You grab the ship's joystick, and even though you just barely know how to fly a minijet, you're still able to steer the hulking air-monster away from the Navy aircraft carrier. For a fleeting second you hope that maybe this will convince the soldiers to stop firing at you, but sadly, that is not your fate: They mean to bring you down. Your only hope is escape. Grabbing the nearest parachute, you make to leave the cockpit, but a soft groaning stops you at the doorway.
Terrordoom is still alive. Goddammit. The man may be a monster, but searching your heart, you know that the same just isn't true of you. You can't leave a man behind. You know he has to face justice.
You hurriedly strap your parachute to your back before grabbing your (former, probably) boss and throwing him over your shoulder. As the plane begins to fall apart around you, shredded by more .50 caliber rounds than any man could count, you dash toward the nearest escape hatch and throw both yourself and the unconscious megalomaniac out into the bright blue sky.
Disclaimer: This is a reenactment, not an actual image of the event.
Sadly, the moment you tug the ripcord on your parachute, you realize your mistake: There's no way in hell you can support a man's full weight during that kind of shock. As your parachute blots out the sky above you, Terrordoom is ripped from your arms and tumbles helplessly to the sea below you. Super freaking dead. It's the most horrifying thing you've ever seen, and you're probably going to want to talk your feelings out with your friends.
However, that may not be the best idea, depending on your approach: While a lot of people do benefit from talking out their problems, others don't. See, "talking about your concerns" isn't the only step toward healing; you also need distance and perspective, and dwelling on your experience by reliving it over and over again actually gets in the way of that. Unsurprisingly, this is particularly common among high-school girls, who engage in a behavior called "co-rumination": They express concern when Raphael doesn't text them back, and then keep re-expressing that concern until that missing message seems like a way bigger issue than it actually is (Raphael thought he was playing it cool by not replying quickly -- he didn't realize how crude that tactic is).
Which is why, when the CIA interrogation agents show up and question you about your involvement in the Anchorage Incident, you keep your goddamn mouth shut about everything you saw, heard, or did. Just insist that you can't. What with the way the justice system works these days, in two weeks, you'll be scot-free.
Between you and me, kid, Terrordoom was just a pawn in a game so complex it makes chess look like Hungry Hungry Hippos. We expected this incident -- what we didn't expect was your frankly standout performance. So, we're offering you ... an opportunity. Just do exactly as I told you, and maybe a couple strings get pulled, and you're back in the real world in no time. Hell, something tells me there may just be a job waiting for you.
So congratulations. Oh -- and welcome to The Company.
JF Sargent's cover is that he's an editor and columnist for the popular comedy website Cracked.com. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Sarge, check out 5 Insane Lies You Probably Believe About American Families and Why Ultron Is A Secret Criticism Of Marvel Movies.
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