Leroy Brown wasn’t like your average fifth grader. As a result of a childhood spent reading and absorbing knowledge, he had a substantial amount of information at his disposal and a knack for cracking mysteries. That’s why only his parents and teachers called him “Leroy” and everyone else called him “Encyclopedia.” At the dinner table every night, he’d help his father, the chief of police, solve tough cases, usually getting all of the information he needed after asking a single question. During the day, he set up his own detective agency and helped out the neighborhood kids with their mysteries.
Daniel O’Brien wasn’t like your average fifth grader either, but mostly because he was 23-years old.
The Encyclopedia Brown Detective Agency operated out of Brown’s garage. There was a table set up as Encyclopedia’s desk and two milk crates–one for Encyclopedia and one for his assistant, Sally Kimball–to use as chairs. Daniel often slept in the corner sometimes and Encyclopedia suspected he had nowhere else to go. Daniel woke up with a groan and a slurred “fuck me,” in accordance with his standard morning ritual.
“Morning, assholes. Thanks for waking me up, Lady Parts. You too, Sally.”
“That’s not his name,” Sally said.
“What? It’s better than ‘Encyclopedia.’ Jesus.”
“His real name is Leroy,” Sally offered. “We just call him that because he’s so knowledgeable, like an Encyclopedia.”
“Well, excuse me, we can’t all be named after books that appropriately tie into our personalities. I guess I’m just stuck with my own name. Till someone makes a novelization of me plowing the shit out of Brown’s Mom, that is.” Brown stared at the floor, his usually focused eyes drifting now.
“His mom’s dead,” Sally said quietly.
“Yeah. Dead fucked. Ah ha, no, but I’m really sorry for your loss.”
The tragically awkward silence was interrupted when Marty Darticle, a neighborhood boy, knocked on the garage door.
“Is this the Encyclopedia Brown Detective Agency,” Marty asked, “because I’ve got a Halloween mystery.”
“Oh, wow, man, I am completely tired of your shit, already, like no joke. Like, literally the instant I’m meeting you right now, I hate you forever. You are the worst. ” Daniel’s standard greeting.
“A Halloween mystery, eh,” Encyclopedia said, rubbing his chin. “This certainly is SPOOKTACULAR,” Brown remarked. Daniel spit on the floor in disgust. Brown shook his head and looked back to the would-be client. “We’ll take the case!”
Marty quickly deposited his quarter in the tin can that sat on Encyclopedia’s desk and Daniel, just as quickly, hopped up and snatched it out. He then took the tin can and loaded it up with homemade toilet wine, like they make in prison.
“Why don’t you tell us a little bit about this mystery,” Sally offered.
“Well,” Marty began, “I work at my Dad’s farm. We grow a lot but, mostly, we make our money from pumpkins. Halloween’s great for us, it’s our busiest time of the year. Normally we’re the only pumpkin-sellers in town, but this year, Bugs Meany, the neighborhood bully, started competing with us. We hold no claim to pumpkins, anyone’s allowed to grow and sell them, obviously, but we like going the extra mile. We sell pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin wine, you name it. The thing about pumpkins-”
“Holy shit, there’s no way you have more to say about pumpkins. No fucking way.”
“It’s fine,” Encyclopedia said. “Go on.”
“Anyway, our finances really depend on selling a whole lot of pumpkins and for a while we were doing well, like we do every year. Bugs Meany and his Tiger Gang couldn’t really compete with our service and experience. But, recently, someone stole all of our pumpkins, and I just don’t-”
“It was Bugs Meany,” Daniel said.
“-understand who would do that. Or why, for that matter. The season is almost over, no one will even be thinking of buying pumpkins this time next week. Who would do that?”
“Bugs, it was Bugs, it’s always Bugs. Can anyone hear me?”
“What do you think, Encyclopedia?” Sally asked.
“It certainly is a curious mystery. You say all of the pumpkins were stolen? It would need to be someone with access to a truck, a large truck, large enough to fit all of those pumpkins. Who could it have been?”
“Fucking, Bugs.”
“There’s more,” Marty said.
“Oh, hold up, are you saying someone did something with these pumpkins,” Daniel asked. Marty nodded. “Word? OK, now this is interesting. If someone, for example, is stealing and fucking holes in these pumpkins, there’s a mystery. Probably wasn’t Bugs if these pumpkins gotta buncha holes porked in him. It was probably… let’s be honest, here, me.”
“What? Oh, no, it was nothing like that. Some pumpkins were stolen, and the rest were bashed in.” Daniel’s shoulders sank, his interest gone. “You don’t understand, they were destroyed. Like, by a monster!”
“Or a werewolf,” Sally chimed in.
“Or fucking Bugs with a hammer, what is wrong with this town?”
“So,” Encyclopedia said, “it would need to be someone with a truck and access to blunt objects.”
Encyclopedia Brown took out his notebook and wrote “investigate ice cream man.” Daniel took out his and scribbled “make a novelization of that time I plowed the shit out of Brown’s mom; make nickname out of book title.”
“I bet we can get to the bottom of this,” Sally said.
“Totes. And, I bet that whoever’s responsible for stealing these raped pumpkins, is the same guy who spray-painted all those sexy drawings of my junk all over the children’s hospital. I, of course, have a number of reliable alibis that would explain-”
“I hadn’t actually heard about that,” Encyclopedia interrupted.
“Oh no? Oh. Then forget I said anything, it’s probably not even a mystery at all.”
“We should really focus on the mystery at hand,” Sally said. “What do you suppose happened, Encyclopedia? I bet you can crack it in one guess, on account of how smart you are.”
Brown smiled.
“Why, if I didn’t know any better, Sally, I’d guess you got into your Mother’s Halloween candy early. How else could I explain how sweet you are?” Sally suppressed a grin, her freckles disappearing behind her blushing cheeks. Daniel glared and cleared his throat a few times.
“Whoa, well, uh, Sally,” he said, “your Dad musta been a boner salesman, because when… Because one look- Because I’m looking at you and I have a boner.” Sally cried a little bit.
Encyclopedia had closed his eyes. He always closed his eyes when he did his deepest thinking on a case. DOB reached into Brown’s back pocket and deftly swiped his wallet. He always steals things when people close their eyes.
“I’ve got it,” Encyclopedia said after a moment. “I’ve solved the case!”
Turn to page 72 to find out who stole the pumpkins!
(It was Bugs.)
Encyclopedia Brown, Mr. Brown and Daniel were all gathered around the Brown’s table for dinner. Mr. Brown was weary from a particularly trouble day at work. As Idaville’s chief of police, he sees a lot of days like this. He rubbed his eyes with his palms for a few moments, muttering to himself.
“What’s wrong, Dad,” Encyclopedia asked. Daniel jumped in immediately.
“Kid, I don’t mean to speak on your Dad’s behalf or anything but shut the hell up for a few minutes, he’s clearly had a rough day.”
“I think I know my own Dad, Daniel.”
“No, no, he’s right, shut your mouth. I just got off a 21-hour shift, I have to go back in about five hours, I still have the blood of the Idaville Butcher’s latest victim on my clothes and I really don’t need your shit right now.”
“A new victim! Interesting! Perhaps I can take a look at this mystery, Father! It sounds positively spooktacular!” Mr. Brown sighed and put his head in his hands. He was not used to seeing so many exclamation marks, and also he hated his son.
“Jesus Christ, this kid.”
“Right? So it’s not just me then, OK, good. Yeah, this kid’s a real tool,” Daniel said, filling his pockets with scraps from the table.
“Such a tool,” Mr. Brown agreed. Leroy shrunk in his seat.
“I thought you liked it when I helped with mysteries, Dad.” Mr. Brown turned to Daniel and threw his hands in the air in a what-am-I-going-to-do-with-this-kid sort of way.
“Leroy,” he said, “I’m the fucking chief of fucking police and you’re like, eight, which, by the way, is a billion in retarded years-”
“They’re like dog years,” Daniel clarified quickly.
“-what could you possibly add to my actual investigations?”
“Like dog years, but for idiots, and the number’s higher because you’re getting exponentially dumber each year.”
“Day after day I deal with total bedlam at work because this is the worst town in America, and then I come home to you, smirking like the fucking tiniest fucking know-it-all, acting like everything’s so simple and you can solve the whole world’s problems. That you can do my job better than me.”
“You’re retarded, is his point.”
“What do you think, Leroy, you think I’m gonna come home one day all ‘Oh, Leroy, gosh this case is tough, I sure could use someone who’s an expert in disappointing me and shitting himself-’
“That was only the one time,” Leroy offered meekly.
“I deal with hookers and murderers, Leroy, for Christ’s sake, and you don’t know anything about anything. Why are you even here all the time? Shouldn’t you be out chasing girls?”
“…I’m 11.”
“Yeah. That’s the reason,” Mr. Brown said, taking a long swig straight from his bottle of whiskey. He mumbled something that was either “worthless” or “abortion” and, in either case, it made Encyclopedia Brown feel about two-feet tall.
“Man, when I was !!,” Daniel chimed in, “I was swimming in preadolescents. Still am, in fact.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Mr. Brown said, punctuating the exchange with a fist bump.
“I’m sorry, Dad. I thought I was helping…”
“Well, you weren’t. When I get a case that requires somebody who’s proficient at driving his father to alcoholism, I’ll give you a call. I won’t, though.” There was a long pause, during which Encyclopedia sobbed softly and Daniel took pictures. Finally, Encyclopedia spoke, his eyes lighting up.
“Dad, I’ve got it! I know who the Idaville Butcher is!”
Turn to page 73 to find out if Encyclopedia was right!
(He wasn’t. His supper was thrown out as punishment.)
Have a Spooktacular Halloween!
This entry was posted on Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I love you DOB. Your style is all sorts of boner-inducing fantastic!!
November 15th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
That was funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I thought that DOB was going to be the Idaville Butcher.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
That was fucking awesome.
I love you Dan. like literally. I want you sexually right now here on the internet
November 13th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Sorry for the double post. I also wanted to say that was freaking hilarious.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:19 am
DOB is a hallucinogenic drug. I CONTRIBUTED.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
hillarious. best article in months
November 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Agreed with SwzzY… ZELDA! ZELDA!!
November 10th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
DOB, you genius fuck! Before I die, I need to see you put yourself in the world of The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time…..maybe as Link, with that annoying cunt fairy following you around, you can say seemingly amount of shit…ZOMG.
Maybe you can be the fairy (A MANLY FAIRY) just insulting Link for no reason…..hahahaha, DOB, DO IT!!!!!
PLEASE!
November 10th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
This article is fucking hilarious. DOB is fucking hilarious.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:52 am
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:38 am
BEAUTIFUL. Just amazing. Lots of really good jokes in this one, especially the first story. The “Sally cried a little bit” line was gold.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
THANK YOU!!! it was always bugs, or one of the tigers, or a drifter.
November 7th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Ah DOB, you have managed to complete my hatred for Encyclopedia Brown.
God, I hated that douche bag. I always figured out the case on pretty much the first page.
Little twat.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Well frankly dob, I think you should have done better with this. Next time you pull an Al Pacino, and phone shit in. To quote another cracked writer , Ben Joseph” your Midwestern-accented white piece of cornbread ass” kicked 8 ways to next Sunday in other words, I expect better.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
if hemingway were alive he would smack your dick. that, however, was a bold compliment in those days. so dont sass him. butthole.
oh and your story.. marvelous. i thought you ruined my childhood with the peanuts tribute. turns out, youre just starting!
please become a character in the berenstein bears. please. nothing will force the eventual blockage of all childhood memories like that complete demoralizing of a christian family of bears.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I think it’s safe to say that DOB finds it hard to write bad literature. He must be typing with a golden keyboard.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:39 pm
This was hysterical, I’ve read it like eight times already and I still laugh just as hard as the first time. Brown’s dad’s freak out is priceless.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:39 pm
god i love DOB
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 am
now i havent read every article DOB has written, but ive read a lot of them, and this is maybe his best one ive read. damn funny.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Fuck, DOB is AWESOME. Cracked’s MVP hands down.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Freaking awesome DOB. Bravo!
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
So I used to read the books, and I am such a dumbass that I always turned to the wrong page and read the wrong solution. And the one time I thought that maybe I actually figured out the mystery (I think it was Bugs), the solution page was ripped out of the book. So long story short, I have a long-standing grudge against that little prick Encyclopedia and even though I have some technical and stylistic problems with this piece, DOB is so damn hot I don’t care. This feels like the vindication I’ve been waiting for since I was !! years old.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:32 am
“Is your dad a boner salesman?” LOL
Dude, DOB, you are the shit.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
[...] !reading http://www.cracked.com/blog/?p=13349 [...]
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:38 am
GEEZUS THE TROLLS TOOOK OVER THE SITE! ZOMG….wait holy shit a screamer!
November 1st, 2009 at 10:39 pm
god dammit DOB. why are you so awesome.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:54 pm
this is so freaking funny… i was half-thinking they’d find me dead in the morning in front of my computer from laughing too hard!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
DOB is Russian for “THE FUCKING MAN”.
Now, when you get an endorsement from the Russians, AND it’s all in caps, you know you’re something special.
November 1st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Oh my god.
I.
love.
you.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:23 am
Why isn’t bartender a tv show?
October 31st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
“If someone, for example, is stealing and fucking holes in these pumpkins, there’s a mystery.”
That out took me out of my chair.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
“I need to see you put yourself in the world of The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time…”
I would definitely read that, and if it was from DOB, I can reasonably assume I would enjoy it.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:37 pm
“If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn’t of interest to you, you should also know that I’m extremely well read. I’ve been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I’ve gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I’m like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God.”
It all comes full circle. As always, loved your post DOB.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Fucking Funny
October 31st, 2009 at 7:50 pm
So I’m scrolling down and there’s no page 73.
Is the internet broken?
October 31st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
DOB wins again!
October 31st, 2009 at 6:35 pm
DOB, you genius fuck! Before I die, I need to see you put yourself in the world of The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time…..maybe as Link, with that annoying cunt fairy following you around, you can say seemingly amount of shit…ZOMG.
Maybe you can be the fairy (A MANLY FAIRY) just insulting Link for no reason…..hahahaha, DOB, DO IT!!!!!
October 31st, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I about died when I read this.
I am in love.
I will bear your children.
October 31st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Daniel O Brian: Destroying your childhood one article at a time
October 31st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
a billion in retarded years, funny as fuck
October 31st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I remember those books as a kid! This was an awesome reminder, Dan! Happy fucking Halloween to me!
October 31st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
That was funny as hell.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
One word. EPIC.
Love it DOB, keep them coming ~
October 31st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I approve of this message.
Er, article. Book.
Okay, whatever the fuck it is, it’s good.
October 31st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Dongtastic, DOB! Looks like you just might be peeking out from under that quilt-o-dicks you’ve been hiding under the last few weeks.
October 31st, 2009 at 11:29 am
Your award winning homages to famous books of our youth are only outdone by the subtle (no lube) nuances of pedophilia, alcohol/substance abuse, and doggie chew toys (featuring side of bacon). Let’s see, you’ve knocked out Hardy Boys, CYOA series, this…
Hmm, consider, IDK, Dr. Seuss’ “Thinnly Veiled Life Lessons on Morality & Sodomy”, Shell Silverstein’s “Famous Works of Poetry Inspired by Copious Beard Growth and Weed”, or “Dick and Jane Throw a Key Party.” Can’t miss.
October 31st, 2009 at 11:17 am
Funny article, but no Bartender. I read Bartender at least once a fortnight best thing on the internet, period.
More adventures of Hank, Mike and Joe, and maybe a zombie Emporer and Zombie Garter Snake. Zombie Diamondback. Zombie Sidewinder. Zombie Blackhead Snake whatever the bitches name is. JUST MORE
October 31st, 2009 at 10:47 am
Right, I’ve left about 5 comments since I’ve been on this site and felt compelled to leave one this time.
That was amazing.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:22 am
That’s Redneck Georgia, not to be confused with Soviet Georgia, Komrade.
And I second the notion that Daniel’s artwork is deteriorating. I expect it goes hand in hand with cirrhosis.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:01 am
You make me laugh so hard. Thank you.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:57 am
Just heard a great place : TALLCONNECT.COM , we can find any types friends you want to meet, please have a try…
October 31st, 2009 at 8:13 am
Man, I used to read these books when I was a kid all the time, and it always really bugged me that Encyclopedia was able to solve cases an entire police force couldn’t. All I could think was “either he’s the smartest kid ever, or these cops are retards”. I now prefer the alternate “abusive drunken father” explanation. Hilarious read.
October 31st, 2009 at 8:01 am
I’m hoping you use two exclamation marks for the number eleven on purpose because that is full of awesome.
“Man, when I was !!,” Daniel chimed in, “I was swimming in preadolescents. Still am, in fact.”
October 31st, 2009 at 7:27 am
Cute.. needless to say, the good looking is always the focus, so she is famous on some big&tall dating site ___Tallconnect.com___ where you can hook up with many hot sexy girls and bbws.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:32 am
DOB, you are fucked up in the head.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:28 am
awesome even though seemingly done in a bit of a hurry.
October 31st, 2009 at 5:55 am
classic
October 31st, 2009 at 5:53 am
lol Wow. Poor Encyclopedia Brown…
October 31st, 2009 at 3:26 am
Yeah the way you wrote yourself into this story, it’s like you never even READ Encyclopedia Brown. You weren’t in it.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:24 am
oh my, that was pure gold.
Thank you as always, DOB
October 31st, 2009 at 1:16 am
And by “it” I mean turning him into a badass.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:15 am
So, let me get this straight. Encyclopedia Brown’s real name is Leroy? And the Leroy Brown that was the baddest man in the whole damn town started out as a fucking child prodigy? Well, I think we know who to blame for it, child ruiner.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:05 am
Oh man, this brought back so many memories for me! Wonderful job of skewering a funny bit of my childhood. I loved that series as a kid, but the satire here was spot on. Keep up the good work DOB!
October 31st, 2009 at 1:04 am
@dodoria
shut your whore mouth.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Describing Encyclopedia Brown as “smirking,” or saying “it’s always Bugs,” it’s like you’re describing a different book series. I’m hoping you don’t endorse sex with eleven-year-olds, or hate Encyclopedia Brown just for being talented and trying to become a useful part of society, but that wasn’t the impression I got.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
For those of you who don’t know, DOB actually DID write a book. It’s called “Bartender” and it is awesome.
http://obrienfiction.blogspot.com/
It is at that website. Read the SHIT out of it.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Andrewski, kingmonkey and J-pappi are in Casnadia and Georgia respectively.
I read the articles still but I don’t read the comments or post as much anymore because I’m tired of reading about 14 year old girls and probably 14 year old boys that want to fuck and have the writers babies.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I was very sad that this ended.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Now I know where you looked familiar! XD Look like Hyde from “That’s So 70’s Show” without the fro. XDDD
October 30th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Okay, I gotta admit. This was hysterical. I needed a good laugh. I enjoyed the art-work, too. Made you look real cute, actually, Dan. ^_^
October 30th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
I would also like to know where the fuck are kingmonkey and j-pappi?
October 30th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Also, I would like to say that my local Safeway has “Pumkins for sale”
October 30th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Fuck’s sake Glendoor42, you know it was Bugs Meany…unless Daniel had his dick in the pumpkins…
October 30th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
I imagine Encyclopedia Brown is probably an alcoholic by now. I mean, yeah, it was cool at first figuring out how the bad guys skipped school, and where your best friend’s dog went, but that shit had to get old fast. People you don’t even know start showing up and want you to solve their problems. Not so fun now, huh, book boy?
I picture him sitting alone in a hotel near Phoenix throwing beer bottles at the wall. Whenever the maid tries to open the door, he’s all like, “I got it! You’re a fuckin’ loser who works at this crap hole in the middle of the desert! You pop pain pills every night so you won’t have to deal with reality! Your husband’s sleeping with another woman! I solved the fuckin’ case. I’m Encyclo-Fuckin-Pedia Brown, bitches. By the way, the only clue I needed was your outfit and the fact that your face looks like basketball leather.”
The maid, faced with such cognitive powers of blinding truth, instantly kills herself by jumping over the balcony. Encyclopedia (Mr. Brown if you’re nasty) then shoots some morphine and passes out.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
This was funny and all Dan , BUT WHO THE FUCK WAS THE IDAVILLE
BUTCHER AND WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED UP THE FUCKING PUMPKINS.
also your artwork is getting worse and worse.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto.
This is __Sugarloves-COM___
October 30th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Mr. O’Brien, you ruin my childhood. And I love it.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
you know, so he’ll stop writing articles that suck dick
October 30th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
That was damn funny.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
you need to seriously forcibly take over Seanbaby’s brain
October 30th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I love your children’s books DOB.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
This is good, I think we can all agree your writing is spectacular, bartender proved that. The real issue at hand is far more serious. I know what you look like Dan, from the videos, but all illustrations of you paint you as a Blues Brother.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Marry me, DOB. Only my future husband would take the time to write a story combining you and Encyclopedia Brown’s useless childhood.
Except not really that’s pedophilia.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
This made me laugh so hard. Thank you for the hilarity.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Decent work, finally, from this guy, but chapter 2 was lame
October 30th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I laughed heartily through-out.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
lol thats awesome =D
October 30th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Fantastic work DOB. Put your baby in me. And by “baby” I mean “boner”.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
This was so awesome. But what was the other thing about pumpkins?
October 30th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
haha, another good work DOB.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
oh my god your hilarious and your god
October 30th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
ehh
October 30th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
My god why are there not volumes of your works published. I would by the full novelization of every story DOB has written thus far.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Fucking great. An instant classic. You should really expand this out to a real book. I’d buy it. Then learn to read, and maybe read it.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Amazing. I would have your babies Dan.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
themosapian i shot first, then you have your turn
October 30th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Meh. Better than the DOB in Charlie Brown but still not that good. Mind you, it is an improvement in Iconoclast humor.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
“Man, when I was !!,”
that confused the hell out of me for a few minutes until i glanced at what lies beneath the ! on my keyboard…
aside from that this was a dongtasticly-spooktacular story.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Far too wonderful. I want to fuck you, Daniel O’Brien.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
“Or fucking Bugs with a hammer. What’s wrong with this town”?
That made my day.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Next do either “My brief time as a warrior cat” or “My brief time as a character in Twilight”.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Danial, these things like “DOB in the hardy boys” or “DOB in encyclopidia brown” really need to be videos. Like, really. Its just a screenplay, what you wrote there. Now, I do understand you need friends to make a video but Swaim can tolerate you and I’m sure you could bribe your dad with something or other to play encyclopeida brown’s dad. Seriously though, I think these are hilarious as articles, but could gain a whole new depth as videos.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
‘Oh, Leroy, gosh this case is tough, I sure could use someone who’s an expert in disappointing me and shitting himself-’
“That was only the one time,” Leroy offered meekly.’
Freakin’ brilliant!
I can’t begin to understand why people would be dissapointed in any of your articles. Every one of them is pure gold. Measured in Comedy, their level is about 9724 dick Jokes (calculations may be based on utter bullshit)
October 30th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
DOB you make me so ridiculously happy…
“his mom’s dead!”
“fucked dead!!!”
October 30th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Dongtacular as always, irish fuck.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Hooray for another article about the tears of a small child!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
If a fucked up version of Encyclopedia brown is your bag, you should check out “Brown Harvest” by Jay S. Russel, about an all-growns-up version of Mr. Brown - seriously shat upon by life and no longer the smug shit of his youth - and his return to town when he learns somebody offed his old friend Sally.
It’s awesome, funny, sad and effed up. Loved it.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I love these ones where you put yourself in pop culture.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
D.O’B’s done it again.
“Your Dad musta been a boner salesman, because when… Because one look- Because I’m looking at you and I have a boner.”
October 30th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
You’re the man DOB! After that chimp one I thought you were losing your touch. Great to see I was wrong!
October 30th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Incredible article.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“There was a long pause, during which Encyclopedia sobbed softly and Daniel took pictures.”
I bow to the king.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I have Asperger’s and I find this hilarious. “Possibly Asperger’s”…geez, even I can’t stand the little turd.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I laughed so hard at this.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
This was great. You should rewrite childhood books in this manner.
Good show!
October 30th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Dicktionary DOB should have been your nickname. Also, chapter one, funny shit. Chapter 2, fucking HILARIOUS.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Holy shit!!!! I almost shit myself laughing at this……
October 30th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
“homemade toilet wine, like they make in prison” hahaha
October 30th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
This was amazing! Seriously everything that comes outta Cracked is great…
I love …’s.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Oh DOB, what would I do without you? You just ripped that from my mind. (Ow.)
October 30th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Pure awesome
October 30th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Yeah, that was very funny actually. I commented before without reading it. Plus now I think I’ve found my Halloween costume … Boner Salesmen.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
That was so funny I almost pooped myself.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Shouldn’t the caption for the first picture be:
“Where’s your paint thinner? This kid says one more FUCKIN’ word about pumpkins, I’m makin’ him drink it.”
October 30th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I just fucking loved this piece. I always wanted to punch Encyclopedia in the face as a child.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Leroy Brown? Leroy Brown was the baddest man in the whole damn town. Badder than old King Kong, and meaner than a junk yard dog.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:55 am
haha, thanks for making my childhood hilarious
October 30th, 2009 at 11:38 am
It’s getting that I can tell who wrote which articles just by reading the titles. Well … the bad ones anyway. I can smell a Dan Obrien, or that Dr. Mister Cody dipshit a mile away. I’m not sure why I still read them. Maybe hoping I’ll be wrong, and I’ll find a good one. It worked with Seanbaby once!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Ha, when O’Brien said he was eleven he spelled it with exclamation marks…am I the only one who got that?
October 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Great stuff, DOB. Only thing is, need a better editor.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:20 am
hahahaa the boner salesman thing made me lol
October 30th, 2009 at 11:15 am
i fucking loved this article.
“your Dad musta been a boner salesman, because when… Because one look- Because I’m looking at you and I have a boner.’ Sally cried a little bit.” i laughed so hard.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:13 am
This was so ACE. Awesome work, I LOL’d the whole time!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:12 am
“Whoa, well, uh, Sally,” he said, “your Dad musta been a boner salesman, because when… Because one look- Because I’m looking at you and I have a boner.” Sally cried a little bit.
HA! That is way more hysterical than it should be. DOB, you are amazing.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Damn, Man…
Between Encyclopedia Brown, The Hardy Boys, and the occasionally CYOA from Brockway, you guys almost make me glad I read as a kid, instead of swimming in preadolescence. Almost.
Great Article.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I never got the mysteries right. If Encyclopedia Brown is an idiot what does that say about me?
Great article, DOB
October 30th, 2009 at 10:55 am
SCREW YOU DOB YOU FAGTARDED WHORE. Or not. Whatever. I thought it was funny, but you made a shitload of spelling misstackes and also the drawings where lame photoshop jobs that I could have done better when I was 4 and the personal computer HADEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED! Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this rant. Good article, I guess. What’s it about again? Boners or something? MEHFAG
October 30th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Awesome, but the FIRST chapters in Encyclopedia Brown books were at the dinner table, while the second chapter took place in the garage, aka the “Brown Detective Agency”. I can picture it now, Mr. Brown taking out his little notebook while his demure wife dutifully served the soup course, followed by the pot roast, all the while muttering under her breath something about “pin dicked impotent half wit” who didn’t realize that the reflection inside bowls are upside down or that dogs don’t lay eggs or something that a child would know.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Daniel’s standard greeting made me lose it.
October 30th, 2009 at 10:11 am
[...] My Brief Time as Encyclopedia Brown’s Partner (Cracked) [...]
October 30th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I wish DOB would publish a book of short stories.
I don’t have anything funny to say, I just would really like to see that happen.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:48 am
fucking boner salesman. I laughed out loud at that point. I also love that pic of D.O.B. on the cover lighting up that cigarette. So bad ass.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:45 am
It’s quite clear to me that Bugs Meany is the Idaville Butcher. Do you know why? Because in the Southern Hemisphere, toilets flush clockwise!
October 30th, 2009 at 9:37 am
DOB, we should hang out, bro. Give me a call sometime.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:21 am
This was totally fantastic. I didnt read the books as a kid, but something similiar. Please please do another like this!! If you banged Sally, I would be okay with that…for the comic appeal.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:15 am
“and you’re like, eight, which, by the way, is a billion in retarded years-”
“They’re like dog years,” Daniel clarified quickly.”
Right about here is when I completely lost my shit
hilarious D.O.B
October 30th, 2009 at 9:12 am
That was freakin hilarious. Hate Encyclopedia Brown–Love Dan O’ Brien.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am
this was spooktacular!
October 30th, 2009 at 9:10 am
This was so hilarious that it brought tears to my fucking eyes.
I love you, so fucking much.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Awwww dude, wish it was longer! Love it.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Ha ha, awesome.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Red Jen needs my dick in her mouth. Great article DOB
October 30th, 2009 at 8:35 am
JB — More like DAN-FUCKING-TASTIC amirite?
October 30th, 2009 at 8:35 am
This is so funny that I am going to go back in time, genetically modify my embryo’s chromosomes and genes and whatnot (I really don’t know shit about science) so I can become a hot girl, just so I can have your illegitimate babies.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Hilarious!
October 30th, 2009 at 8:28 am
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
October 30th, 2009 at 8:15 am
God damn, my childhood. Really enjoy these articles.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:02 am
“Man, when I was !!,”
Only DOB could be awesome enough to have once been an age consisting of two exclamation marks.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:55 am
DOB, thanks a lot for ruining my childhood. Now I have to clean up the coffee that shot out of my nose while I was laughing.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Weakenesses: spelling.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Wow. Just…Wow. I don’t even know how to classify this. Hi-Friggin-Larious.
However, I get the feeling that DOB was channeling dinner around the table with his dad in Chapter 2. (Until he went all Menedez Brother on him with a chainsaw made of cobras.)
October 30th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Hey Red Jen,
Why don’t you write the fucking articles if you know so fucking much about comedy? Jesus Christ. Prick.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:34 am
LOL, I sat through a bunch of those EB books when I was a kid, and I thought they kind of sucked then. Good fucking job! Now I have to read these idiotic Magic Tree House books to MY kids, check those out and lampoon THEM!
October 30th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Ahahahahahaha! DOB, you’re fantastic. I like your story-inserts much more than your other types of articles (they’re usually always awesome too, though) and this one was great. Nice job.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Dude, I grew up with Encyclopedia Brown books, and this is amazing.
DOB is a lot like Rule 34: He’ll destroy your childhood and there’s no way to unsee it. Also it will always involve dong.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Oh man, this is too good. DOB, you are the patron saint of destroying childhoods with drugs and pedophilia. And maybe some sharpie fumes or something, I dunno. Awesome.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:02 am
DOB, you’re such a degenerate. Getting pounds from Brown’s dad though was tits.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I was hoping to God that this article would never end. I grew up reading Encyclopedia Brown books, which I loved, but man, does this hit every nail. So freakin’ funny. Please make a sequel.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Awesome, totally destroying my childhood one memory at a time…
October 30th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Holy sh!t, i read this awesome childrens story while listening to Frank Sinatra’s Greatest hits and it totally linked up.
i mean not like that bullsh!t you hear about the Pink moon and flying monkeys, i mean for real.
Great as always, I doffed my hat to you DOB.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:39 am
DOB, funny as always
October 30th, 2009 at 6:34 am
“There was a long pause, during which Encyclopedia sobbed softly and Daniel took pictures.”
That bit is just great.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:33 am
I almost got in trouble at work for laughing really loud. I looked retarded because I had to lie and say I was laughing at something that I saw on tv last night. Keep it up DOB!
October 30th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Good premise but no direction. Needs refinement.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Cody!
Pay attention boy. You might just learn something.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:21 am
I read those books when I was a little kid and I just found this one of the funniest damn things I have seen on this site in a long, long time.
October 30th, 2009 at 6:07 am
@ Vooteeey, Riven and AV:
You god damn gold diggers better stay away from my Dan-Dan.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Holy Crap DOB, yet another great story.
Can’t wait for the next one……
October 30th, 2009 at 5:50 am
yeah me too. Dob, i love you!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:35 am
DOB, I’m not even gonna hide it anymore, I have a deeply homosexual love for you.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Great article. I lol’d. I would have actually read Encyclopedia Brown if you were in them.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:30 am
@Paul: My thoughts exactly.
And Daniel, if you do write a book (on any topic) I’m certain you’ll have a very large audience. Not only because of Cracked but because you are just an awesome writer!!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:17 am
I would buy this book. No joke.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:17 am
“Whoa, well, uh, Sally,” he said, “your Dad musta been a boner salesman, because when…Because one look- Because I’m looking at you and I have a boner.” Sally cried a little bit
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHHAH
DOB u are the best writer on cracked !!!!
October 30th, 2009 at 5:13 am
I loved the Encyclopedia Brown books as a kid. I’d love them even more if DOB was in all the books. I remember when I didn’t think it was Bugs (Everyone’s retardedness [errrr... is that a word? Is now...] was contagious)
October 30th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Now I’m sad.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Great job, DOB. I especially like the illustrations. All children’s stories should have a chapter illustrated with a fist.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I agree. This is the kind of series reboot EB needs.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:54 am
good article DOB, really you should sell your books people would buy that shit up
October 30th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Dear Daniel O’Brian,
This was the awesomest anything ever. I hereby offer to grow a womb and carry your child.
I’m not gay or anything, I’m just saying…
Wanna make out or something?
If you’re not too busy, I guess.
I liked this article very much I suppose is the general point I am trying to convey here.
…
I love you.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:46 am
yer lookin a lot like Shaia LaDouche in those illustrations, dood.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:46 am
“Man, when I was eleven,” Daniel chimed in, “I was swimming in preadolescents. Still am, in fact.”
Awesome.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Oh DOB. You always make me lulz. Fcking awesome article!
On a side note, it just wouldn’t be a DOB article without a pedophilic reference. lol
October 30th, 2009 at 4:36 am
My brother and I have begun to refer to Friday as TGIDOBD (Pronounced tigidobbed) keep up the hilarious work.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Now Dan, I’m glad my family could help you write the second part of that article, but I’m concerned about why you needed to put cameras in my parents bedroom and bathroom if your scene takes place at the kitchen table.
Also, you paid the invoice I sent you in cheez-its. Which, while we were honored to help you out, doesnt help us out a whole lot.
So if you could get back to me about these, I’d appreciate it.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Dan, your adventures are insane. I don’t know what medication you’re on but it sounds like fun.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:25 am
I’m not a huge fan of most of your articles, but I have to say this is the best article I’ve seen you written. Good job DOB!
October 30th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Hilarious piece. Encyclopedia Brown was always in way over his head and full of shit.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Ah, I remember reading those books when I was a kid. And they don’t hold up well. This would have made it a lot more interesting.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:17 am
this = win.