And where was Poison during all these hot tub shenanigans?
This was well past their bedtime, I take it.
Oh shit. They're like our biggest ... well ... mediumest client. I could lose my job over this.
Also, they poisoned you for accidentally cuckolding them.
I don't think Poison poisoned me.
Of course they did! They've been in a band called Poison for 30 years! You know how many gag gifts they've gotten? Fake novelty bottles with skull and crossbones on them, full of whiskey. Coffee table books on Amazonian toxins. Roll after roll of Mr. Yuck stickers to put on their cocaine baggies. They are probably all sorts of well-read on the subject of poison. I bet they've got suitcases full of crazy crap.
They do have a lot of suitcases. They said they were for Bret Michaels' bandannas, but how many bandannas could he need?
Michaels, seen here in one of his "dressier" bandannas.
See? In those suitcases lies your salvation. What you need to do is bust into their suite and confront them. Can you get out of bed yet?
I can, yeah. Not moving too quick though. I ... hey!
My room didn't have a set of doors there. This is a suite! This isn't my room at all.
So where are you? Open the doors.
-the sound of the doors opening-
It's Poison's suite.
Are they there?
Yeah, they're all in the sitting area.
What are they doing?
Reading the newspaper. Jesus, there are a lot of bandannas here. Bret Michaels just asked if I enjoyed breakfast.
Do it now! Accuse them of Poisoning you.
They're all just laughing at me.
Vomit on them!
You are in the next room as your grandpa begins seducing your long-dead childhood pet. Grandpa has trouble with volume control, so it is easy to hear through the walls, the pillow, your skull. He begins spreading mayonnaise over himself. Over everything.
Did it work? Did you barf all over Poison?
I did, yes. They don't seem that upset.
Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images Entertainment
This is real bush league as far as Bret Michaels is concerned.
Claim there's worse to come if they don't give you the antidote! Say you are sorry for accidentally bedding every one of their wives and girlfriends, but that nothing justifies taking a man's life!
They seem pretty upset about that.
Well, yeah, it can be upsetting having your moral failings pointed out to you.
No, I mean the cuckolding bit. They look like they didn't know about that.
But they were trying to poison you ... wait.
You were hungover when you woke up, right? Headache?
You take any aspirin? Ibuprofen?
Yeah, a couple. Well. A couple and one. And then one more.
And you didn't notice this wasn't your room.
You stumbled, half-blind, into a bathroom that wasn't your own, and accidentally gobbled a handful of pills, didn't you?
Well, there you go. You "poisoned" yourself on someone else's muscle relaxer or blood pressure medicine or something.
Because nothing says rock and roll like "low-sodium diet."
So what do I do?
Congratulations! You're no longer poisoned! Should you require any further guidance, please consult our guide, "So You're About to Get Your Ass Kicked by a Glam Metal Band Whom You've Cuckolded and Also Vomited On."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has vomited on Quiet Riot and Ratt, but never Poison. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to discuss this matter further.
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