That's a bit unfair -- all the Indiana Jones parts of Crystal Skull were pretty good. But his presence didn't make that a great film. Which is what a lot of people seem to be hoping the Millennium Falcon does for The Force Awakens.
The Fans, Oh God, The Fans
First, you just know some motherfuckers are going to cheer in the theater when the Millennium Falcon comes on the screen, or Luke Skywalker steps out of the shadows, and you'll miss a couple lines of dialog. Did he finally make it to Tosche Station? We'll never know.
"Hush! I'm trying to take notes here."
Look. I like Star Wars. I've seen the movies and read the books (including a lot of the bad ones), and played the video games, and gotten way too deep into the lore. I know why the parsecs line makes perfect sense. And for all their flaws, I don't think I've thought more about any set of movies than I have about the prequels.
Largely because of their flaws, actually.
But I'm not a "Star Wars Fan," which is effectively a proper noun now. I'm not taking my lightsaber to opening night, or even attending opening night. I'm looking forward to seeing The Force Awakens, but I am so cautious about it that it staggers me to see how excited people are getting. Are you letting your emotion blind you, you path-to-the-Dark-Side-walking morons?
None of these people, aside from perhaps the baby, are acting rationally.
The same thing happened with The Phantom Menace. It took a few months for everyone to settle down enough to realize what a fly-strewn turd that movie was and have coherent conversations about it. I'm worried we're going to have the same thing happen again, which sucks, because talking about these movies is where all the fun is.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and sometimes not that fun to be around. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Don't set your expectations too high. After all, the only way the original trilogy was good to begin with was dumb luck. See how the iconic trench in the Death Star was purely a result of bad model-making in 5 Dumb Accidents That Made 'Star Wars' A Classic, and imagine how bad it could have been had Christopher Walken played Han Solo (which almost happened), as revealed in 5 Actors You'll Never Believe Were Almost In 'Star Wars.'
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