled "How to Talk to Girls," because 9-year-olds aren't creative or interesting. Nine years old.
Horseshit. You know, it may even be filled with some useful advice, but that's not really a surprise- of course
he's an expert on talking to girls; boobs haven't even entered the equation yet. Give it a few years, Little Archie, (or whatever), and you'll find that, no matter
how many books
he reads, a 13-year-old boy is absolutely powerless when he first encounters boobs in the wild. And I don't mean to pick on a 9-year-old kid, I'm sure he's wonderful and his book is a masterpiece. I've just been trying to sell my own guide to women, (Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman's Guide to Snaggin' Skanky Blonde Hoodrats
), for years
and the publishers, shockingly enough, haven't been too receptive. The book functions as a comprehensive guide to some of those tricky issues, like when to meet her parents, ("Never"), what kind of nickname you should give her, ("None. She is a skanky blonde hoodrat. Don't get attached."), and how to do the right thing if she gets pregnant, ("Fake a seizure, leave town after she takes you to the hospital.") It also includes some of the best pick up lines ever put to page, including:
- "Baby, are your legs tired? Because I slipped a muscle-relaxant in your drink while you were on the toilet." - "Lady, you must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me boner.
" - "Excuse me, Ma'am, but why don't you make like the economy and
get fucked by me.
" [Note: Only works if it's well-established that your nickname is 'The Government,' or something similar.
] - "If you can guess what number I'm thinking of, I'll let you have sex with me in the back of a Nissan Sentra." [Note: No matter what she says, pretend it's the number you were thinking of. And if she did guess the number you were thinking of, she might be a witch. Drown her post coital.
] - "Hey, what's goin' on with that vag of yours? Anything I'd be interested in?" - "Ma'am, I'd like to show you an amazing device that'll take you anywhere in the world." [Note: Only works if she's extremely foreign, extremely young or otherwise suffers from a mental condition that makes her unfamiliar with the concept of an automobile and, specifically, a Nissan Sentra.
This book is ready
, HarperCollins, and you look like a fool for not picking it up. [subtitle]X [X] Irrational Fears That I Genuinely Suffer From[/subtitle] ["Irrational Fears" is actually one of the most fascinating topics in the world, to me. I don't know why, but I've always been really obsessed with it and, if you email your irrational fears to dan(at)cracked.com, I can guarantee you that it would make my day.]***
My Toilet Exploding
I check my toilet, on average, four times every hour, (in addition to my regular schedule of standard toilet visits). I just pop my head into the bathroom for a second to make sure my toilet isn't up to anything funny. I can't help myself. And I don't do it with other appliances or pieces of furniture. I only look at my bathtub when absolutely necessary, and I can sometimes go weeks without seeing or even speaking to my toaster. But this fucking toilet has my number. I believe, for no coherent reason, that my toilet will explode, or more accurately, that all of the sewage that currently hides beneath Los Angeles will get tired of being ignored and will decide to burst triumphantly out of my toilet. Sewage would flow majestically, as if my toilet was some sort of nightmare shit fountain that hates me. I have visions of myself staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed completely helpless, because who do I call? When you're dealing with an unstoppable volcano of waste, who do you call? A plumber? The police? Mommy? Jesus? What could they do? They, like me, could do nothing to stop this. Even a plumber is, without a doubt, unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude. So I'd just stand there and wait until this stopped which, in my mind, is never. There's no childhood fear behind this. I've never been witness to any out-of-the-ordinary toilet-related complications. I don't even know if this kind of powerful vertical shit expulsion is something a toilet is actually capable of doing. All I have to go on is my terrible, terrible visions and this drawing I made to explain it to my therapist.
If the comments of this article are any indication, (as well as the 100+ emails I've received), the people of the world are just as interested in irrational fears as I am. To speak to this desire, the lovely and talented Lounsey has decided to start a Blog
wherein users can submit their own irrational fears, and waste hours reading about the fears of others.