Vatsyayana's Kama Sutra was a strategy guide for the interaction of penises and vaginas in Gupta-era India (320 to 550 CE), meant to be read by sexual partners to enhance their lovemaking. That's around the same time the New Testament was made official, and people still take that book pretty seriously. What's the problem?
Well it turns out there's a big difference between adopting moral platitudes from thousands of years ago, and trying out their sex advice. Some of the "tips" from the Kama Sutra seem to be setting people up for serious injury should they be performed incorrectly, or in some cases, if they're performed at all.
7The Suspended Congress
"When a man supports himself against a wall, and the woman, sitting on his hands joined together and held underneath her, throws her arms round his neck, and putting her thighs alongside his waist, moves herself by her feet, which are touching the wall against which the man is leaning, it is called the 'suspended congress.'"
Oh it's just a little standing position. Sounds easy enough, right ladies? Well, to most men, the idea of having sex standing up is a slippery, pride-greased slope towards repeating the phrase, "I'm so sorry," over your naked heap of a body and his own rapidly blue-ing balls. It's not like he's going to say no. If he wants to have sex with you, he'd swear he could bench press twice his body weight right up until he passed out from the 500 lbs of barbell he just dropped on his own chest. You think he's going to tell you he doesn't have the strength to hold you up for more than five seconds?
Also, "Suspended Congress" is just about the most unappealing name for a position in the history of sex.
Why it's Dangerous:
Anne Hooper warns in her Keep It Simple Kama Sutra Series that this position should not be attempted by men "that have even the inkling of a bad back!" (Exclamation-mark totally included.) Now there's a bit of medical history he's going to willingly volunteer when you've just asked him to turn you into a human sex swing.
The book goes even further by pointing out that should the man drop the woman, her tailbone could be fractured and her arms could get popped right out of their sockets, not to mention the ferocious dick-snapping that would likely occur (see "The Turning Position," below). All told, the Suspended Congress could lead to the most humiliating emergency room visit in both of your lives.
6The Turning Position
"When a man, during congress, turns round, and enjoys the woman without leaving her, while she embraces him round the back all the time, it is called the 'turning position,' and is learnt only by practice." - Vatsyayana
This is basically a guy doing the Curly Shuffle while inside his girlfriend, which was considered the pinnacle of intimacy by all three stooges. Some may refer to this as "The Helicopter."
The ladies love this guy.
Why it's Dangerous:
While we're all for ruining tender moments with bafflingly asinine behavior, there are certain feats the human body was not designed to perform under any circumstance. Sure, the evolutionary process is largely trial-and-error, but we're fairly certain that at no point was the penis intended to function like a corkscrew, which is the precise idea behind the Turning Position.
Vatsyayana's advice is for the male to simply wing it and spin his entire body around the girl, failing to mention that if he moves too fast he can literally snap his dick in half.
Really it's hard to tell who exactly benefits from the turning position, because even if the guy is really into yoga and manages to pull it off without suffering a penile fracture, the girl's insides are in danger of being torn to pieces if the guy is anything less than gentle. Physical injury aside, guys are spending half the time making out with his partner's feet while she in turn stares down the barrel of his grundle, which we're pretty sure is considered sexual assault, consent be damned.