The great unsung lesson of the 2016 presidential election is apparently that most Americans will overlook rape and child molestation if the culprit matches our politics. The news right now is currently exploding over the fact that Access Hollywood recorded Donald Trump admitting to grabbing women "by the pussy," which is evidence both of sexual assault and that "The Donald" doesn't understand sex very well.
All this has dovetailed nicely with the fact that a federal judge just ordered a December hearing in the case of whether or not Trump raped a 13-year-old in the 1990s. It's hard to imagine this news cycle breaking better for the Democratic Party if Trump had been caught literally hunting Mexicans for sport.
Trump's self-made disaster has been self-made all the worse by his insistence that Bill Clinton has said even nastier things to him on the golf course. This all looks so bad for Team Trump that pretty much everyone is ignoring the ugly truth: He's probably right about Bill.
Feel free to imagine your own testicle joke here.
See, the child rape allegations against Trump come from an anonymous woman who claims that when she was 13, she and a 12-year-old were forced to engage in "perverted and depraved" sex acts with him while at the New York home of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein.
If the name "Jeffrey Epstein" sounds familiar, it might be from one of those right-wing media stories your conservative relatives have shared on Facebook:
Don't let the fact that these are all garbage sources fool you; it's extremely well-documented that Clinton flew with Mr. Epstein on his private plane 26 times, ditching his Secret Service detail at least five of those times. And yes, that first source is the Washington Times, a right-leaning publication. But the story was broke by Gawker, and they've published the flight logs so you can verify everything for yourself.
Epstein was convicted of soliciting sex from a minor in 2008, and he'd likely have been convicted of a hell of a lot more if he wasn't a billionaire represented by Alan Dershowitz, who helped get O.J. Simpson off in 1995. (As Archer would say, "PHRASING!") Dershowitz is the lawyer rich dudes hire when they need to be declared "not guilty" of a crime they super committed.
"To preemptively answer your question, I sleep on a pile of money as tall as the sky."
Both Donald Trump and former President Clinton have spent a huge amount of time at parties in Epstein's home, and on his private jet, during the time period when Epstein is suspected of running a massive sex trafficking ring to help his rich and famous friends get their rocks off, often with underage victims. Here's how former Assistant Attorney General Alex Acosta explained why Epstein was only convicted for the one crime, rather than the dozens (hundreds?) he's suspected of:
"Our judgment in this case, based on the evidence known at the time, was that it was better to have a billionaire serve time in jail, register as a sex offender and pay his victims restitution than risk a trial with a reduced likelihood of success."
If you're a Democrat, and a fan of our balloon-loving 42nd president, you've probably ignored most of the claims about his sexual improprieties. But if you think the allegations against Mr. Trump have merit, it's pretty hard to argue that Clinton's friendship with Epstein doesn't look as shady as a goddamn peach orchard. And if you still think ol' Slick Willy is morally in the clear, watch this interview with Juanita Broaddrick. It sure as hell doesn't seem like she's lying.
If she is, she deserves a fucking Oscar.
And, as Buzzfeed points out in this profile piece, Juanita's story has been consistent for decades. She hasn't sought fame or book deals, just to be believed. And while she's never filed any charges against Bill, years and years of media coverage haven't poked any holes in her story either. And remember, former President Clinton paid $850,000 to settle a sexual harassment case brought against him by Paula Jones. Plus, y'know, the whole "slept with a 22-year-old intern while President" thing.
Democrats tend to defend Clinton against any and all allegations of sexual impropriety. In fact, left-wing comedians love portraying him as some effortlessly slick charmer rather than, y'know, a predator.
And oddly enough, that's exactly the same thing Trump's defenders on the right say about him. He's not a creepy pervert who grabs women by the crotch without asking and who palled around with a known pedophile at parties where children were fucked -- he's an Alpha Male! A man's man, manning about!
We may be living in a time of unprecedented political polarization, but at least Americans of all stripes can come together and ignore the sex crimes of politicians, as long as said politicians agree with us about taxes and junk. The only upside I can think of is ... at least our next president isn't likely to have a penis.
Robert Evans has a book about how sex, drugs and bad behavior built civilization. You can buy A Brief History of Vice now!
See how this bonkers election is changing the future of politics for good in Why This Election Proves Politics Are About To Get Weird and find out how we our political know-how was shattered this year in 4 Political Myths Destroyed By The 2016 Election.
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Can we rest?