Animal-Specific Tips: Jaguars
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Jaguars are considered Animals of the Land, and they can be subdued using most of the above techniques in their unaltered state. Your trapping and baiting techniques also don't have to be particularly specialized, as jaguars have a wide-ranging diet. Still, before engaging the jaguar, ask if any of the children have guinea pigs or hamsters at home. They will likely carry that stink with them, making them well suited for bait.
Animal-Specific Tips: Condors
Scientists classify condors as Animals of the Sky-Land, which makes them significantly trickier prey to engage, as at the time of writing (2015), children cannot fly. Although a child makes tempting prey for a condor, you may go through several bait-childs before you realize you're unable to inflict any damage on these beasts. Your best bet will be to resort to child-throwing a little earlier than normal, and also asking your bait-child to try to grapple with the condor instead of giving up so easily, come on, Braydon.
Animal-Specific Tips: Whales
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Whales are known as Animals of the No-Land and are the hardest type to engage with a force of children. Luring the whales onto land, or even the sky, will improve your odds of success, but this will prove difficult, as children just aren't attractive food to most whales. That said, sick and confused whales have been known to beach themselves, a fact that you can use to your advantage. Submerging children underwater will cause them to emit high-pitched noises that will travel great distances under the ocean, and if whales are anything like humans (I've read that somewhere), they will find these noises irritating and disagreeable and beach themselves as a result. After that, your job -- ordering an army of children to mercilessly butcher a beached whale -- is simple and certain to get you on the news.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and expert. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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