Cracked Store Post: Futuristic Violence And Fancy Shirts
Dear David Wong,
Hey buddy! It's the Cracked marketing team here. You remember us, right? Well, we've been thinking. You know your novel Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits? The one that follows Zoey Ashe as she flees a cybernetically enhanced stalker in futuristic rural Colorado? The one set to be released Oct. 6? Well, what if, with a few minor rewrites, we incorporated our very own futuristic and violent T-shirts from the Cracked dispensary into your novel? A little fun product integration, if you will.
Wait, wait! Hear us out. I know you refused our merchandising advances before on account of "artistic integrity" and "these shirts have nothing to do with the novel" and "please stop following me home after work," but I don't think we impressed upon you how good an idea this is. Take George Lucas! He added all sorts of stuff into Star Wars just to sell toys. And everyone loves him now, right?
Don't move, David! You owe us one. Besides, it won't be so bad. They're still futuristic and violent. Just imagine for a second if ...
... instead of Zoey being stalked by a maniac with a cybernetically enhanced jaw that wants to bite her bones to bits, she were fleeing from a Shy Guy-Jason Voorhees hybrid. Still scary, but it has an appeal to children ages 5 and up. And look at that adorable hockey mask. We can sell it as a companion piece to the book.
And instead of having a cat named Stench Machine as a companion, Zoey has a humanoid buck named Hunter S. Thompson, who never leaves his hunting guns behind. Oooh, a buck that hunts; that's gotta be a simile or something. Maybe it symbolizes the Great Depression. We don't know. You're the novel guy. But yes, this change needs to be made, pronto.
Surely what would have been a hallmark of Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits is its use of mild, subtle technological advances with winks at our current world. The first seven chapters have unsophisticated holograms of Santa adorning lawns. Zoey owns a self-driving car, but it's still a Toyota. That's all great, David, but subtlety doesn't sell in America. Missile-launching eagle planes do. Let's put Zoey on one of these babies and give her a catchphrase. We've heard "No soup for you" did really well in testing.
Now, picture this, David. Zoey and Hunter S. Thompson, being chased by Shy Guy-Jason Voorhees, are flying through the cybernetic jungle that is Colorado (you know, let's make it New York, actually; it's more recognizable to the overseas market) and encounter SHRED-209, a modified version of ED-209 from RoboCop. This version, however, improves upon ED's one great flaw: SHRED can handle a flight of stairs, and he handles it in style. With a few well executed bullets and some even better kickflips, SHRED shoots down Zoey's eagle plane. "No soup for you!" Zoey cries out, as she and Hunter S. Thompson plummet to the Earth.
And then a giant metal keyboard braces their fall. You with us so far? It's the Piano Man! Shy Guy unmasks himself to reveal that he is none other than Billy Joel. What a plot twist, right? Billy explains how he's been a good guy this whole time and has summoned Piano Man to protect Zoey! Zoey and Billy share a kiss as "Uptown Girl" plays in the background. Yes, we know this is a book and won't have a soundtrack, but please, David, please make this change. Above all else, we want to meet Billy Joel. (Well, most of us.)
So what do you say, Mr. Wong? Can these shirts (found in the Cracked store) be the official shirts of Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits? Now that we think about it, perhaps we can market even more shirts retroactively for your previous novels, John Dies At The End and This Book Is Full Of Spiders. Eh, we'll let you sit on that one.
Cracked Marketing Team