Penises in the News (And the Headlines Don't Involve Paris Hilton)

Two big news stories were reported today involving mankind's favorite appendage: The penis. Woman Sets Fire to Ex-Husband's Penis, blared one headline. And seriously, what could be worse than that? I'll tell you what: British dwarf's penis gets stuck to hoover. To quote that second article:

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.
Frankly, I think "horribly" is redundant and unnecessary in that sentence. Is there any kind of "awry" that an act can go involving a penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner that comes up anything short of "horrible?" Answer: NO. Unfortunately, as our friends at Fark might say, these two headlines do put the Painful Penis News Trifecta in play. I, for one, am putting on a cup.
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