Gordon Freeman (Half-Life): Fatal Alien Rape
Admittedly, I'm cheating a little because player-controlled characters in video games don't really get hurt, except for when they do, but that's not the case here. Yes, Gordon Freeman, the mute protagonist of Half-Life, is always destined to survive the events of the game unscathed, so even if he "dies," it just means that you screwed up and have to reload the game and try again, without giving a second thought about Freeman's well-being.
But what if he was raped to death by an alien tentacle sheep? That sounds like it would be enough to leave a big Brown Mesa in most players' pants.
What you're seeing up there is an alien called Mr. Friendly that almost made it into the first Half-Life game. You can still find its model in the data for the game, but to learn more about it you have to turn to the book Half-Life 2: Raising the Bar, by David Hodgson, in which we learn that Mr. Friendly was actually meant to be one of the most innovative monsters in gaming history. Valve reportedly planned for the creature to be able to knock off Gordon's glasses and cause the screen to become blurry, adding a whole new layer of immersion to an already pretty spectacular game.
However, this would then be followed by the creature restraining Freeman with its tentacles and jackhammering its penis into him until Freeman died, because, hey, can you think of a surer way to motivate players to get better at the game?
"New idea! If the player dies enough times, their computer explodes!"
As mentioned before, the data for Mr. Friendly does exist out there, meaning that Half-Life's managing director, Gabe "God" Newell, was at one point serious about using this literal rape-monster in the game. If you're wondering why, you have to ask yourself who was Half-Life made for, and let me stop you right there, because I doubt any of you have answered: "12-year-olds with homophobic tendencies." Yet that was how Newell saw Valve's target audience at the time, and therefore wanted to use Mr. Friendly to freak them all out, because the essence of gaming has always been wish fulfillment. Only, back then it was his own twisted wishes that Newell was interested in fulfilling before someone, presumably, slapped him back to his senses.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist and editor. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For more from Cezary, check out 4 Famous People Who Accidentally Created Classic Movies and 4 Complex Concepts You Didn't Know Movies and TV Taught You.
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