7

Homeopathic Child Vaccines

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Anthony Pinkus believes people should use his homeopathic remedies instead of getting vaccinated. We know this because he told a BBC reporter that his children use homeopathic remedies instead of getting vaccinated. But it's OK -- he thought the reporter was a mother asking if she should vaccinate her children.

6

Dog T-Shirt

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If pure goodness exists in this world, it exists in dog form. But homeopathy is all about ruining the few parts of nature that don't want to infect or replace us. And enabling the rest.

CafePress
Just after licking her own ass, she's wondering what the hell YOU'RE doing.

5

X-Ray Protection Wallet

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This product, advertised as a way to protect your homeopathic remedies and oils from X-rays, is self-contradictory, because a huge part of homeopathy is ignoring modern science. A true homeopath thinks an X-ray is something cast by lower-class witches.

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"'Ats fer laffin' at me 'at!"

The last time a homeopath got an X-ray, they started drinking diluted toothpaste to cure the skeleton monster. High-energy radiation hasn't hit this much magic since Iron Man attacked Doctor Strange. But that battle obeyed more laws of physics. And had significantly better art than the lead-lined brown paper bags these people are selling:

Organeekinc via Amazon

4

"I Love Homeopathy" Mug

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Can you spot the difference between this and a bog-standard tourist mug?

Zazzle
A mug for a mug, self-referential satire.

It costs $27 for the addition of a tiny amount of chemical that won't affect the liquid contents. It's the most homeopathic mug ever made. But boring, because if you drink anything but water out of an "I love homeopathy" mug, you're a hypocrite. And dead, because U.S. drinking water is allowed to contain one part per hundred million of arsenic, which technically counts as homeopathic suicide.

3

Framed Print of Hahnemann's Grave

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Samuel Hahnemann, the inventor of homeopathy, died in 1843 at the age of 88. But only homeopathy would think "proof that the founder dead" is good medical advertising. Homeopathic practitioners have some religious aspects, with the faith in transubstantiating regular materials and an absolute immunity to scientific discussion. But religion admits that all it can do to help the sick is cross its hands and pray. That's sort of the point. And really does help some people deal with awful situations. And most religions don't claim to be making real medicine, and they sure as hell don't charge $100 for a vial of water.

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They usually just wave their hands and give it away for free.

It's good practice to check on the graves of people famous for developing insane medical procedures, but this photo doesn't even show if the soil has been disturbed. It's OK though. If there's any mad experimenter whose concoctions I'm sure didn't resurrect them from the dead, it's Hahnemann.

Mary Evans via Amazon
Yeah, he looked really healthy.

2

POTENTIZING ORGONE CHI ENERGY GENERATOR

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Behold, the RADIONICS MACHINE HOMEOPATHY HEALING REMEDY VIBRATIONS ORGONE CHI ENERGY GENERATOR. Those capitals are their doing, not mine. I don't think I could add anything, real or imaginary, to the abilities this machine already claims.

via Gumtree
A perfect mixing board for the sound of your body collapsing.

That thing channels more imaginary energies than a proton pack. It costs over $400. You'd be better off spending the money on Ghostbusters cosplay and waving that at your doctor, because at least then they'd think you were an awesome idiot. A "potentizer" turns water into medicine by shaking it. All this time your washing machine has been armoring you in +5 T-Shirts of Healing. The device offers an array of knobs for fine-tuning each sample. They can be set to any value between 0 and 10 and are based on more fiction than IMDb ratings. But then, putting huge numbers of numbers between the sample and anything real is homeopathy's core process. It's a child's activity center, except kids gets knobs that look different, do things, and make the user smarter.

TongRo Images/TongRo Images/G
The homeopathic version is one block and a cube the size of the universe.

1

The ACME Potentizer

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Maybe you're scared by all those numbers. Most homeopaths react to real numbers like a vampire reacts to sunlight: badly, and based on totally imaginary nonsense. Dr. Praveen offers a low-tech solution.

potentisation.com
The world's most violent Fleshlight.

A key element of homeopathy is "succussing," striking the container of water off another surface a precise number of times before throwing most of it away. The way every homeopathy guide gives a different precise number probably isn't important. Hahnemann succussed by thumping vials of water off his medical textbooks. I repeat: He tried to get medicine out of textbooks by blunt impact trauma. Which he repeated. Sixty more times. You couldn't be worse at medicine without selling the secrets of antibiotics to single-celled organisms.

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And they feel better dealing with lifeforms on their mental level.

Homeopathy isn't even sorcery, because eating ground-up dried frog can have real medical effects on you. People say it's their choice as to what treatment they receive, but this choice allows greedy scumbags to sabotage real science for a profit. Because homeopaths don't spend anything on real medical research. They get to spend it all on advertising. They have to undermine real progress to exist, they target the dying and desperate, and with the resurgence of previously eliminated diseases this kind of anti-medical advertising is killing people.

A two-step solution for these scamming solutions:
1. Replace the word "alternative" with "magic" in a sarcastic voice. "Ooh, some magic medicine."
2. We use homeopathy as a real medicine. Specifically, we use it as a tracer dye, to find and highlight the parts of the species that aren't working properly and try to fix them. Or at least prevent them from voting.

Enjoy even more lethal antiscience with The Terrifying Scientific Implications of Mario. Or experience even crueler fictional hazards with The 5 Most Brutally Unfair Deaths in Gaming History.

Inoculate yourself against more mind-melting bullshit with 6 Ways a Creationist Textbook Sabotaged Science and 7 Ridiculous Things People Believe About the God Particle.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.