7

People Who Take Forever to Order at McDonald's

I try not to eat fast food too frequently. After all, once you're over 30 those Calvin Klein underwear modeling gigs are harder to come by, and I want to look my best. But if I'm in a McDonald's, odds are I'm in a rush. And the good people at McDonald's appreciate that. That's why they only make about ten things and even package them in numbered meals with brightly displayed pictures over the cashiers. You can be incredibly high and incoherent and still successfully stumble into Mickey D's, utter "Number 1," and get fed in less than three minutes. Feeding morons cheaply and quickly is what they do. That would even be their slogan if it didn't do so poorly in focus groups.

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$5.54 and three minutes is all you need for poison, dummy!

6

People Who Create Gaps In Lines

Ever been in a long line behind someone who feels the need to create a three to five foot buffer between themselves and the people in front of them? No one likes waiting in long lines. It's a drag. And yes, it's kind of sad how we get excited when the line advances a few inches, and then we step up a few inches. But, y'know what? That's how lines work, and it is absolutely unacceptable not to move up when the people in front of you do. I know you think you're sending a message that you're some bold individual too unique and brilliant to do exactly what every other member of the line is doing, but that's not the message we're hearing. What we're hearing is, "Look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so cooooooooool. Does it bother you when I don't move up? Oh, you silly line person. I pity you. I'm free from the dictates of the line!" And we hate you for it. We hate you so much. You have no idea. Actually, you might have some idea. You see the distance between you and the person in front of you? If inches were buckets of acidic hate, that's how much.

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For some reason my search for "the worst person alive" did not return an appropriate search result.

5

People Not From Jamaica Who Sing With Jamaican Accents In Reggae Bands

Look, I like reggae as much as the next guy. (Unless the next guy is a dirty hippie who likes reggae then I don't really like reggae at all.) In any event, you might be surprised to learn that not every single dude in a reggae band is Jamaican. Did you know that? I know it might be hard to believe with all those happy Jamaican inflections that taint all the vocal phrasings, but it's true! Bob Marley and Peter Tosh? Yes, Jamaican. That dude in the college band that plays at Sigma Pi? He's from New Jersey. But he has dreads you say! True, but his name is Leonard Appplebaum and he's white.

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Actually, this is hairstyle on a white guy can be sufficient grounds for death regardless of accent.

4

People Who Steal All The Cheese By Grabbing One Carefully Selected Nacho or French Fry

Cheese fries and Nachos. Two delicious treats that thrive on the theory that if you pile up a bunch of starchy carbs and drizzle it with cheese, people will eat it. Not really a theory. More of a maxim because people will eat anything drizzled in cheese. Now as anyone who's ingested these treats knows, perfect cheese distribution is nearly impossible. Some chips and fries will get a lion share while others will be deprived of the precious dairy and that's not really anyone's fault. I suppose the chefs could build these concoctions in layers, ensuring a more egalitarian cheese-distribution, but that's a lot to ask. It's just something we accept.

But some people (some reprehensible, awful people) take advantage of this situation. They grab the chip or fry with extra cheese. Even that's forgivable. There are probably whole bunches with extra cheese so when you're sharing everyone can get a good one, right? I'm talking about something far worse. I'm talking about people who snag the nacho or fry that is strategically tied to every other fry or nacho on the top layer. With one selfish surgical strike you can convert those cheese-drizzled nachos or fries into plain old dry chips and fries, stealing all the deliciousness for yourself. An offense punishable by death.

Appropriate Death Penalty

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Cheese totally optional.

3

People In A Hurry To Be Slow

This applies equally to cars and pedestrians. The path or road is crowded; everyone's got somewhere to go; you're busting a move, but someone else is busting more. Maybe they're in a bigger rush. Maybe they're late for some emergency. So they pull up in front of you and you think, "OK. Well played, good sir. You earned that location." And then suddenly, they wilt. They lose all determination. They creep back down to a crawl or putter along under the speed limit.

It turns out they were only in a hurry to be in front of you. Pretty infuriating. You want to scream, "Hey, if you hadn't jumped in front of me, I'd be 50 yards in front of you by now. You'd be doing the same thing you're doing now except I wouldn't be stuck behind you." Of course, you can't actually say that without sounding like a crazy person so the more obvious solution is to murder them.

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"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Why are you still in front of me? I just said, 'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.'"

2

Dudes Who Grab Only Your Fingers When Shaking Hands

Guys do this thing where they have to prove how manly and assertive they are by the strength of their handshake grip. Annoying yes, but this entry is not about the guy who tries to crush your hand with his alpha-male grip. No doubt that's lame, but punishable by death? Come now, surely I'm not that hateful. What could have given you that idea? No, no, no. I just want to kill the guys who cheat at handshakes by grabbing your fingers. Y'know, so that your palms don't touch. They reach and squeeze the bejesus out of your four fingers while you're deprived of any gripping ability. Your thumb flails around in space while theirs crushes down on your forefinger. There's just no coming back from that.

Appropriate Death Penalty

Offenders are asked to traverse monkey bars above a lake of fire. Each rung, however, is increasingly greased with pork lard. About halfway across, when the rungs are just ungraspable, the offender can maintain safety only by sticking his arm into a bear trap. Should the bear trap actually save the offender (as opposed to just shearing off the arm and dropping him into the fiery lake) we then release the ravenous genetically-engineered pterodactyls.

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Just a prototype, but I'm totes serious about this.

1

People Who Don't Say Thank You When You Hold A Door Open

This entry is a little different from the others, and in a way it is simultaneously the least offensive and most egregious one on the list. Look, you're supposed to be kind and courteous. That's just the deal. You don't deserve a medal. I get it, but at the same time, when I go out of my way to hold a door open for someone, and they don't say thank you, I go a little nuts. Hell, you don't even really have to say thank you. Just like nod and grumble something. That's fine. But when you take a door that's being held open for you and walk through without even noticing who's done you a tiny favor, you magically transform someone's act of kindness into an act of servitude. Not only are you not saying thank you, you're saying "Hmm, very well, piss boy you may allow me to enter." Without saying a word you're discouraging future acts of kindness. That is why, without a hint of hyperbole, humanity demands that I concoct a bizarre death for you.

Appropriate Death Penalty

Construct a hallway of 10 doors. Fit each door with a silence-activated poison dart gun. Have the offender follow a helpful robot through the hallway. Each time an opened door is followed by a "thank you" or similar noise, the poison dart will NOT be shot. If the offender makes it through all ten doors he will reach the "freedom pavilion" The freedom pavilion is activated to fill with piranha-infested waters upon the utterance of ten "thank yous."

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"Was that 9 'thank yous' and one 'thanks'? Ah, close enough."

Thank you to Louise Davidson for the door-holding suggestion.

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