The admins donned their epic weapons, sallied forth ... and promptly got their asses kicked. They were killed by their own players in a world they'd built, making this officially a science fiction movie. 20 Turbine staff watching on a break room screen were treated to players jumping up and down on the admins' corpses. Because Asheron's Call doesn't have a crouch button. Worse, Harry had resisted command-level instructions to power down. The staff joked that He had attained sentience. Understand: If a computer program ever escapes and kills us, it won't be because of the military. It'll be because gamers trained it to. The staff tried again. And again. The third time, they got lucky in their own game, and instead of banning people, they paid tribute to their valiant foes. The Thistledown server got a unique monument, the "Shard Vigil Memorial," honoring the players who had kicked the company's ass for so long.
Vaporizing A Thousand Real Dollars In EVE Online
Crowd Control Productions (CCP) infamously lives up to its name with EVE Online, a spacefaring game wherein people pay to plug into a computer to pretend to work for simulated corporations. You could say the company has a dedicated fanbase, but only because clicking on the player agreement means it's legally not slavery.
In an act of diabolical genius, CCP created its own currency without all the problems of being declared a rogue state or arrested by the Icelandic Ministry of the Interior. They set up PLEX (Pilot Licence EXtensions), with which you can convert fake game money into 30 days of extra playing time. With a cash value of $15. So now players can work in the game to be allowed to continue to work in the game. It's the closest humanity has come to the Matrix. They invented their own world and cash currency to use there. There are drug lords with less control over their customers. And if you think this was CCP's full evil plan, they haven't even started stroking their fluffy white cat yet.
The diabolical dick move was to introduce PLEX as in-game items, meaning you could trade it and carry a cargo of real money through a universe of players out to murder you. When you destroy a ship, there's a chance its cargo will turn up in the wreckage loot -- and the word "chance" in this sentence is pretty important. Players "slickdog" and "Viktor Vegas" found a lone cargo hauler carrying 74 PLEX (worth over $1,100), and promptly blew the shit out of it. Including every single one of the dollars. Not one PLEX survived.
Over a grand was electronically vaporized, because that grand had already been paid to CCP, which professionally doesn't give a shit what happens to money after that. They've set up a system whereby they make money when other people destroy it. You can't even Occupy Jita, because you'd have to pay them for the privilege.
The Man Who Won World Of Warcraft
There are two main types of MMO. In player vs. environment (PvE), everyone's in it together, fighting the monsters. Meanwhile, in player vs. player (PvP), you can kill each other, because everyone thinks they're going to be Mad Max instead of the guy who tried to catch the razor-boomerang.
World Of Warcraft player Angwe taught them the error of their ways. He was like dropping libertarians into Somalia -- killing them with the embodiment of everything they claimed to want. He camped a bottlenecked route into Menethil Harbor, the only path to a couple of mid-level Alliance destinations, and murdered every single person who passed, every single time they tried.
There was more online rage against Angwe than against everyone who's ever been compared to Hitler combined. There is no body part he hasn't been accused of sucking, eating, being, or enjoying his mother's. He received death threats, but World Of Warcraft death threats are less worrying than fireballs, which can at least pretend to hurt something. Since Horde and Alliance players can't speak to each other via in-game chat rooms, Angwe created an Alliance account so he could listen to his victims. And in an act of combat dickery worthy of the U.S. Army Psychological Ops division, it was called "Angwespy."
He was the incarnation of PvP. People asked if he ever worked. Some wondered if he even slept. They wrote entire FAQs on how to get past him involving teleportation stones, clone characters, and leaping from a boat and swimming along the shore instead of going through the port. Players regularly went through more hassle to get past Angwe than real people did to get into America. He was less a dick than a force of nature, a landscape-altering dick deforming the entire world, like Zeus or Odin. Beating him was an achievement back before that was a thing.
So mankind aren't just the real monsters; we make the best boss characters, too!
For more gaming dick moves, check out The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Online Gaming (Updated) and A Gamer's Manifesto.
Luke McKinney's favorite tactic is maintaining Level 3 teleporters on Dustbowl while explaining how beer built civilization. He also tumbles and has a website.
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