Man, did I ever take one for the team on this article. I had to find someone willing to bone me and call it work. Not that I don't have to work to find people to have sex with me -- it's pretty much a full-time job -- but this is the first time I ever got paid for it, so thanks Cracked!
Up to this point in my life, I'd been having sex in the traditional way -- in the cleared-out corner of my hovel while weeping hysterically until something happens and I get sleepy. Not so today! Today, I put to work the ancient text of the The Kama Sutra, or at least the parts dealing with where your boner should go, and tried out some of those sex positions you've seen pictures of and thought, "There's no way that can feel good." Man, you have no idea how right you were.
This is utterly preposterous. That anyone even thought of this position just shows the lengths some people will go to to ruin sex for others. This position is to sex what breaking your spine is to sex.
The basic technique of The Bridge is for the man to support himself on his hands and feet, creating an arch with his body. But not the easy way -- the hard way, the way your back wasn't designed to bend. So you're going to want to be naked and mimicking that terrifying spider-walk from The Exorcist. Your lady friend takes advantage at this point by hopping on your flagpole.
Bibliotheque de Geneve
Expect to go half-mast within seconds.
I want you to consider this now. You're bent over literally backwards. Do you know why that exists as a saying? Why saying that you bent over backwards to do something implies you really put a lot of effort in? Because it's fucking hard to bend over backwards if you're not made of rubber. And that saying in no way implies that, once you bent over backwards, you let another human climb on and ride you, because clearly that would be insane. The only thing missing to turn this from a sex position into a medieval torture is a bed of hot coals under you.
In practical terms, they could simply call this position "Collapsed Heap Of Shrieking, Broken Dong" and it would be just as accurate a description of what's happening. I have no doubt some yoga masters, gymnasts, and Avengers can do this. I can't.
It's the only possible explanation for why Gwen and MJ stick around.
I found this position attractive because it looked less painful to me as the male half of the equation, and I was feeling spiteful after my London Bridge done came down. This was designed for limber ladies of a certain physical aptitude. The kind who can just throw a leg up in the air and not expect it to come down again.
The Asian Parent
Even a Rockette would chicken out after five seconds of this.
If you're not a dancer type who is able to Van Damme your crotch at a moment's notice, even the most sincere effort to make this position work will result not in sexual bliss but in Felix getting kicked square in the breadbasket. It's like being Jack at the top of the beanstalk and the giant has been replaced with a hot girl, but she still wants to stomp you to death for some reason and won't stop slamming you with her foot over and over until you beg to move on to the next one.
You need to follow along with this one, because it defies good sense and logic. How this position works is the woman is supposed to be on her back lying down. The man hops on board, facing away but with bits lined up in an appropriate fashion. So he's straddling her groinal area, facing her feet. You got it? Good. Now use the power of your imagination to make his Tab A jigger into her Slot B. Because that's the next step.
The step after that is a trip to the emergency room in Block C.
If you, like me, have seen genitals before and where we keep them, the setup for this position may be hard for you to fathom. I read the directions too, and I get all the words, but I can read a story about a unicorn shitting golden robots that look like Kevin James -- doesn't mean it fits into reality anywhere.
Due to the logistics of wang hang and vaginal locomotion, this was a complete non-starter. There was some grunting and a few genuine moments of an extreme discomfort that resembled the setup for a flesh catapult, but, in the end, there was no dice. No dice!
Have you ever done a secret handshake with someone? Like a mildly complicated routine you had to plot and rehearse to ensure it was done right? This is that, only with your genitals instead of your hands. In the end it looks cool, but you need to plot it in the right order, or it'll be all craptastical and fail. Probably shatter a ball or something to boot.
Even the cartoon models look agonized and eager to get this over with.
This works by having the bepenised partner lie down. The insertee has a seat, and then the partner on the bottom sits up with his legs outside the other's body. So at this point you're facing each other, just having a seat, with one of you inside the other one. So far, so good. You loop hands around each other's legs and ... that's where the description ends. This seemed wrong to me, so I tried to add a rowing dynamic with a bit of extreme back-and-forth leaning, pulling on each other's hands until it was less sexy and more like a strange, naked tug-o-war. Which is kind of an accurate description of sex anyway.
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Rope burn optional, though in this case, probably less painful.
This is an awesome position if you don't actually like your partner. Like, maybe if you're some kind of sexual supervillain who ensnares heroes in lusty hijinks and then deploys elaborate James Bond-type traps. That's kind of mean, incidentally. Don't do that.
Anyway, The Suspended Scissors involves the lady on her side, dangling off the bed and using her hand to support herself. The dude has to ease up on her legs, between them, straddling the bottom leg until he's "in position." Once there, he holds her top leg in one hand and her waist in the other hand to support her. Can you visualize it? I did it and I can't.
It's like the world's kinkiest Escher painting.
This position is as easy to meld with sex as a fly was to meld with Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, it worked, but that shit was ugly and there was arm trauma. It's not as physically punishing as trying to have sex standing up with the woman grasping onto you like a finger monkey, but it's still pretty insane. Plus, if she's holding herself up with one hand on the floor, your efforts to powerbomb her muffin into pleasure oblivion are unwelcome at best, and spinal-fracture-inducing at worst.
What on Earth is happening in this position? I had to try it, because the picture made me think of docking a boat or maybe a subway car pulling into the station, and being a man these machine-like images appeal to me. I'd drive to work every day in a dump truck if I could.
So, basically, what's going on here is the lady partner lies down on her stomach. Feel free to prop yourself up on your arms and read Better Homes And Gardens. The man crab-walks onto the scene behind her until his butt hovers above her butt. From this butt-hover position, the man deploys his humpsparagus into her fertile crescent. Then, he kind of quivers and jiggle-jags around until the magic makes them both sleepy.
I make it sound pretty artsy and sexyful, like a painting by Goya, but in fact it's a lot harder than it sounds. Your aim has to be really on the money with this one, and you'll probably need to use a hand to push your wang against the tide and aim it toward her Death Star's thermal exhaust port.
20th Century Fox
It also helps if your XXX-Wing is extra Biggs.
In the end (not a pun unless you want it to be), this is more like work than sexy fun super times. It's like a strange pogo stick experience that leaves you sweaty and semi-satisfied, but also with a moist ass crack. I'm not saying that's bad; I'm just observing.
This is pretty good unless you have a sinus issue, in which case you might asphyxiate. But I guess asphyxiation is pretty hot, because why else would so many people be choking themselves out in hotel closets? You can't argue with results.
For this to work, half of the manfellow has to be on the bed. The business half. In this case, the business half with the love spindle. The rest flops like dirty laundry off the side of the bed. For added ambiance, maybe your head can actually be resting on dirty laundry, like mine was. But it was my dirty laundry, and therefore acceptable. Honestly, it's not like I shit myself; it was just an old shirt.
Playboy Condoms Mexico
"Huh, why didn't we think of that?" -The Inquisition
Anyway, the woman proceeds to do what she needs to do with the half of you that isn't on the floor, while the rest of you just kind of takes it and thinks about life, groceries, and why your head suddenly feels so heavy and warm. The inner turmoil between blood trying to be present in abundance in two disparate halves of your person is the real thrill of this position and, in no time at all, your feet will be numb because you can guarantee those useless stubs aren't getting a drop of red.
leonardo sandon/iStock/Getty Images
So if toes and amputation turn you on, welcome to Heaven.
Extended sex in this position will probably make you pass out. I didn't get that far, since my bed frame was digging into my spine after about 10 minutes and I suggested we move. Fun fact: The dismount was just me falling on the floor in fear of my damp wang slapping me on the lips. Because, for a second, it looked like that was going to happen. Of course, I'm not that well-hung and/or flexible, so instead I crumpled to one side. But still, it was the visual that mattered.
Nothing says loving quite like invoking the image of a hairy man-beast. After viewing the illustration for this position, I would have called it the Wang-A-Pult or the Launchpad, because it really looks like you're about to send your lady flying, assuming you have the powerful thigh thrustability of a mighty grasshopper.
The way this works is the man lies on his back and brings his knees to his chest. Probably -- though I had no way to tell if it were true -- this makes your thighs look like a couple of undesirable hamburger buns squeezing out a bulgy, fleshy pickle. It's at this point you need to maneuver that flesh pickle into flagpole position and turn the rest of your squalid hindquarters into a La-Z-Boy, because that's where your friend is going to be sitting. She's even supposed to use your feet as a back rest.
Be sure to warn her beforehand if you haven't changed your socks in the past two weeks.
Are you picturing apes yet? I suspect not, because if you ever see an ape pull off sex this needlessly complex, it's time to head for the hills, as Planet Of The Apes has come true in a far more pornographic way than either Charlton Heston or James Franco ever imagined, and none of us want to see how it plays out with those big, flappy-faced orangutans.
20th Century Fox
"You maniac, you blew your load too early! Goddamn you to Hell!"
In the end, the majority of positions in this little book are probably just swell. The rest were clearly added in as jokes to see if anyone would be dumb enough to try them. Check and mate.
Perhaps it's best to treat The Kama Sutra as a friendly suggestion rather than an authority, or you might get yourself hurt doing any of the moves in 7 'Kama Sutra' Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital. Besides, ancients were apparently a lot more perverted than you'd think, as evidenced by 5 Artifacts That Prove Ancients Were Some Sick M'fers.
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