5

Adopting a Stressona

I learned that any new scientific effect in an academic environment will create a monster, because I watch a lot of stupid movies. Binary stress' monster is the stressona. Yes, that is a bullshit portmanteau of "stress" and "persona." And, yes, that's the best it deserves, because it's a bullshit practice. Because exam stress affects everyone in the area at the same time, you end up with an immense echo chamber constantly confirming the idea that this is truly the end times.

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"Absolutely nothing on Earth is more important than our interpretation of this chapter's subtext."

4

Punting Problems

Several friends of mine work in academia, and they've heard more excuses than an alchemist's patron. Resulting in just as much wasted money and bullshit.

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"The nitric acid dissolved my homework. Also, you need to buy more nitric acid."

3

Focusing on the Solution Instead of the Problem

Solving problems is good. It's not what problems are for, it's what we as a species are for. That's the whole point of our higher intelligence: deciding that something sucks and that it will now stop sucking, instead of scuttling along as a little leech for an entirely suck-based existence in the vague hope that your great-grandchildren might suck less.

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In which case they'll die. Which sucks as a result of not sucking, in evolution's cruelest irony.

But constant quizzes and course assignments exist in a state of "done" or "ohfuckleberry salad." Even without social pressures and basic fatigue, multiple courses are competing for each student's time. All demanding that the student get everything over and done with so that they can concentrate on other things. Which builds a preference for finding the solution instead of truly finding the problem. Online solutions, copying from others, searching through textbooks to transcribe something that looks about right -- the constant pressure drives many students to achieve deliverables instead of learning. And the instant they use a word like "deliverables," they've opted for the myna bird strategy of making the right noises instead of understanding things.

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Unfortunately, modern plumage isn't nearly as brightly colored.

I'm going to give you the greatest advice I ever received in college so you can combat this. And like all the best advice, I didn't listen to it at the time. Just like the person who gave it to me didn't listen to it when he heard it and then implored me to. So I'm going to pass it on to you in the hope the next generation does better.

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"You have learned nothing from our example."

2

Doing the Bare Minimum

You're furthering your education to improve yourself, to become the best that you can. Just like all the thousands of other people doing the exact same courses. And this isn't a zero-cost game. If you're studying in the U.S., many universities are working to metastructure a new kind of super-precious ultradiamond with which to measure your total fees. Even if you're not currently part of America's attempt to turn students into pure debt, you're still spending years in college. Years that other people are spending getting on with work experience and seniority.

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"Remember when you made fun of my socks? You're on weekend morning shifts forever."

You want to get the best benefit from your time. So it's a shame students often feel pressured into doing the bare minimum to make the next arbitrary checkpoint. The most extreme example of this is being told, "We'll study sections 4, 5, 6.1, 6.2, and 6.5," and because of that the pages of 6.3 and 6.4 will never see the light of day. Sure, you probably don't have time to work them out to the same degree as the sections you know you'll be tested on, but are you going to spend hundreds of dollars on textbooks and then not even read them?

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Especially since the only thing more expensive than university textbooks are those ultradiamonds.

1

Stress Makes Diamonds

Some courses claim exclusivity on the grounds of how hard they push their students. It's the poisonous idea that stress makes diamonds. While that's technically true, the platitude ignores how diamonds are created by being kept for years in pitch-black crushing pressure, and when they're brought out they're viciously carved into shape by experts and sold for profit.

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"Magnificent. Almost a whole term's tuition fees."

It also ignores diamond's tetrahedral covalent bonding. Most materials don't do that. Which is why stress makes diamonds but breaks almost everything else. That's why people need university courses before designing buildings and things in the first place. Stress is and has been the worst response to problems since those problems stopped being hungry bears. You stress something and, instead of absorbing impacts, the least touch can cause it to shatter.

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"This was a bad idea!"

Far better to work on those academic ultradiamonds. Or the idea of using intelligence to make something smarter and better than before, instead of using a load of pressure and time to keep crushing material until someone else says it's OK. A student should be working to improve themselves instead of completing a checklist. Because education is the best idea our species ever had. And it's how we'll have even better ones in the future.

Learn even more with 7 Tips for Not Screwing Up College and 9 Lessons From the Greatest College Movie Ever.

Students should know how to avoid the worst social media disasters, and how to mix coffee cocktails for pure productivity power.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

And be sure to check out 6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School and 5 Math Equations That Change the Way You See the World.

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