Four years ago, I wrote an article for an entertainment website on the best film deaths of non-memorable characters. In the very first comment, a gentleman from Australia who evidently disagreed with my assessments encouraged me to f**k myself and called me a "Gaping chick hole." I know he was from Australia because I looked up his IP address. The comment has since been deleted, but the damage was done. I think what hurt most about the whole ordeal was the confusion. While priding myself on sexual competency, I wasn't sure I knew what a chick hole was. I'm still not sure. I'm assuming he meant a vagina, but his insult discounted any of the working pieces. He didn't call me labia or vulva. No, to him I was the nothingness between all the fleshy folds and sensitivities. The hole itself. I was the absence of anything standing between walls of greatness. That hurt, and SOPA represents the first opportunity I have to really make him pay.

"This negative space right here? That's you. Like a tiny vagina ghost."

Thanks to some furious Internet detectiving, I know that he has a blog with its own domain. I won't share the link here, because he doesn't deserve the traffic. All you need to know is that this blog violates several of the rules laid out by SOPA. He has uploaded video from the women's half-pipe competition at the 2010 Olympics, recorded directly from his television, as well as some damning footage of him doing acoustic covers of Linkin Park songs. In addition, throughout all his asinine posts, he refuses to use apostrophes or to capitalize anything, which isn't technically illegal according to the current version of the bill but worth pointing out so you know exactly the kind of a*****e we're dealing with.

Yep, now we're on the same page.

Now, for anyone who doesn't understand the ins and outs of SOPA's enforcement policies, let me describe exactly how this will play out in each delicious detail. First, Universal, Disney, Viacom or any of the other entertainment giants would need to be convinced that he is deliberately infringing on their copyrights. This shouldn't be too difficult, because these companies have a long history of