6. AVATAR'S NA'VI

"Oh, look! Its one of those Nabu creatures from Avatar. Becky loves that movie. Oh and it comes with a bag of dice. No wait, a mud flap? An eye patch! But for the crotch. Well whatever, I'm sure that leotard gives camel toe something fierce so whatever it is, I'm sure the Nabu know what they're doing."

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"It's never easy to explain to a parent that their child is a furry, but I'm afraid that's what we're dealing with here. Now understand, being a fur does not necessarily mean your daughter enjoys zoophilia (sex with animals) and/or plushophilia (sex with stuffed animals) but in this case, both are true. Had this costume been a little more accurate and contained something approximating a full leather loin cloth, I think Becky might have reacted differently. Instead, it came with a little pleather satchel of shame directly over her hoohah. And I think that filled Becky with feelings of discomfort about her genitalia. The only part of her sexually ambiguous blue zebra self that needed to be hidden. And all of this happened just as her hormones were kicking it. The synchronization of her new sexual feelings coupled with the animalistic appeal of the Nabu and the fear of her human sexuality had the unfortunate consequence of leading little Becky to Furry Fandom conventions since her late teens, along with hours of anonymous online sex with Teddy Ruxpin.

5. THRILLER-ERA MICHAEL JACKSON

4. GOTH CHEERLEADER

"Oh, look at this! Perfect. My daughter's not going to be one of those goody-two-shoes, shallow, blondie-blonde cheerleader types who tormented me in school. No way. She's fierce and independent. And who cares about that midrift? Ha, I bet it'll send those other moms into a tizzy. Those goody-two-shoes, blondie-blonde moms, but not me. I'm fierce and independent. Just like my girl. Like me!"

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"Well, I know why your daughter keeps cutting herself. Typically, I'd say the condition comes from years of low self-esteem. From depression that numbs an individual until feeling anything --even pain-- is a welcome relief from that numbness. And surely all that's true in this case, but if I had to blame just one thing, it would have to be that goth cheerleader costume. You realize she was just a kid, right? You don't really need to go to psychiatry school to know there might be something wrong with the symbolic gesture of dressing up your daughter as a soldier against cheer. Little girls are allowed to be happy, y'know? Couldn't you wait like at least ten more years before you filled her with bitterness and anger? Raising a daughter and holding a seminar on how to be a Suicide Girl shouldn't be the same thing.

3. SWEET PEA

2. BABY LADY GAGA

"Ha!!! I LOVE this! Baby Lady Gaga outfit. That is too much. What will they think of next? The most talented singing performer in the last 20 years, and now in child size? Oh, and its perfect for my baby, because that fashionably outrageous crown will divert focus from my daughter's missing limb."

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

"Um, at your request, I've examined your daughter and I can't find anything wrong with her - aside from the missing arm-but that's not a psychiatric problem. I think she just doesn't like Lady Gaga as much as you. You have to understand that when people say "you'd have to be crazy not to like Lady Gaga," they don't mean that literally. Also, no one says that."

1. HUMAN WHOOPIE CUSHION

"Oh, fuck. Why did I wait til the last second to buy a costume for my baby? And since when did the homeless guy in the alley outside my apartment start selling baby costumes? Oh well, this is all he has, what's the worst that could happen?"

WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER

In a word, your son is suffering from coprophilia, - sometimes known as fecalphilia, but for our purposes, let's just call it, "poo crazy." He enjoys the taste, smells, and sensations of poo. Even deriving pleasure from it sexually. It's a somewhat rare condition and usually no one can say why someone's synapses hard-wire in this particularly way. But this is not one of those times. Did you actually dress your son up as whoopee cushion? You thought that amusing, did you? What can I put my baby in? Oh, I know. A fake fart generator! I figure at some point, he crapped his diaper. So you had a baby, covered in poo, wrapped inside a device designed to deliver poo sounds. That's just a lot of poo for a young mind to process. Good job. I hope you're reincarnated as port-o-potty at a Motorhead outdoor concert, you sick bastard.

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