I hate this family. That fairy tale book has nothing to do with wiener fairies and you know it, you sick old lady. The little girl knows it, too. She just wants to talk about skinless wieners, and that's why she's SHOUTING WITH CAPITAL LETTERS AT HER GRANDMA. Look at how she's got her hand on her grandmother's flappy neck meat. She's manipulating the whole conversation, relentlessly driving it toward that which was once only a faraway dream -- meat tubes that aren't served in sheep entrails. If this is story time on the sofa, can you imagine what these people are like when they're served actual skinless hot dogs at a barbecue? Breathless wonder and elderly orgasms all around.

my-retrospace.blogspot.com

This time the hot dogs have faces and sing a ballad about how they lost their skins. It's like one of the Just So Stories sung by your junk food just before you destroy it with your mouth. That one on the end -- I'm not sure, but I think she's a lady hot dog, thus the modesty. Too bad that towel and powder puff overly emphasize the fact that she is really, really shaped like a penis that you can eat. Squinch your eyes and you can see it.

Buried in all that pornography is a subtle insult to the reader. The copy says "Skinless frankfurters are sure to be tender because they have no skins!" I like how "because they have no skins" was added almost parenthetically, just in case the readers couldn't figure out what "skinless" meant. Then again, we're talking about people who referred to skinless wieners without suffering a giggle fit, so maybe they weren't so bright.

Most egregious of all is the ad below, when Jughead Junior and Bill "NO SKINS!" O'Hannomalley learn a lesson in life and love.

Woman's Day

Say what you want about the folks behind Skinless Wieners, but they sure did know how to serve frankfurters with chocolate chip ice cream, bacon with a side of bird poops.

Before there was such a thing as Rule 34, Mickey Mouse was giving the freaks all the ammunition they'd ever need with this saucy exchange. It starts as all pornos start: with one huge girl rodent sitting in a tree while paying a sweet, innocent compliment to her huge rodent boyfriend dangling from a wisp of a branch. At least I think that saying that your boyfriend is ahead of milk in terms of bestness is a compliment.

But Mickey Mouse takes that innocuous comment and tosses a fat salad with it. Forget the fact that he countered Minnie's altruistic remark with a conceited comment about himself. And even forget that the packaging never identifies the milk as having an affiliation with Walt Disney. That pretentious rat took ownership of something that didn't even have anything to do with him. "Allow me to compliment you on my Pyramid of Khufu, m'lady." (Doffs imaginary hat and bows.) That's my impression of Mickey Mouse visiting Egypt.

So Mickey's self-absorption is problem number one, which I told you to forget. The real problem, as you've already figured out, has nothing to do with his weird selfishness. It's that Mickey wants to put his mouse milk inside of Minnie because Mickey's bodily fluids are the best thing in the world. Coupled with their aggressive pointing, their overeager Pac-Man-shaped eyes and whatever humping motion is going on with Mickey's lower half, we can all agree that no one skipped the bong the day this was written.

Does it help that the seated man is wearing white leggings, an anklet and ballerina flats? No, it does not. But at least the ad just has two casually undressed guys hanging out, talking and holding hands and whatnot. A little innuendo never hurt anybody. The two below put innuendo on a wrestling mat and straddled it while wiggling their butts.

Musingwear

Again, I'm guessing that totally out and proud gay guys do not wrestle each other in their underwear. I wouldn't know, though, because you never invite me to your parties. The point is that Munsingwear's "Stretchy-Seat" underwear is specifically targeting men who engage in semi-naked combat. We're forced to conclude that either that was a thing people did back then or Munsingwear seriously misread their market. At least the ad below gives us some reasonable context: a locker room. Yes, it is perfectly reasonable to imagine men talking to each other in a locker room as they undress. I mean, I'm not imagining that right now. I don't have to:

Cluett, Peabody and Company

COME ON, ARROW. Seamless crotch? GO GAY? But not too gay? In the whole English language, there wasn't a better way of putting across the idea that you changed your colors? Nice corset, Gene Kelly. How much do you want to bet that the text bubble is covering up a third guy doing squats or something?

Speaking of ...

retroarama.tumblr.com

Doink! Dad got caught exercising privately in his own room again! Skippy and Junior didn't knock so they could capture every riotous second as they stood at the door laughing in their underpants, as grown brothers often do. Junior is also brushing Skippy's nipple, because at this point, why not?

Finally, I want to say that there's nothing wrong with people dressing in a way that defies gender expectations, like a man wearing ladies' stockings and patent leather shoes while lovingly caressing his own leg, for example. Or when a woman is a cop. That's a fine thing to do. I am saying it's probably not the best way to advertise your man socks.

Interwoven Mills

This guy is business on the top, party on the bottom. He's the first human mullet.

And that's pretty much it for my list. There are a lot of fun ways you can advertise bananas. There's only one that's pretty rapey: shoving them down the throat of a little girl whose face is saying "NO" and whose body language is screaming for a restraining order against Stripes. You can try to be cute ...

Chiquita

You can even try to be sexy. By all means, throw some sex appeal into your banana ad. You've earned it. Banana republics don't come cheap.

Chiquita

Make an ad where monkeys put bananas in their butts for no good reason. Make an ad that features disabled bananas in wheelchairs speaking with robot voices. Make a bin Laden banana that gets taken out by little babies dressed as SEAL Team 6. Recreate the Zapruder film with bananas. "Bananas: So Good, They Made the Sinking of the Titanic Worth It."

Do literally anything you want, but don't jam an oversized banana down a little girl's throat.

Speaking of the worst thing in the world ....