Level of Difficulty: 5
You might be surprised by that level of difficulty rating. After all, Patrick Swayze's walking around without a shirt and it's a touching love story, so it's sure to put your date in the mood. But there are subtle pitfalls that can trip up a less experienced man. For one, the final image in your date's mind will be Whoopi Goldberg strapping on for Demi Moore. A fine closer for a movie, but not the best entry point into your date's pants. There's a bigger problem though. This is a love story. And the underlying plot line concerns Swayze's inability to say "I love you," to Demi Moore. Suffice to say, if you pick this moment to say "I love you," to your date, that could conceivably lead to some heartfelt loving. Having said that, if you don't love your date and you're saying it solely to get into her pants, then you're even sleazier than I am -- and I'm trying super hard to be sleazy here. Also, if this is your first date, saying, "I love you" is incredibly creepy.
The Wrong Approach:
Given the problems referenced above, you might be tempted to just try something cute. Something like saying, "Hey, I have a spinning wheel. Want to sculpt some clay?" Or maybe dropping your pants, pointing to your junk and saying, "Hey wanna sculpt some, um, clay?" There is a problem with this approach, however. It is retarded.
The Right Approach:
Dim the lights. Put on the movie's theme song, "Unchained Melody," and offer your date a deep-tissue massage from behind. This way, she can more easily imagine Patrick Swayze in his prime instead of your ugly ass. That might hurt your pride. It might create a void in your soul, yearning to be desired for the man you are. But you won't think about these things until at least two or even three minutes after your orgasm. And that's what matters. Also, unlike Swayze, you're still alive. Who's the loser now? Well, you still are because he seemed like a really nice guy, and he sure was an attractive fellow, but tomorrow's another day!