7

The Lustful Leg

I found this position attractive because it looked less painful to me as the male half of the equation, and I was feeling spiteful after my London Bridge done came down. This was designed for limber ladies of a certain physical aptitude. The kind who can just throw a leg up in the air and not expect it to come down again.

The Asian Parent
Even a Rockette would chicken out after five seconds of this.

If you're not a dancer type who is able to Van Damme your crotch at a moment's notice, even the most sincere effort to make this position work will result not in sexual bliss but in Felix getting kicked square in the breadbasket. It's like being Jack at the top of the beanstalk and the giant has been replaced with a hot girl, but she still wants to stomp you to death for some reason and won't stop slamming you with her foot over and over until you beg to move on to the next one.

6

The Propeller

You need to follow along with this one, because it defies good sense and logic. How this position works is the woman is supposed to be on her back lying down. The man hops on board, facing away but with bits lined up in an appropriate fashion. So he's straddling her groinal area, facing her feet. You got it? Good. Now use the power of your imagination to make his Tab A jigger into her Slot B. Because that's the next step.

So Feminine
The step after that is a trip to the emergency room in Block C.

5

The Rowboat

Have you ever done a secret handshake with someone? Like a mildly complicated routine you had to plot and rehearse to ensure it was done right? This is that, only with your genitals instead of your hands. In the end it looks cool, but you need to plot it in the right order, or it'll be all craptastical and fail. Probably shatter a ball or something to boot.

So Feminine
Even the cartoon models look agonized and eager to get this over with.

This works by having the bepenised partner lie down. The insertee has a seat, and then the partner on the bottom sits up with his legs outside the other's body. So at this point you're facing each other, just having a seat, with one of you inside the other one. So far, so good. You loop hands around each other's legs and ... that's where the description ends. This seemed wrong to me, so I tried to add a rowing dynamic with a bit of extreme back-and-forth leaning, pulling on each other's hands until it was less sexy and more like a strange, naked tug-o-war. Which is kind of an accurate description of sex anyway.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Rope burn optional, though in this case, probably less painful.

4

The Suspended Scissors

This is an awesome position if you don't actually like your partner. Like, maybe if you're some kind of sexual supervillain who ensnares heroes in lusty hijinks and then deploys elaborate James Bond-type traps. That's kind of mean, incidentally. Don't do that.

Anyway, The Suspended Scissors involves the lady on her side, dangling off the bed and using her hand to support herself. The dude has to ease up on her legs, between them, straddling the bottom leg until he's "in position." Once there, he holds her top leg in one hand and her waist in the other hand to support her. Can you visualize it? I did it and I can't.

So Feminine
It's like the world's kinkiest Escher painting.

This position is as easy to meld with sex as a fly was to meld with Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, it worked, but that shit was ugly and there was arm trauma. It's not as physically punishing as trying to have sex standing up with the woman grasping onto you like a finger monkey, but it's still pretty insane. Plus, if she's holding herself up with one hand on the floor, your efforts to powerbomb her muffin into pleasure oblivion are unwelcome at best, and spinal-fracture-inducing at worst.

3

The Landslide

What on Earth is happening in this position? I had to try it, because the picture made me think of docking a boat or maybe a subway car pulling into the station, and being a man these machine-like images appeal to me. I'd drive to work every day in a dump truck if I could.

So, basically, what's going on here is the lady partner lies down on her stomach. Feel free to prop yourself up on your arms and read Better Homes And Gardens. The man crab-walks onto the scene behind her until his butt hovers above her butt. From this butt-hover position, the man deploys his humpsparagus into her fertile crescent. Then, he kind of quivers and jiggle-jags around until the magic makes them both sleepy.

A particularly boring issue devoted to potted plants will do the trick as well.

2

The Supernova

This is pretty good unless you have a sinus issue, in which case you might asphyxiate. But I guess asphyxiation is pretty hot, because why else would so many people be choking themselves out in hotel closets? You can't argue with results.

For this to work, half of the manfellow has to be on the bed. The business half. In this case, the business half with the love spindle. The rest flops like dirty laundry off the side of the bed. For added ambiance, maybe your head can actually be resting on dirty laundry, like mine was. But it was my dirty laundry, and therefore acceptable. Honestly, it's not like I shit myself; it was just an old shirt.

Playboy Condoms Mexico
"Huh, why didn't we think of that?" -The Inquisition

Anyway, the woman proceeds to do what she needs to do with the half of you that isn't on the floor, while the rest of you just kind of takes it and thinks about life, groceries, and why your head suddenly feels so heavy and warm. The inner turmoil between blood trying to be present in abundance in two disparate halves of your person is the real thrill of this position and, in no time at all, your feet will be numb because you can guarantee those useless stubs aren't getting a drop of red.

leonardo sandon/iStock/Getty Images
So if toes and amputation turn you on, welcome to Heaven.

1

The Ape

Nothing says loving quite like invoking the image of a hairy man-beast. After viewing the illustration for this position, I would have called it the Wang-A-Pult or the Launchpad, because it really looks like you're about to send your lady flying, assuming you have the powerful thigh thrustability of a mighty grasshopper.

The way this works is the man lies on his back and brings his knees to his chest. Probably -- though I had no way to tell if it were true -- this makes your thighs look like a couple of undesirable hamburger buns squeezing out a bulgy, fleshy pickle. It's at this point you need to maneuver that flesh pickle into flagpole position and turn the rest of your squalid hindquarters into a La-Z-Boy, because that's where your friend is going to be sitting. She's even supposed to use your feet as a back rest.

So Feminine
Be sure to warn her beforehand if you haven't changed your socks in the past two weeks.

Are you picturing apes yet? I suspect not, because if you ever see an ape pull off sex this needlessly complex, it's time to head for the hills, as Planet Of The Apes has come true in a far more pornographic way than either Charlton Heston or James Franco ever imagined, and none of us want to see how it plays out with those big, flappy-faced orangutans.

20th Century Fox
"You maniac, you blew your load too early! Goddamn you to Hell!"

In the end, the majority of positions in this little book are probably just swell. The rest were clearly added in as jokes to see if anyone would be dumb enough to try them. Check and mate.

Perhaps it's best to treat The Kama Sutra as a friendly suggestion rather than an authority, or you might get yourself hurt doing any of the moves in 7 'Kama Sutra' Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital. Besides, ancients were apparently a lot more perverted than you'd think, as evidenced by 5 Artifacts That Prove Ancients Were Some Sick M'fers.

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