Hitler videos about it. Everyone, that is, except for me. I'm supporting SOPA and its crafty sister bill, PIPA, because I am not interested in what the future holds for social media or the fate of knowledge, artistic expression or even interpersonal connections around the world. I am interested in revenge.

Four years ago, I wrote an article for an entertainment website on the best film deaths of non-memorable characters. In the very first comment, a gentleman from Australia who evidently disagreed with my assessments encouraged me to fuck myself and called me a "Gaping chick hole." I know he was from Australia because I looked up his IP address. The comment has since been deleted, but the damage was done. I think what hurt most about the whole ordeal was the confusion. While priding myself on sexual competency, I wasn't sure I knew what a chick hole was. I'm still not sure. I'm assuming he meant a vagina, but his insult discounted any of the working pieces. He didn't call me labia or vulva. No, to him I was the nothingness between all the fleshy folds and sensitivities. The hole itself. I was the absence of anything standing between walls of greatness. That hurt, and SOPA represents the first opportunity I have to really make him pay.

"This negative space right here? That's you. Like a tiny vagina ghost."

Thanks to some furious Internet detectiving, I know that he has a blog with its own domain. I won't share the link here, because he doesn't deserve the traffic. All you need to know is that this blog violates several of the rules laid out by SOPA. He has uploaded video from the women's half-pipe competition at the 2010 Olympics, recorded directly from his television, as well as some damning footage of him doing acoustic covers of Linkin Park songs. In addition, throughout all his asinine posts, he refuses to use apostrophes or to capitalize anything, which isn't technically illegal according to the current version of the bill but worth pointing out so you know exactly the kind of asshole we're dealing with.

Yep, now we're on the same page.

Now, for anyone who doesn't understand the ins and outs of SOPA's enforcement policies, let me describe exactly how this will play out in each delicious detail. First, Universal, Disney, Viacom or any of the other entertainment giants would need to be convinced that he is deliberately infringing on their copyrights. This shouldn't be too difficult, because these companies have a long history of

misunderstanding exactly what constitutes a threat to their business on the Internet, and because I'm also very persuasive. From there, they can issue court orders to any payment processors or advertisers doing business with his blog. Considering my 15 hate-visits a day probably make up the majority of his traffic, I doubt his website is connected to PayPal or AdSense, so this step technically won't do much except humiliate him, hopefully.

Court orders are also simultaneously sent to search engines, barring them from displaying his blog in their rankings. This will effectively cut off anyone from finding his site or stumbling on it by accident. All his Linkin Park covers will be like angsty, lonely ships adrift out in the broad expanse of the World Wide Web. But, you know, more so than they are now.

"Craaawling in my skiiiin, these wounds th-- aaah forget it."

Finally, the death blow. Court orders sent to his domain registrar would threaten suit if they don't block his subscriber access and

take down his website. Within a matter of days, his stupid blog would be erased from the Internet entirely without him ever knowing he had done anything wrong.

I only wish I could be there when he tries to log in to his website for the last time, probably to upload some new video of plagiarized nonsense, and finds everything missing. I'd give anything to see his pale, fat face in the exact moment he realizes that the space he used to occupy online, a space that only belonged to him, has now been replaced by nothing, just a hole. A big empty chick hole in the middle of the Internet, and he will finally understand what it feels like to be defined by absence. I don't think that's asking too much.

Hmmm, too far?

Sadly, all the collective hatred toward SOPA means that it may never see the light of day. Major websites like Reddit are planning site-wide blackouts on January 18 in protest, and Google, Twitter, YouTube and Facebook have already spoken up in opposition. But I only ask that they take a minute to consider my point of view, to see this bill not as a threat but as a weapon. I want everyone to try to imagine just how gratifying it would be to single out the very worst people on the Internet and obliterate their online existence. Think it over. I'll be waiting.

You can follow Soren's petty acts of revenge on Twitter and Tumblr.

Check out more from Soren in Dear Hotmail: What The Hell Happened to You? and The 5 Creepiest Defense Attorney Websites.

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