5 Disastrous Ways People Tried to Make Porn a Reality

Since a real-world plumber's professional involvement with bodily fluids is considerably less sexy than triple-X movies would have us believe, I suspect they generally treat their porn cred with a sarcastic "Yeah, right" while wrestling the giant turd that you flushed down last January and which has now returned for vengeance. However, their customers don't always agree. Take the sad, sad story of this French lady who invited a pair of plumbers over to fix her radiators. Or rather, you know, "fix" her "radiators."

She wholeheartedly attempted to fuck both of them, is what I'm saying.

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"Ma'am, you want us to do what with this?"

After the middle-aged housewife's rampant, drunken butt-grabbery and graphic suggestions amazingly failed to allure French Mario and Luigi into helping a dame in distress, she grew agitated and started smacking them around enough to make them flee in terror. When the pair called the police (because that's what happens when you get your work interrupted by an aggressive sex fiend in real life) and a pair of cops arrived to the scene to retrieve the plumbers' things with the building's superintendent, the lady promptly attacked them, too.

Our heroine was swiftly arrested and strapped with 12 months in jail. However, since she said she was sorry and had only done it because she was drunk, the sentence was lifted. Moral of the story: France is either totally cool with porn-themed assault as long as you're drunk enough while committing it, or they remembered that the "female prisoner" porn trope exists, and were determined to keep the woman as far from it as humanly possible.

Maybe that's why the pizza guy delivering a pie with "extra sausage" is arguably the porn trope to end all porn tropes. Because of the absurd nature of the job, the more ... genitally involved events that delivery folks sometimes encounter also tend to be on the "what in the actual shit?" side of the sliding scale. For instance, having their delivery run being interrupted by the doorbell getting answered by a porn star (link mildly NSFW) who attempts to seduce him in an awkward, in-no-way-staged manner while secretly filming the whole thing for all of the Internet to see. That's ... not the kind of work hazard your guidance counselor warns you about.

And Cthulhu forbid if you're a woman working in food delivery, because that shit can get truly terrifying.

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Pictured: a person that is not paid to listen to your witty double entendres about being "stacked."

Consider the story of a Seattleite pizza delivery girl who was making a routine delivery when she encountered a customer who liberally groped and attempted to assault her. She managed to talk her way out of the situation and went to the police. In a move straight out of a lazily written cop show, the police and the delivery lady devised a trap to catch the perpetrator: The girl returned to the attacker's door with some officers and, in a move that practically screamed "I brought me some cops, yo," announced that she had returned for him.

The dude immediately suspected foul play, but opened the door anyway, presumably because PornHub never taught him that this particular scenario could ever lead to anything other than copious blowjobs. His face was apparently something to behold when not only were actual cops waiting behind the door, but they weren't hot busty ones in skimpy uniforms.

Here's the story of a 35-year-old teacher who stands accused of having a very classic love affair -- complete with tacky love notes and everything -- with her 16-year-old student for 10 months, continuing it even after they were inevitably found out and the teacher was asked to resign. From the kid's point of view, this was probably a teenage boy's dream come true. The authorities that had to investigate their antics after a colleague found a love note the teacher had written to the kid in the school's printer were considerably less amused. On a related note: If your idea of keeping a forbidden affair secret is to print out proof of it in the printer literally everyone you don't want to find out about said affair regularly uses, you kind of suck at keeping secrets.

And then there's the case of the 23-year-old San Antonio teacher who was caught red-handed straddling her 15-year-old student when a police officer investigated a parked car with suspiciously fogged-up windows. Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, another teacher is facing allegations of sexting with her student. In Ohio, we have a 30-year-old teacher allegedly bonin' a minor and charged with sexual battery, which you can bet will eventually wind up referenced in some porn flick with a cheesy "sexual dynamo"-themed line.

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And yes, male teachers totally get in on the action, too.

Those are all just recent examples from early 2015, by the way. Bad news for horny teenagers, though: There are 3.7 million teachers out there, so the statistical chances of you actually encountering one that is willing to MILF your socks off is roughly on par with Scarlett Johansson and Kate Upton staging a lingerie mud wrestling match in your living room. Still, it is kind of strange that these incidents happen at all, considering that the scenario always, always seems to play out the exact same way:

1) A teacher clumsily fools around with a student.

2) The teacher is found out because they make a mistake and/or the student can't shut up about the affair.

3) The teacher is fired or forced to resign, and charged with some of the many career-and-life-ruining felonies with the words "sexual" and "minor" in them.

Seriously, if you click any of those links, they all tell the same story. You'd think that even the horniest of teachers would be motivated to keep their clothes on, with that track record. Then again, brains and boning aren't always on speaking terms, as evidenced by ...

One of the less savory porn stock characters is the criminal: A robber and/or burglar who generally enters a building in the dead of night. Depending on the scene and the gender of the criminal, the occupant of the premises will either subdue them or be fast asleep when they find them, and if I have to tell you what happens next, we're all just lying to ourselves. It's rapey at best and absurdly freaking rapey at worst, and you'd think that the only way that scenario is going to play out in real life has no business on a comedy site. And you'd be right -- sort of.

Because if the robber tries that shit in Russia, all bets are off.

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"Someone hasn't been memorizing their Yakov Smirnoff."

One aspiring criminal in Meshchovsk, Russia, found out that bringing porn movie scenarios over to real life sucks when he allegedly attempted to rob a local beauty salon owner for some pocket money. Sadly for him, the owner of the store -- an attractive blonde, because of course -- proved to be a pretty proficient martial artist. She promptly kicked his ass, dragged him to the back of the store, and tied him to a battery with a hairdryer cord.

Naked.

Then she force-fed him Viagra for three days and used him as a sex slave, to "teach him a lesson."

According to the story, the dude was eventually released, and had to immediately search for medical attention due to testicular damage. He told the police of his ordeal and got both himself and the salon owner arrested in the process.

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"Mind if I keep the handcuffs?"

I'm liberally sprinkling words like "according to" and "allegedly" into the story, because frankly, even for a country that is scientifically incapable of giving a single fuck, there's a whole lot here that sounds like one of those bullshit stories the media likes to run with every once in a while. Still, even with a giant grain of salt, the story serves to make a point: Regardless of your gender, there is not a single scenario where rape is fun. So all possibly fictional karate hairdressers out there: If you absolutely, positively have to bring a porn scene into real life, maybe just role play with a willing partner instead of unleashing your drives unto whatever criminals you submit via martial arts kickassery? I mean, just imagine the amount of muggings you'll have to deal with once the word gets out.

These days. (Probably.)

Not only is this particular porn plot firmly rooted in reality, but it actually existed well before nun porn as you know it did.

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The original gangster.

Back before people started tentatively talking about things like "equality" and "minority rights," getting a) a position of influence and b) laid was virtually impossible for a lady who was interested in other ladies. At least some enterprising women noticed that taking vows and hitting the convent could provide a route for both, which is how hot lesbian nuns became a thing centuries before the first erotic photo models clumsily attempted to make wearing a habit sexy.

In the early 17th century, an influential nun named Sister Benedetta Carlini tore through Renaissance Italy, drawing power from divine visions that she claimed to frequently receive, and also from the passionate love affair she was enjoying with a fellow member of her convent. Surprisingly, the whole lesbian thing played little part in bringing Benedetta down. Her lust for power eventually reached terminal velocity, and she attempted to essentially declare herself the Empress of All Nuns by arranging a grand marriage ceremony between her and Jesus (who was known to "possess" her) and delivering an "everyone but Benedetta sucks" speech with "his" mouth. Shockingly, the Church was not amused, and after a brief investigation, Benedetta was quietly relocated to a cool studio apartment.

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Cool and draughty!

Sister Benedetta was not the only nun to indulge in sapphic dalliance, nor was she the most blatant. That honor arguably goes to Sister Maria Luisa, an influential nun in the Roman convent of Sant'Ambrogio in the mid-19th century. Maria Luisa, a beautiful young woman, rapidly rose through the ranks of the convent, thanks to her shining personality and determination. Like Benedetta, she claimed to receive visions, which further reaffirmed her status within the community. She soon ended up running a small, quasi-heretical cult of personality centered around the founder of the convent, which she soon further repurposed to serve the function of sexin'. She spent her days getting novice nuns to sleep with her and occasionally performing exorcisms (presumably of a wink-and-nudge kind) on troubled gentlemen.

Unfortunately for Maria Luisa, her presumably pretty cozy existence was eventually interrupted by a fellow nun: a particularly devout princess of the Hohenzollern line of royalty, who had entered the convent to soak in religion in peace and quiet. As such, she wasn't happy to find herself in the middle of the Castle Anthrax scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. She objected to Maria Luisa's behavior and decided to bring it to the Church's attention. After at least one alleged poisoning attempt (Maria Luisa wasn't messing around, princess), an investigation brought the whole operation down.

And that, dear readers, is why you never invite German royalty to the party.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked freelance editor and weekly columnist. Join his gang on Facebook and Twitter.

For more from Pauli, check out 5 Insane Ways to Abuse Your Body to Greatness (Tested) and 5 Real-Life Versions of Marvel's Avengers.

Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.