To the parents of the children who are "no longer with us," and especially to the parents of the children who are just straight up dead now, I understand why you're upset, and I imagine that no amount of apologies or "Get over it"s from me will fill the void left by your son, daughter or both, so I'm not even going to try. That would be disrespectful to the memory of your children, not to mention a tremendous misuse of my time, which could be better spent on meditation, self-reflection and breaking out of prison. All I can say is that by watching your children in their last moments on earth, I've gained great insight into their hearts and souls -- the kind of insight that can only be developed when one watches the light extinguish from someone else's eyes -- and you'll all be happy to know that, at the end of the day, your children just didn't want it bad enough. Otherwise they would've won. Obviously.
You should know that he was never brave, not for a second.
To the surprised weekend janitor who discovered me, the children and the complicated and -- if we could all just step back and get real for a second -- objectively impressive maze/deathtrap that I built, I'm very sorry that we ruined your day, and I'm moderately sorry for threatening to send you and "your whole stupid family back to China in body bags." It was wrong of me to assume that you were from China, when all evidence clearly suggested that you were from right here in America. (I would like to say that it was wrong of me to assume your whole family is stupid, but I've so far seen no compelling evidence to the contrary; that's on you to prove me wrong.)
To the police officers who Tased me into unconsciousness before letting me finish my thought: I was going to say "Suck it." We all would've felt unsatisfied if I didn't get a chance to let that out.
To the townsfolk who lost not a single child in my Hunger Games, I am frankly shocked at your outrage. You didn't even have a dog in this race (not including, of course, the people whose dogs I stole, injected with rabies and repurposed as live "wild card" obstacles to be released in the heat of battle), so it's unclear why you joined the justifiably angry parents of missing children who called for my unprecedented National Ban. Maybe you were jealous that your children weren't chosen. Perhaps you're reading their lack of inclusion as an insult, and let me be the first to say that, yes, it very much is. Still, you shouldn't be angry with me just because your children never yearned for victory, or were too fast for me to catch. Who's the real monster here? Maybe take a look in the mirror the next time you think about signing a petition demanding the permanent deportation of a naturally born American citizen. Maybe do that.
Did I endanger your kids? Or did your pervasive shittiness force me to endanger them? Think about it.