5 Parental Dick Moves You Hate (Until You're a Parent)
Being a teenager means realizing your parents are dicks. It's not just that they set rules, it's that sometimes the rules are clearly wrong. And instead of discussing things with you like adults, they just shut down and tell you to go to your room. They forbid you from seeing the girl who is the pure love of your life. They overreact to every little thing.
Well, being a parent means finding yourself doing all of that shit, from the other side. Yes, compared to the way I grew up, I like to think of myself as a fairly normal, level headed parent. But I also let my kids get away with a lot more than most, trying to base their privileges around whatever ability they've shown to handle them. I do it, because I remember when I was growing up, the reason behind being told "no" was, "Because I fucking said so. Now get me a beer before I punch your goddamn soul in half."
So as the guy who tries daily to be the cool but responsible parent, here's why your parents pull dick moves like...
#5. Telling You to Shut Up, Rather Than Discussing It
From a Kid Point of View...
My dad was so good at this. We've already established that he was a violent man, so the biggest rule in the house was to never, ever do anything to even remotely affect his mood. That always ended badly. But as teenage biology demands, eventually you rebel, and even the terrifying atmosphere of that house couldn't keep the dam intact when the waters finally rushed in.
Here's one particularly stupid example: All of us in the house were huge Chicago Bulls fans, and my uncle and I were watching a game when my dad chimed in with, "God, I fucking hate Michael Jordan." I asked why and he responded, "Because he's married to a white woman."
Via People.com
I forgot to mention that my dad was a racist. You should also know that he was six feet, five inches tall and weighed around 240 pounds. He got into bar fights once a month, and it was usually against more than one guy. I was two inches shorter and one hundred pounds lighter at the time, and the extent of my fighting was with playground bullies half his size. So it was probably unwise of me to correct him.
"No he's not." All of his attention immediately swung my way. He stuck to his "interracial marriage = bad basketball player" argument, but I didn't let it go. I pressed that her name was Juanita Vanoy, and if she was white, she had one hell of a tan. And then I asked why that would even make a difference. He lost his shit, going off about "unnatural relationships" and using a slew of racial slurs that would make Hitler blush. Finally, he cut me off mid sentence, glared into my eyes and threatened, "Say one more fucking word about it."
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A tumbleweed blew across the living room.
Now that I'm a Parent...
In an effort to be absolutely the polar opposite of my own dad, I had always promised to never do that "shut up because I'm bigger than you" thing. Good parents want to be like Cliff Huxtable, always talking things out on the sofa, working through the logic of every rule, patiently explaining their side in every disagreement. But there are limits. And as a parent, you will find yourself doing the, "And I don't want to hear any more about it!" thing. There are three reasons this comes up, and if you're a teenager reading this, you're going to love the first one...
Some of the time, yes, it's because we have realized that we're wrong and our ego has been bruised. You have to remember that even though we're parents and we're considered authority figures, we're also still human. We have egos just like you do, and we want to win, and to be right. Once we realize that we're on the losing side of an argument, or that we have in fact been unreasonable, the easiest way to back out is to launch the argument nuke that is, "This conversation is over. Go to your room!" Boom. Instant win.
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"NOW YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, OR I WILL SHAVE YOU BALD!"
But don't stop reading there, kids. Because the second reason we do this is that the child is using a tactic that they know often works: Making so much noise, for so long, that we just give in. These are pointless arguments that are designed to never end. No matter what I say, they automatically say the opposite because to them, that's what an argument is. It's not an attempt to bring the other person around via any kind of logic, it's just a test of stamina. And ultimately, the kid has more time and energy than the parent. So for us, it's just a choice between shutting it down, or giving in. And the thing the teenager wants us to give in to is often stupid as hell.
And then there is that third reason, the one you have to be careful of depending on what type of parent you have. Sometimes we cut off the argument because we can feel it escalating into the red zone. No, I'm not talking about gluing shards of glass to my hands and punching my kids like Jean Claude Van-Damme in Kickboxer. I'm saying that for every parent, there is a level of anger that is dangerous -- you'll say something, or do something, or show something that's not good for anybody involved. When the kid gets to be a certain age, it can work the other way, too -- you can see that the argument is winding the kid up to a level where they're not in control any more. In cases like this, the argument nuke is saving you both.
#4. Forbidding Relationships
From a Kid Point of View...
I had just graduated high school, but I was dating someone who was younger than me. She was nine.
Well, no, not really. But she was still in high school and legally underage, and we weren't having sex for that reason. My parents knew about the relationship and it pissed off my father, even though both of us were white. Dad and I had full-blown arguments about it. This is a man who wanted to get me a prostitute for my twelfth birthday because he was clinically fucking insane.
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"Oh, you're so cute, I could just eat you up! For fifty bucks, I'll put my tongue in your ass!"
Anyway, my girlfriend came over to visit one day while my dad and I were outside, working on his car. Which meant I would bring him beer while he yelled "stupid cocksucker" at an engine. When she arrived, he sent me back inside for another beer. When I came back out, she was gone. Which was strange because we were around each other pretty much every day, and we were closer than any relationship I had ever been in at that point in my life. We never left without at least saying goodbye.
It turns out that dad had sent me inside on purpose, and while I was away, he said some pretty brutal things to her -- which to this day, I have no idea what they were. But they were bad enough to have scared her off, and we pretty much never saw each other again. I didn't find out for quite some time, but when I did, I hated him for it.
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He wears a hood to hide his soulless eyes.
Now that I'm a Parent...
Understand that with my father, there is every chance in the world that he did it to be malicious because I'm convinced he was half demon. And the way he handled it was about as mature as a fifteen year old cheerleader calling another girl fat until she cries in front of the whole class... just because. But I believe that there is a part of him that truly worried about what our relationship could mean for me if anyone pressed the age issue. He probably assumed I was lying about the sex thing, and that's not an unreasonable thing to assume about an 18 year-old male.
And that's the thing. Every teenager thinks that any kind of parental disapproval instantly means their romance is goddamned Romeo and Juliet, a forbidden love too pure for the world to understand. It's easy to sit back and view the parent as a black-hearted, bitter shell of a person, jealous of what you have (the "You've never felt a love like this!" situation). And trust me, no parent enjoys having to intervene and put a stop to a relationship. You don't do it unless you're really, really worried about it.
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"No, you're not going out with a guy who legally changed his name to 'Buttfuck McCoy.'"
And sometimes we have reasons to worry. It's easy for a kid to forget that, yes, Dad has dated his share of ladies. Including crazy ladies. Dad has also known many a douchebag male, and can see their type coming a mile away. Dad can spot a meth addict at a glance.
And no, you can't always just let them learn from experience. Obviously I'm not going to hand-pick a girl for my son and arrange a marriage against his will -- if he winds up with a girl or guy or transsexual who I don't personally like, but who makes him happy, so be it. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the kind of relationship that can ruin a person's life. The addict, who wants company in their addiction. The manipulator. And yes, I may some day have a conversation with my daughter about The Creepy Guy Who is Too Old For You.
And they'll hate me for it. Because I've been down those destructive roads, and they haven't, they don't have any context for what I'm saying. Tell them that the butterflies in their stomach shouldn't trump the fact that the object of their love is a meth dealer, and they'll simply interpret that as, "Dad doesn't believe in love." They won't truly get it for years. Most likely until they're parents themselves. But more on that in a moment.
#3. Punishments Way Too Severe for the Offense
From a Kid Point of View...
My parents never cared if I drank. Being alcoholics and drug addicts themselves, maybe they thought they'd be hypocrites if they stopped me. Or maybe they just didn't see anything wrong with it. Regardless of their reasons, one school night when I was fifteen, I decided to go out. Mom didn't see much harm in me replacing my dinner with vodka and Keystone, but I had to be back home before 2am. You know... responsibility and all. The night went exactly as you'd expect, and I walked through the door around 4am.
Bypassing my mother's road map eyes, I sprinted to the bathroom and threw up so much, I was pretty sure whatever I had been drinking was alive and reproducing like liquid Gremlins in my stomach. She followed me to the bathroom and slurred out a verbal smackdown as I calculated the monetary value of the booze that was filling our toilet.
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We call this an "Illinois shotglass."
"...and all I ask is that you get your ass home when I tell you to. Well, you can kiss your partying goodbye for the next two weeks because you're fucking grounded!"
"Grounded? How can you tell me I'm grounded when you blarrrrrgghhhlllbbllgll!"
She stormed out of the room and left me to my misery. But the next two weeks were filled with nonstop fighting. I made all the points a normal, rebellious teenager would make. She drank, so why shouldn't I be able to? She stayed out late, why shouldn't I? I mean, I was younger and could actually handle the hangover and lack of sleep better than she could. How could she possibly give me shit about coming home two hours late when there were times we didn't see her for twenty-four hours solid?
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Our mom was studying to be Courtney Love.
Now that I'm a Parent...
OK, if you're a kid, I'm hoping your example of "Mom is being unreasonable!" is more along the lines of her grounding you for a month for catching you with a single beer at age 17, or for being a half hour late for curfew even though you totally had a good reason. The point is, every kid has a time where it seems like Mom and Dad just threw out a punishment for the hell of it. Well, here's why they do it:
Fear.
Fear, that we're not doing enough to teach our kids, fear that they're going to stop listening to us, and mess up their lives in some unfixable way. Remember, parents are trainers. Our job isn't to just keep you alive until you're legally allowed to get the fuck out of our house. It's to pass along as much knowledge as possible to ensure that you have every fighting chance of being successful when you're on your own. And this is all done under an extremely tight deadline. We're cramming 30-plus years of our own experiences and lessons into a tiny decade-long window between the age when you're actually old enough to listen, and when you're old enough to shut us out.
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"Shit, two minutes! Quick -- learn finances!"
So to a parent, the clock is always ticking -- faster and faster every time you have a birthday. Our job is to make sure that we leave as little as possible for you to learn by trial and error, because the error isn't always something you can recover from (for instance, drinking and driving). So an out-of-the-blue punishment that seems way out of proportion to the crime is often due to that fear, that we're not getting through. If it gets to where the kid just factors in the punishments as part of the price of having fun, then we've failed.
So when you do something wrong, it isn't a case of us using the punishment as a weapon. Yes, we may be mad when we hand that punishment out, but that's not why we do it (hopefully). We do it out of sheer panic. Even if the grounding is because you refused to listen to us, the lesson isn't so much, "You'll pay for your insolence," as it is, "We don't have time for this. You have to learn that there are consequences for disobeying me because all of the other lessons you'll learn from me require that you listen."
God, is the "you'll understand when you're older" thing ever true. There are so many things I didn't get as a kid that I look back on now and go, "How could I have been that damn stupid?"
ReplyThe describing color to a blind person is a great analogy, though, and I might have to use it on my own kids. If I ever want to have any, that is.
The only time I thought my parents were dicks was when my dad didn't let me watch cartoons anymore. He thought they would f**k up my mind, unrealistic expectations or some s**t (I'd still watch them behind his back due to boredom, or maybe Animal Planet instead). And I never really got mad at the "You'll understand when you'll get older" thing, but always believed it. For some reason I wasn't a very emotional kid so I never really invested myself in such feelings.
ReplyEnded up becoming a smug bastard because I'd think less of those of the same age who would believe they'd never marry/procreate etc., thinking stuff like "the f**k would you know that?" (maybe without the "fuck" part).
John's right about that, but in my case it was the opposite - I went through my Teens saying "I can't WAIT to have kids! Having kids will be freaking awesom! It'll be like little clones of ME running around!"" Then I moved in with my dad and had to take care of my ten-year-old brother and five-year-old sister. I CAN NEVER TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY. I care about whether or not kids get screwed up, and for that reason I don't want to have kids. Interesting parallel - don't you think?
ReplyWhen I was a teenager, I wanted six kids. After my second was born, I had my tubes tied. My mother's response: "I told you so!".
If it's not too personal for you, can you tell us what your father said to your girlfriend at the time? Did you ever see her again? It sounds to me like your father should have never done that and had no good reason to. What was his reasoning for being a dick to your girlfriend?
ReplyI love how you put things! Your articles truly make sense to me. You are my favorite Cracked writer!
Replyanybody else think the 'if he winds up with a girl or guy or transsexual who I don't personally like, but who makes him happy, so be it' bit was awesome Nice to see understanding parents.
ReplyGreat article.
The sentiment is nice, but the wording is fucked up. Trans people are also men and women, no need to point out that our junk is different than most men's/women's.
This is in reply to lowspark13, He mentions trans specifically to say he'd be ok with one of his sons dating someone who's body does not agree with their brain.
It's not the wording, it's that certain people automatically assume that being exact in what you think you're open to, or what you identify as and saying trans means you're separating out a different subset. When really it only means that you're being clearer.
And I thought my dad laughing at me and being a sarcastic git was bad enough. I sit corrected Lord Cheese.
Replyheh. This is why I'm glad I'M the 6'3" 270lb monster in these situations. My father, however, is pretty much the same, though I've never had much conflict with him. I don't so much fear him, as I simply wouldn't want either of us to end up how we would if it ever came to a clash of the titans. I can't apply the "you don't stand a chance" rule like I do to the skinny little 5 footers who jump up and down like they're some kind of ninja to make up for their complete lack of stature and strength and talk like they're 100 ft tall. I usually calmly inform them of what a gigantic mistake they are trying to make by angering a completely sedentary bear as it's trying to enjoy its nap, and so far no one has tried to climb the mountain. Of course, fighting is illegal, and pussies always carry guns, and even lazy bad asses would shoot you sooner than fight, so this really only serves to make me feel like I should be getting laid, and that the fact that I'm not is simply the result of some injustice in the world.
Replyf*****g troll.
...the f**k did that have to do with anything?
One of the best articles you have ever written! thanks!!!
ReplyAs a parent, I still don't do any of those things...
ReplyWait till they hit puberty.
Your dad sounds like a jerk...
ReplyPoor guy, rough childhood eh?
ReplyOnce again, Mr. Cheese, this is brilliant.
ReplyBut I am now more scared than ever to have kids. I'm 19 and I understand all the above and completely agree. I use the "you'll understand when you're older" line with my little sister and brother even though I'm only a few years ahead. It's gonna be a tough ride when the (hopefully) time comes.
I just realized how hard it is to raise a child on your own. It really is a two-person job. And I can see how having family around helps out a a lot.
Might I ask, where did the 'raise a kid on your own' come from? Honestly, because for a second it sounded like you were referring to yourself in which case: f****n keep up the good work man!
In honor of Mark Twain's 176th birthday, I shall use one of his quotes to sum up this entire article: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
Replyso true. I'm 20 and just hitting that stage.
but my parents were still dicks....
sometimes i worry that if my parents die in a horrible accident, i'll end up homeless and starving due to my own incompetence - and i'm 26!
ReplyAccording to this, I was not a difficult child to handle at all. (Chores though. F-ing chores. Parents that read this - if you ask your kid to do something, and then complain or correct about how its done, you need to be kicked in the nards hard enough that you can have no more babies. Anything that comes off as nagging is only going to discourage them from ever trying chores again)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI haven't heard most of this before, I guess because I avoided other kids and was really calculating and self-governing.
Don't worry, you'll understand when you're older.
Oh sure, the old "fuck up the chore so they never make you do it again" trick. I used that to get out of doing the lawn when I was a teenager. It's closely related to "do a half-assed, s****y job and then go play on Xbox so your mom will do it for you." Your parents were smarter than mine, because they didn't fall for that and made you do it right.
MsGrue For my case, screw a s****y job and you get to do it again. While cleaning your own mess
I'd agree with everything cept the last one. I decided as a fifteen year old that I didn't want kids... I'm now a thirty two year old woman, and I still don't want a crotch fruit. Not all adults want to spawn; it's just as natural to be childfree.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI was the same at 32 - I stopped listening to myself when my bio clock got too loud. Now I have a 4 year old at the age 41. Hmm...stick to the 'no babies' PripyatHorse - kids ruin your fun and freedom :)
Hmm. I said the same at 32 but then my bio clock got to loud for my brain and I now have a 4 year old at the age 41. HAHA! Stick to your guns, P-Horse, kids ruin your fun and freedom but are a great excuse for infantile behaviour! :))
No kids for me- ever. When I was younger it was never a consideration. I'm not sure if it was an expectation either. I mean, subliminally, I suppose it was there. But I never thought about kids, never had any desire for kids, and when I was old enough to have them I certainly didn't want them. I'm old enough now to be past any biological arguments and definitely do not want children and never will have any. Hell, I'm not even getting married. But, for the average person this article was spot on. I know a lot of 15 year olds who already have baby making and children planned. Not just planned but a desire for it someday. They have something I never did. I'm just strange I guess.
That's fine and dandy, but biologically speaking, it's not natural at all.
I used to want the bratlings, when I was a kid. Now that I'm 30, I realise a couple things - I'd be a terrible parent, kids annoy the crap out of me any time they open their mouth, and I'm clearly meant to be childfree.
@TinCanHitman
and this accounts for those who are sterile, or sexually attracted to someone for a relationship that will never bear children . . . how?
I never wanted kids as a kid and was never getting married- so said the 17 y/o me.
I got married at 21, have an amazing marriage nearly 8 years later (and everyone said we were too young, HA!) and have been desperately trying to conceive for two years. Clearly teenage me didnt have an effing clue what i actually wanted.
It's one of those things you understand when you're older
I think the biological dude was talking about evolutionarily we're supposed to have kids when he responded 'not natual' since we're all supposed to be "animals slaving to pass on our genes" and that's the only biological imperative or something. Surprise there are plenty of gays (male and female) that want children, thru surrogates artificial insemenation the BIOLOGY is met and via adoption you still get a chile that is YOURS-so the biological instinct works just fine there. So his statements tis a bit off
Or he's a moron. Either explanation works!
As an adult I can honestly say i completely agree with most of what you said here. I am at that interesting adult age of late 20s in which i still clearly remember not only being a teen but also how I thought as a teen, yet have experienced life lessons that have made me realize....I should have listened to my parents.
ReplyThey were not by any means even close to perfect, but my life could have been much easier up to this point if I had the ability to learn from what they said, instead of having to have some of those experiences for myself.
I am not a parent, but I have a lot of nieces and nephews. One if which is 16. Sometimes his behavior is astounding, but i remember being a teen and doing tons of stupid things. I will probably continue to do different stupid things that my parents warn me about through out my life, because they will ALWAYS have more life experience than me.
I have a problem with number 1. It teaches kids not to think and to do what they're told due to fear. They grow up not thinking for themselves, listening to any frightening peer pressure, are taught not to complain or question anything authority figures do. The explanation is that you're tired of our kid thinking, wondering if something is dangerous, trying to have a civil discussion, or you're feelings are hurt and that you use being a parent to win every argument.
ReplyWhen kids are teens and want to rebel, even for stupid reasons, you've handed them your weaknesses which are utterly retarded: noise, not talking to you, questioning everything possible, etc.
Number one as in the first thing on the list, or the actual #1 answer of "you will understand when you are older."?
"It teaches kids not to think and to do what they're told due to fear."
You're looking at it from a child's perspective.
That's just what the child THINKS the parent is TRYING to do, but the child will, like every other child, rebel. The child will think "No! I'm smarter than you! I'm smarter than the system! I will not give in to your fear!" even though the parent is not trying to invoke fear, but just trying to help them. Fortunately, like John Cheese and every other adult at some point says....they'll understand when they're older.
My mom explained #2 to me. Unbelievably, I don't find #1 annoying. I think the worst thing is "Do as I say, not as I do." And that leads into the "Shut up and go to your room" conversation.
Reply