5

It's The Lowest-Stakes Drama Imaginable

Entertainment, they keep telling us, requires drama, and drama requires stakes. The heroes must be fighting for their lives, or freedom, or true love. But in an era in which the news says utter societal collapse is always 30 seconds away, you know what's a breath of fresh air? A bunch of people quietly risking nothing. That is the beauty of cooking shows.

And I'm not talking about the dramatic competition shows that turn up on American TV, or anything that involves Gordon Ramsay debasing grown adults like he's running a Victorian orphanage. I'm talking about the ones in which when you win, the prize is knowing you made the best ham. The Great British Baking Show (or Bake Off) is the standard for this right now.

4

There's The Illusion Of Learning And Value

It's almost like you're learning something watching a cooking show, but you're really not. It's like when you used to get really drunk before geography class and spent most of it singing Wilson Phillips songs in your head when you were supposed to be learning whatever the hell the capital of Wyoming is. Is it Cashew? Wyomingtown? I ain't Googling it.

Maybe a cooking show inspires your dinner tomorrow, but you'd still need to look up a recipe. The reality is that you're watching a demonstration of a skill you probably don't have, and probably won't learn by watching it. There's the feeling like you've made yourself smarter, but without the part where you actually have to memorize or practice anything.

3

The Best Cooking Shows Have No Lies, Machinations, Or Backstabbing

Most TV shows, be they scripted dramas, sitcoms, or reality shows, are about people being awful to each other. They're comforting in the sense that at the end of the average episode of Law & Order: This One Is Entirely About Gruesome Sex Crimes, the rapist goes to jail and order is restored. But you'll also see plenty of "ripped from the headlines" plots and reminders that the real world is awful and terrifying. Even cartoons will throw in the occasional episode that's an allegory for economic inequality or environmental ruin.

2

It's Scientifically Proven Stress Reduction

This is the point in most of my articles where people become sure I'm blowing smoke up their ass or assorted other orifices. But look! I didn't make this stuff up at all. The idea that The Great British Baking Show is effective stress relief has a lot of support out in literature. Alton Brown, Food Network wizard, also points out that 9/11 had a massive effect on the Food Network's ratings. A tragedy caused people to move en masse toward shows about food. In all times and places, food equals comfort.

There's a reason we give sick people chicken soup. There's a reason eating a pint of ice cream when you're depressed is so popular that it's become a cliche. Food is the most basic of joys, primal simplicity you can't replicate with anything else. Food makes you feel warm and alive, literally and figuratively. Who hasn't had that experience of feeling comforted and loved by a meal made by grandma or a free bag of alley donuts?

1

It's About Spending Time With Talented, Inoffensive Human Beings

Casting is everything when it comes to a life-affirming cooking show. The hosts don't have to be sexy, or funny, or clever; they just have to make you feel at ease. The most popular Food Network show after 9/11, the one that dragged the channel out of the toilet, was 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray. Have you ever tried to watch that show? She says shit like "yummo" while somehow being an adult, and staunchly refuses to call olive oil by its actual name, opting instead for "evoo" like some kind of culinary dorkbot. And by god, people loved it.

Rachael Ray is like one of those flappy-arm inflatable tube guys outside of a used car dealership pumped full of wholesome culinary knowledge. That may sound like an insult, but it's not. Well, not totally. She doesn't challenge or demean anyone, and she's vibrant and active. When people across the land were terrified of what might come next, Ray was a beacon of hope because she made dinners in under 30 minutes that never once ended in any deaths. That's insane and delightful at the same time.

Cooking is love, goes the old cliche. If so, cooking shows are like a handjob for your soul. They make you feel like everything is alright, at least for a while. And that ain't bad.

For more, check out Cooking With Babel Fish: Pig Boiling Radish And Egg Entering:

Follow us on Twitter. Nom nom nom.