And instead of having a cat named Stench Machine as a companion, Zoey has a humanoid buck named Hunter S. Thompson, who never leaves his hunting guns behind. Oooh, a buck that hunts; that's gotta be a simile or something. Maybe it symbolizes the Great Depression. We don't know. You're the novel guy. But yes, this change needs to be made, pronto.
Surely what would have been a hallmark of Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits is its use of mild, subtle technological advances with winks at our current world. The first seven chapters have unsophisticated holograms of Santa adorning lawns. Zoey owns a self-driving car, but it's still a Toyota. That's all great, David, but subtlety doesn't sell in America. Missile-launching eagle planes do. Let's put Zoey on one of these babies and give her a catchphrase. We've heard "No soup for you" did really well in testing.
Now, picture this, David. Zoey and Hunter S. Thompson, being chased by Shy Guy-Jason Voorhees, are flying through the cybernetic jungle that is Colorado (you know, let's make it New York, actually; it's more recognizable to the overseas market) and encounter SHRED-209, a modified version of ED-209 from RoboCop. This version, however, improves upon ED's one great flaw: SHRED can handle a flight of stairs, and he handles it in style. With a few well executed bullets and some even better kickflips, SHRED shoots down Zoey's eagle plane. "No soup for you!" Zoey cries out, as she and Hunter S. Thompson plummet to the Earth.
And then a giant metal keyboard braces their fall. You with us so far? It's the Piano Man! Shy Guy unmasks himself to reveal that he is none other than Billy Joel. What a plot twist, right? Billy explains how he's been a good guy this whole time and has summoned Piano Man to protect Zoey! Zoey and Billy share a kiss as "Uptown Girl" plays in the background. Yes, we know this is a book and won't have a soundtrack, but please, David, please make this change. Above all else, we want to meet Billy Joel. (Well, most of us.)
So what do you say, Mr. Wong? Can these shirts (found in the Cracked store) be the official shirts of Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits? Now that we think about it, perhaps we can market even more shirts retroactively for your previous novels, John Dies At The End and This Book Is Full Of Spiders. Eh, we'll let you sit on that one.
Cracked Marketing Team
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