OK, so you were on a ladder. I'm assuming you have some tools with you?
I've got this hammer here, yes.
If you throw that hammer at, say, uh, hang on, math ... three times the speed of sound or so, you should kill off most of your momentum.
I don't think I can throw a hammer that fast.
Even if you only get it up to one or two times the speed of sound, that will still help.
No, I don't think you're understanding the scale of the dilemma.
In situations of extreme duress, people have been known to exhibit hysterical strength. So throw the hammer! You might get lucky.
OK, here goes!
How fast did you throw it?
It's falling alongside me.
So not very fast, then?
I think I can reach out and grab it.
Hmm. OK, grab it and maybe ... maybe try again?
Too late. It's now floating above me just out of reach.
Yeah, I think you just accelerated yourself down even faster.
That sounds bad.
Doubly bad, because I realize now you needed that hammer for my next bit of advice.
What was that?
You were going to build another ladder to grab onto.
Oh God, I'm going to die listening to a moron.
And then get hit by a falling hammer.
"Hammer! No! I love you!"
You magnificent fucker.
I guess I kind of did get you to do something dumb, didn't I?
I'm so screwed.
Not necessarily. You're falling from a couple stories up?
And we've wasted too much time on that hammer business for you to twist around to get your legs under you.
Thanks for that.
No problem. You're not doomed yet, though. I need you to pay really close attention, OK?
The human body has a density of about 1.062 g/cm3, which is just a bit more than water. The density of soil ranges from maybe 1.2 to 1.5 g/cm3, depending on how wet and compacted it is, which means you should technically float when you, wait ... no, that's not what that means. OK, let's start again. The lever action of your spine when it contacts the ground will cause an excess of torque-pounds to be applied directly to the fulcrum of the tangent integral between your neck and the Earth's magnetic field. In 1954, avant-garde French physicist Sebas-
Did you hit?
Yes! OWWWWWWWW! Wait! I'm alive! OWWWWWWWWW.
What worked? OWWWWWWWWW.
I bored you so much that you went limp. If you were unable to break any of the impact with your legs, simply going limp was the best way to distribute the forces evenly.
Was that the hammer?
No, that missed me. That's strange, isn't it? OWWWWWWWWW.
I really expected that to peg you in the face.
It seemed perfectly set up for that. OWWWWWWWWW.
Didn't it? In comedy writing, that's called a callback.
Thanks for taking this moment of my immense pain to share a bit of your craft with me.
What is it?
The seagull shit on my head. OWWWAUUUUUUUGH.
There it is.
What do I do now? OWWWAUUUUUUUGROSSS.
Well, in keeping with the ancient tradition, I suppose I should say Congratulations! You're now no longer falling from a ladder! Should you desire any further guidance, please consult our guide, So Your Hair and Organs Are All Messed Up.
(In all seriousness? Go to a hospital, friend.)
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and did actually fall off a ladder this weekend, so if you see any spelling mistakes, there's your reason. You can send your condolences to him care of Facebook or Twitter.
Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.
March 10, 2019
The 'wellness' market is thriving right now.
March 08, 2019
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
March 15, 2019
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
March 14, 2019
Let's not get too crazy, kids.
March 07, 2019
Some days you just don't want to go to work.
March 17, 2019