Yes, reader, even you can feed 5 live bears. All we had to do was get in line and check our logic/compassion at the door, because we were almost immediately handed a Styrofoam bowl filled with chocolate mini-donuts and a couple of apple slices (to be fair, the sign didn't say "Feed 5 live bears what bears eat"). We were then shuffled into a scorching hot tank/cage filled with what looked like bear corpses. Near those bear corpses were waterless puddles in which the bears could gingerly place their miserable faces, as if to say "Something's missing grrrrr I'm a bear." Apple slices and chocolate mini-donuts were strewn about on the floor of the bear's natural habitat (cement), and everything was suddenly sad. Referring to the attraction as feeding "live" bears was, I think, the establishment's way of saying "fuck you" to their horribly malnourished bears. And referring to it as the only place to feed live bears was, I think, their way of saying "fuck you" to real men.
Real men feed bears to themselves.
The corpsed bears were alive in the most razor-thin definition of the word. They were breathing, but they were also hungry, tired, and thirsty. They wanted food that was not chocolate, mini, or donut, and certainly not "chocolate mini-donut." If I had sat down beside one of the bears, it absolutely would have tried to eat me, but it would have done so at a comically slow pace. My assessment of the bears went from "dead" to "wishing they were dead," so +1 to all bears, I guess. As the sticky children and their sticky parents threw sticky donuts at (not "to") the bears, I ate my complimentary bowl of chocolate mini-donuts and then tossed my apple pieces to (not "at") the bears. I left the place feeling a little helpless, because I couldn't pick up all the bears and carry them to the nearest bear hospital (AKA - anywhere but their current setting). In lieu of that, I stole a bunch of crap from their gift shop. In fact, for the rest of the week I stole as much crap from gift shops as I possibly could (mostly confederate flag necklaces and a t-shirt about praying really well). I of course don't think I made a difference, but I did feel better.
Not much better.