3

At Some Point, You Just Stop Trying To Buy Surprise Gifts

My grandmother was one of those sweet and tiny ladies who didn't believe in spending money on anything that could be made, borrowed, or scrounged from one of those suspicious-smelling jars she kept in the basement pantry. So the day she bought me the one and only doll I ever had in my childhood will forever shine in my memory with "What the hell did I just witness?" infamy.

It was the '80s, and we were standing in a large department store in the days before Christmas when a shaky, war-weary teenager rolled out a pallet of Cabbage Patch dolls. Heads rose above the aisles as rabid shoppers sniffed the air. Then, as if moving as one, they descended on him with a wild and feral howl, tearing him and each other to shreds to get their hands on a plastic, dimpled, curly-haired monstrosity.

My grandmother turned to me, her eyes shining with a courage and determination the likes of which I'd never seen before and haven't seen since, and asked, "Do you want one?" I nodded. She dove into the mob in a blur of purple wool, and while I've never told anyone what I witnessed that day, she emerged victorious.

2

They Need To Figure Things Out For Themselves ... Or At Least Appear To

"I need to murder someone from English class," she says, standing in the middle of my basement lair, surrounded by the bones of my enemies while various lethal concoctions bubble away in the background. "Should I text Uncle John or Aunt Sally for help with that?" (Answer: John for untraceable poison, Sally for brutal bludgeoning.)

It's tricky. She, being a child, wants to learn stuff I know, but she never wants to learn it from me. I can't even blame her. I've been teaching her stuff every day of her life. I wouldn't want to have one teacher randomly teaching me everything from how to use the toilet to how to do math to which three Doctors to invite to a Who-orgy. Would you?

This again leads to that delicate, subtle dance with another human being who needs me but cannot admit this to herself or anyone else. That means crucial life lessons (as well as trivial ones) must be relayed through roundabout means. Sometimes that means filling her life with interesting and amazing people she can learn from. Other times it means teaching without teaching. Have you ever dealt with a co-worker who didn't like taking instruction from anybody because they prefer to pretend they already know everything? There's a trick managers use whereby they kind of pretend that they themselves just discovered the helpful tip. Well, it works with teenagers too!

It seems like a pointless and unnecessary step, but it allows them to take the advice without admitting that's what's going on. Instead of "You're doing this wrong, do it my way," it's "Hey, I recently found a way to do the thing you're doing that may be less likely to burn down the house!" Again, this works against everything we naturally want as human beings -- that is, credit for the great job we're doing.

1

I Have To Accept That My "Special" Traditions Are Boring As Hell

A couple of years ago, millions of young parents had the mortifying experience of taking their kids to see a brand-new Star Wars movie, only to see said kid trying to surreptitiously watch YouTube prank videos on their phone the whole time. "Don't you get it? This isn't just a cool sci-fi movie, this is the film series that raised me! It's special!"

Then, suddenly, those new parents had a flashback to all of the lame, boring stuff their parents dragged them to or made them watch. And no amount of reminding kids of what it's supposed to mean to them is going to change the fact that even though it's a sacred family tradition that the family cuts down a Christmas tree every year, they're still tired, cold, and doing the same old thing they did last year. "I know for a fact that there are easier ways to do this!"

This one really continues across all age ranges, in different forms. Little kids think everything is special. A surprisingly shaped twig? Special. A piece of gum under a park bench? Special. A toad that just peed in your hand when you picked it up? That's a new level of special. Telling that kid that a particular toy is special because it once belonged to Grandma is just a string of nonsense words.

Then, thanks to the mysterious trickster god known as Puberty, suddenly a whole new range of things are "special," and your teenager develops a deep sense of dread and loathing toward anything old or outdated. Tell them a boring activity is REQUIRED because it's SPECIAL to the OLD PEOPLE, and you've only given them a nice horror story they can share with their friends on Monday.

This is when you realize you'll pass along lots of things to your children, including many inheritable diseases, but the warm feeling you get inside when doing something "special" is probably not one of them. You can totally think it's special to go Christmas caroling and then sip non-alcoholic eggnog until you pass out in front of It's A Wonderful Life. No one can take that away from you. But it's the right of every teenager to walk past and roll their eyes so hard that they can see the bottom of their own brain, knowing that when they grow up, they'll be the coolest parents ever.

Mags writes books about dead people and kissing. You can bother her on Twitter. Bring cookies.

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