The Only Argument on the Internet in Favor of SOPA
The Internet is on the verge of collapse. Again. It's all very dramatic. This time it has nothing to do with the threat of tiered services, malicious spyware or the ubiquity of porn, but a bill working its way through Washington. Members of Congress, at their predictably constipated clip, are sweating and straining to pass the Stop Online Piracy Act, the primary intent of which would be to shut down foreign websites guilty of copyright infringement. Except the bill is so broadly worded and clumsily phrased that, if enacted, it would effectively hand over censorship of the entire Internet to American businesses, and the entertainment industry in particular. Incidentally, it was lobbyists for the entertainment industry who wrote this bill in the first place. So, just like Hans Gruber's plan in Die Hard, politics is only the pretense of this whole production -- this is really about money. And I'm fine with that.
Photo source: PiracyI should point out before I go any further that SOPA is destined to fail, at least at its publicly stated purpose. SOPA is poorly designed by people who may or may not have ever seen the Internet in person, and it's written for 50- to 60-year-old congressmen who almost certainly did not receive it by email. The act won't stop piracy anywhere in the world and in fact might actually
"I saw YouTube out in the woods, infringing."Naturally, the Internet community has rallied together in opposition. Everyone has given up on fighting one another long enough to attack this bill the only way they know how: By making
"This negative space right here? That's you. Like a tiny vagina ghost."Thanks to some furious Internet detectiving, I know that he has a blog with its own domain. I won't share the link here, because he doesn't deserve the traffic. All you need to know is that this blog violates several of the rules laid out by SOPA. He has uploaded video from the women's half-pipe competition at the 2010 Olympics, recorded directly from his television, as well as some damning footage of him doing acoustic covers of Linkin Park songs. In addition, throughout all his asinine posts, he refuses to use apostrophes or to capitalize anything, which isn't technically illegal according to the current version of the bill but worth pointing out so you know exactly the kind of asshole we're dealing with.
Yep, now we're on the same page.Now, for anyone who doesn't understand the ins and outs of SOPA's enforcement policies, let me describe exactly how this will play out in each delicious detail. First, Universal, Disney, Viacom or any of the other entertainment giants would need to be convinced that he is deliberately infringing on their copyrights. This shouldn't be too difficult, because these companies have a long history of
"Craaawling in my skiiiin, these wounds th-- aaah forget it."Finally, the death blow. Court orders sent to his domain registrar would threaten suit if they don't block his subscriber access and
Hmmm, too far?Sadly, all the collective hatred toward SOPA means that it
You can follow Soren's petty acts of revenge on Twitter and Tumblr.
Check out more from Soren in Dear Hotmail: What The Hell Happened to You? and The 5 Creepiest Defense Attorney Websites.