Everyone has those days when we pull back the slot machine lever of life, and everything comes up dick. It's one thing to have a moment, an hour, or even a day of doing shitty, inconsiderate things, but there's a point when the everyday bad thing you're doing veers off course and into banal evil. You're no Hitler, but fuck you all the same for giving a bad name to the common forms of shitty behavior a lot of us occasionally indulge in.
They are rage-inducing and, often times, deserving of a swift kick to whatever portion of the skull that fires up the dick-move green light, but there are ways those cretinous scumbags out there can mask their inherent everyday dickishness. Let me explain by telling these horrid pig people how to mask the stink of ...
#4. Slow-Moving Jaywalkers
There are too many videos on the Internet of people jaywalking with a carefree attitude -- only to get turned into red vapor by an oncoming car they didn't see. And I get the idea behind it: It's a small "I got this" moment of everyday life. I may be a spineless pussy for 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds of the day, but for the 5 seconds it takes to jaywalk across a street, I'm the type of brave soul people expect to hear an inspiring speech from, just before we fight an alien armada.
The unspoken contractual agreement drivers sign with jaywalkers the second they step onto the road goes like this: I, the "Driver," hereby allow you, the "Jaywalker," to cross the street illegally, in front of my two-ton death machine without fear of harm under the strict provision that you, the Jaywalker, move your ass with lightning speed or risk being forcefully reduced to a state of ooze.
"It's a damn shame. Didn't he know cars are solid?"
If I allow you to jaywalk in front of my car, I am extending a courtesy. Don't abuse it by slowly making your way across the road like I have to bend to your will. When that happens, the jaywalker is using my fear of killing someone against me. They think they have all of the leverage. So, when I honk at a slow-moving jaywalker, they get mad at me. I am extending the courtesy of not making you perform a series of very fast backflips against your will, and you get mad at me for honking? Yeah, sure. OK. I'm the asshole. You're absolutely right.The Solution:
If you're going to be a blatant dick about jaywalking, just turn the whole thing into a spontaneous gambling ring in which drivers waiting at lights place bets on how many flips oncoming cars will make your limp, rag-doll body do after being hit. It'll be like roulette, and you're the wheel.
No, seriously. If I have the opportunity to rake in some extra cash at your expense, I'm totally fine with you holding up my commute because you couldn't be bothered to walk the extra 20 feet to the crosswalk. I'm sure that everyone else watching your mortal meat-sack flop through the air will agree. Sure, the jaywalking move itself is full of dicks, but you've now supplied us with entertainment and cold, hard cash. Trust me, it won't be too hard for us to forgive you at that point.
#3. Not Picking Up Your Dog's Turds
Animals are unpredictable and fickle. This is particularly true of a shitting dog. In order to take a shit, a dog needs to sniff miles of dirt before it settles on the patch that fulfills whatever ludicrous set of criteria it has in its head. The owner has so little control over where the dog decides to poop that it's hard to blame him or her.
Though, sometimes, a dog will shit in a spot the owner knows goddamn well has a lot of foot traffic. The dog doesn't understand the harsh impact its butthole has on a new pair of Jordans. All the dog cares about is if the spot checks off every item on its "Perfect Place To Shit" list, of which I'm sure "Is Ground" is at the top and is nonnegotiable. That means it's entirely up to the owner to decide if the spot the dog has chosen is safe.
Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images
To shit on the sky -- a dog can only dream of it.
All it requires is the answering of one question: Do people walk here a lot? It doesn't matter if the owner is in a different city or a new neighborhood, or suffered a tragic accident and has mentally reverted back to the IQ he or she had as a zygote -- the owner knows exactly where feet can most often be found when they walk. When owners see their dog assuming that unnerving, vulnerable shitting-dog position, they should move mountains and push aside the sky and bend the natural forces of the universe to prevent even a morsel of turd from touching the ground. Or not. They can just yank the chain, say "No!" and lead the dog over to a place that is less likely to become a leading cause of spontaneous public cursing.The Solution:
Be creative, and dab a swirl of shit with a little cherry and a generous sprinkling of nuts to top off that disgusting but awfully plain froyo you and your dog have decided to leave to your neighbors as a gift. You don't even have to touch it. You could drizzle some rainbow sprinkles from a few feet above, and we'll all know what to avoid, and we won't be as grossed out because everybody likes being reminded froyo is a thing.
Why are you looking at me like I'm being sarcastic? My advice is 100 percent genuine. Think about it: Little girls will squeal with delight over the pretty decorations you've left them. Hand in hand, star-crossed lovers will stop and marvel at life's perfect reflection of their love. Gathering flies will never again experience the level of joy that you just provided them. You and your dog have just made the world a better place, and you should be proud of that.