5) After an exchange of pleasantries and a wishing of a Happy Mother's Day, go back to cooking.
6) Cut the onions into thin slices, set aside.
7) Give your girlfriend an apologetic "Yeah, I know ..." look when she comes out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her head and she's surprised by the early arrival of your mom.
8) Continue coo- oh, look. Your mom wants to help. Explain that this is her day, and she should sit back and enjoy the mimosa you've prepared for her. When she insists, even though you know deep down that she's offering help because she thinks you can't make a simple goddamn breakfast like a fully functioning human adult, give her a firm "no" and send her back to the living room.
9) Roll your eyes. Hard.
10) Dice 1/2 tablespoon of chives, set aside.
11) Stop. Take a second to bask in your girlfriend's agony as your mom suggests ways she would decorate the apartment. Smile. Be glad you're not the one dealing with this right now.
11) Back to work. The baguette slices are done! Take them out of the oven and let cool.
12) Slice smoked salmon fillets in half to best fit the toasted baguettes. From your periphery, notice your mom watching your every move. Feel bad. She only wants to help. How much harm could she do?
13) Ask her for some help.
14) Get her to work on spreading cream cheese on the toasted baguette slices.
15) Softly (but angrily) pound a fist into the counter when your mom asks why you haven't asked for a promotion at work.
16) Explain to her, without sounding too bothered, that it's not that easy. There's a hierarchy of shameless ass-kissing and brown-nosing involved that, frankly, you want no part of. Try to explain to her that you're happy where you are now within the company.
Your boss looks mean, but he's actually quite horrible.
17) Close your eyes tight like you're preparing to take a punch as you wait for the inevitable motherly rebuttal.
18) Wait for it ...
19) Waiiit foooor iiiit ...
20) "You know, sweetie, you should really try to reach a little higher with your goals."
21) There it is.
22) Tell her you're fine. Tell her you're happy. Tell her you're exactly where you want to be in life. Tell her to not use so much damn cream cheese on each slice of toast. You're not made of cream cheese.
23) When she fires back with, "Okay, that's fine. But when you were little, all the kids would pick you to be team captain when you played sports," futilely try to make her understand that a pickup kickball game and being a "Telephonic Assistance Specialist" at a local cable television provider's call center are very different things.
24) Both of you continue working in silence after she says, "Well I'm sorry for thinking you'd make a great manager one day."