Here at Cracked Labs, we're working to make the world a better place. The whole "website" thing was an accident resulting from early experiments on what too much Internet does to the human brain, and early court orders dictating that we were responsible for the tragic results.
"Columnist" sounds so much nicer than "Extremely Failed Test Result."
Scientists at CERN recently announced the discovery of a Higgs-like particle, the culmination of decades of genius, but there's an empty spot in our cocktail cabinet, so we figured we'd scoop their Nobel Prize. Because we've already found a practical application for it. Interaction with the Higgs field is what gives particles mass; therefore, there will be more Higgs interactions near denser objects, so we can use Higgs particles as a tricorder for finding thick-skulled idiots. Our new system is already working: Scanning a spectrum from the New York Times through Twitter to the Daily Mail, the Higgs announcement has revealed thousands of idiots all over the world!
In 1989, CERN invented the World Wide Web to transmit important information between smart people, and the world has been using it for the exact opposite ever since. On July 4, 2012, CERN announced what could be the smallest unit of anything that could really matter, and idiots on Twitter immediately obsessed about something even smaller.
When God said, let there be light, these guys complained about the wattage.
A literally reality-defining discovery, and they were whining about the Comic Sans font. You couldn't miss the scientific point more painfully if you assumed Erinaceidae were spheres.
"Shoving this into my underpants approximately shouldn't hurt."
It would be cruel to say that they picked on the font because it was the only part of the presentation they understood, so I'll say that, because that's exactly what happened. The scientists had just used a machine that makes the Saturn V moon rocket look like a sparkler to interrogate reality itself, and these dumbasses were trying to look superior because they prefer letters with curly bits at the ends.
You have to understand the whole page before you're allowed to complain about any of it.
When someone announces a new fundamental particle, they could write their results in eight pints of warm human blood and the species would still be better off for the trade. They might have just completed the Standard Model of understanding existence. If you're trying to trump that with typography, you'd be better off using your special skill against Batman, because at least then you'd entertain a few people while humiliating yourself in public.
DC, Warner Bros
"Looks like they tried to be comic sans intelligence!"
6"What's the Point?"
When smart people announce an understanding of the basis of reality, the other kind of people ask why they'd bother. And it's impossible to answer, because that sort of person thinks "being able to understand things" is elitist.
DAMN THIS IVORY TOWER AND ITS PUSH/PULL SIGNS!
When people ask, "What's the point in understanding everything?" they've just disqualified themselves from using questions and should disappear in a puff of paradox. But they don't understand and just continue existing, which are also their only two strategies for life. These are the apes who sat in the back of the cave, scratching themselves while ooking about how bashing rocks together was a total waste of time. Except back then they had a better excuse for their sloping foreheads and scratching themselves in public.
"Not eat, not grope, THIS USELESS!"
Previous investigations of apparently pointless physical phenomena led to little things like electricity, quantum mechanics, absolutely everything, the entire modern world. Stuff like that. The most important breakthrough in the last thousand years came from shining invisible light on a piece of metal to watch more invisible bits come out. If scientists hadn't followed up on this odd little detail (aka the Ultraviolet Catastrophe, the most badass-sounding revolution in scientific understanding), the absolute limit of modern technology would be brass and steam. And we'd have Cavepunks wearing fake animal skins, posting lithographs of themselves holding giant fake clubs that don't actually work for hitting things.
The paleolithic version of "duck face" was "flamingo face."