I recently purchased three bags of apples, five packs of caramel wrap, and 100 razor blades, which can mean only one thing: it's Halloween time! A time when millions of children are at risk. Oh, not just those trick or treating at my door, but around the world. I'm talking about the mentally traumatizing affects of certain children's costumes. Seemingly innocent, merry disguises that lead to years of psychotherapy. Can purchasing the wrong costume for your child really cause mental illness? Can you easily slip Rohphynol into a packet of Skittles? (Sure can!)
So here's a heads up on the top 8 Halloween costumes for causing psychological scars, replete with the faulty logic that leads to the parental purchase and the inevitable psychiatric opinion to follow years later.
WHAT PARENTS TELL THEMSELVES WHEN BUYING IT
"Hmm, my little girl is growing, and while I can see a certain sexuality to the outfit, it's not very revealing. I mean, here's a costume she'll love because it will make her feel like a big girl without showing almost any skin whatsoever. Yeah, this will work well."
WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER
"Although the kids in your daughter's high school have labeled her "easy," "slutty," and "awesome," medically speaking your daughter suffers from what we call nymphomania or, more appropriately, "hypersexuality."
What caused it? Well, it has been linked to adrenal cancer, methamphetamine, and often the manic stage of bipolar depression, but I'm going to go out on limb here and say it was caused by you dressing her as a whore before she even had breasts. Let me ask you this: what is this even a costume of? It's not Bride of Frankenstein. Is it Mistress of Frankenstein? And why are there bolts in her hat? To keep it from fleeing her syphilitic skull? I can't imagine there's anything appealing about this actual costume to a little girl. Instead, I'm guessing your daughter wanted this because she hoped to be like the girl in the photo. The ten-year-old wearing heavy eyeliner. Wasn't that, right there, a good enough reason not to buy it? Why would you want your baby girl to emulate a pre-teen who somehow already knows how to make bukkake eyes at the camera?"