Gladstone
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"Dinner and a movie" have been a dating standard for as long as there have been men interested in having sex without having to spend hours talking to their date first. But how to make the transition from passively enjoying entertainment next to your companion, to actively enjoying entertainment inside her?
This question has plagued sensitive young men for years. And sometimes, it's just a few simple words that separate post-celluloid sex from rejection. How many times have you shelled out $20 at the local cinema (or wasted precious minutes downloading black market movies to your laptop) only to be told by your date that she doesn't see you that way or she wants to wait or that something about sitting next to you for two hours has suddenly turned her off to men?
Well, never again. Watch and learn as I shepherd you through the right and wrong moves for your movie dates. To help illustrate, I have selected five titles and present them now in order of difficulty. Please be advised that I haven't seen any of these films since their release so I might be a little sketchy on details, but these tried and true courting techniques remain accurate nonetheless.
Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out a lot and wear bikinis in and out of pools. Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon might be in this movie too. And I know Bill Murray is in there somewhere for some reason.
Level of Difficulty: 2
OK, right off the bat you're in good shape. The film is dripping with sex and that helps set the mood. Best of all, it doesn't have a Brad Pitt or Leonardo Dicaprio in it, so there's no fear your date is going to turn to you when the lights come on and wonder why her life has gone so horribly wrong. The challenge here is mostly not to mess it up. She's already thinking fun time faux-lesbian thoughts after all that softcore porn. Primed and ready to go.
Turning to your date and saying, "Hey, baby. I have an idea. You be Neve Campbell and I'll be Denise Richards." This is an understandable mistake, but wrong. First of all, be a gentleman. Make your date the hot one. But actually that's not such a good idea either. Because outside of a three month period in 1998, no one has ever spent much time fantasizing about Neve Campbell. You don't want to be her.
Turn to your date slowly, smolder a bit, point to her breasts and/or your junk and say, "Well, how 'bout it? Y'know?"
Although seemingly crass, the point here is to let the movie do the work for you. She just saw two hours of sanitized girly sex. And her only hetero release was Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon. You can do this!
70s porn star Dirk Diggler has a penis that's even longer than this movie. Also, like the movie, it works really well in the beginning, gets a little lost later on and then ends strong.
Level of Difficulty: 4
This one is more challenging. Your date has just spent over two hours of hearing about a massive wonder penis that all the ladies (and some of the dudes) love. Yes, it was attached to Mark Wahlberg, but this movie may have gotten your lady ready for the kind of sex you can't deliver.
"Hey, baby, you think that's something? You should see what I got." Unless you actually do have a comically oversized circus penis that is larger than Marky Mark's prosthetically-enhanced schlong, this is the probably the worst thing you could possibly say. It's all about managing expectations. Let's say your line works. What are you gonna say five seconds later when your pants come down and she looks more disappointed than the audience in PT Anderson's follow up film, Magnolia, when those frogs fell from the sky for no reason. Also, if you really are that big, you probably don't want to attempt sex unless your date has a reinforced steel diaphragm to prevent the impaling of internal organs.
The Right Approach:
"Yeah, I heard that wasn't real. Marky Mark isn't that big. Also I have better skin. Boy your eyes are pretty."
The ghost of Patrick Swayze finds a way to contact his widow Demi Moore so they can bang one last time, albeit via Whoopi Goldberg lesbian sex.
You might be surprised by that level of difficulty rating. After all, Patrick Swayze's walking around without a shirt and it's a touching love story, so it's sure to put your date in the mood. But there are subtle pitfalls that can trip up a less experienced man. For one, the final image in your date's mind will be Whoopi Goldberg strapping on for Demi Moore. A fine closer for a movie, but not the best entry point into your date's pants. There's a bigger problem though. This is a love story. And the underlying plot line concerns Swayze's inability to say "I love you," to Demi Moore. Suffice to say, if you pick this moment to say "I love you," to your date, that could conceivably lead to some heartfelt loving. Having said that, if you don't love your date and you're saying it solely to get into her pants, then you're even sleazier than I am -- and I'm trying super hard to be sleazy here. Also, if this is your first date, saying, "I love you" is incredibly creepy.
Given the problems referenced above, you might be tempted to just try something cute. Something like saying, "Hey, I have a spinning wheel. Want to sculpt some clay?" Or maybe dropping your pants, pointing to your junk and saying, "Hey wanna sculpt some, um, clay?" There is a problem with this approach, however. It is retarded.
The Right Approach:
Dim the lights. Put on the movie's theme song, "Unchained Melody," and offer your date a deep-tissue massage from behind. This way, she can more easily imagine Patrick Swayze in his prime instead of your ugly ass. That might hurt your pride. It might create a void in your soul, yearning to be desired for the man you are. But you won't think about these things until at least two or even three minutes after your orgasm. And that's what matters. Also, unlike Swayze, you're still alive. Who's the loser now? Well, you still are because he seemed like a really nice guy, and he sure was an attractive fellow, but tomorrow's another day!
Marlin, an overprotective father fish, loses his boy Nemo and learns an important lesson about letting go with the help of a brain-damaged blue fish named Dory.
Level of Difficulty: 7
Nothing about this movie is putting your date off sex, but nothing about it is getting her hot either. How do you play it?
"Hey, let's say we turn out the lights and you can find Nemo?"
Cute, but no. Unless your date is the granddaughter of Henny Youngman, lines like this will not get you laid.
The Right Approach:
There are no magic words that will transform this Pixar experience into sex. Could be worse. Could have been Cars, in which case your only sexual option would have been procreating with your date's ocular cavity after she stabbed out her eyes. But still, this is no small task. Your only hope is that your date has Daddy issues. Fortunately for you, as a wise man once said: "Women either have Daddy issues or a cock." So unless you met your date on craigslist, the odds are in your favor! Let the credits roll, then say something like, "Man, it would be great to have a Dad like that." Then ... actually, that should probably be enough.
A mad German physician stitches three people together mouth to anus while Satan waits in hell for the even more perverse torture awaiting writer/director Tom Six.
Level of Difficulty: 9
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is a hard sell. Unless your date has a scatological fetish, its gonna be hard to turn her thoughts to sex.
"Hey, that movie just gave me a great idea. 69!"
Seriously? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that? Are you trying to make sure your date is thinking about feces-based surgical torture during sex?
The Right Approach:
See, what you need here is a full palate cleanser. Turn on all the lights. Lock all the doors. Put on some John Mayer music and spend the next hour looking at pictures of puppies and rainbows. Yes, this is a lot of work, but you're the jackass trying to get laid after watching Human Centipede. When your date finally stops crying and shaking, gently hold her hand and say something like, "Shhh, baby doll. Don't worry. God as my witness, I will never let you see another Tom Six movie again." She'll be so grateful, sex will be a given.
Note: This approach will not work if you're Tom Six. Not just because you're Tom Six. But mostly because post-movie sex will be impossible for you as you've no doubt already blown your load masturbating to your own work for the preceding two hours.
Gladstone is Cracked.com's Senior Resident Warlock. Follow him on Twitter. And then there's this. He has a website too.
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