5 Sleazy Strategies for Turning Any Movie Date Into Sex
"Dinner and a movie" have been a dating standard for as long as there have been men interested in having sex without having to spend hours talking to their date first. But how to make the transition from passively enjoying entertainment next to your companion, to actively enjoying entertainment inside her? This question has plagued sensitive young men for years. And sometimes, it's just a few simple words that separate post-celluloid sex from rejection. How many times have you shelled out $20 at the local cinema (or wasted precious minutes downloading black market movies to your laptop) only to be told by your date that she doesn't see you that way or she wants to wait or that something about sitting next to you for two hours has suddenly turned her off to men? Well, never again. Watch and learn as I shepherd you through the right and wrong moves for your movie dates. To help illustrate, I have selected five titles and present them now in order of difficulty. Please be advised that I haven't seen any of these films since their release so I might be a little sketchy on details, but these tried and true courting techniques remain accurate nonetheless.
Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out a lot and wear bikinis in and out of pools. Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon might be in this movie too. And I know Bill Murray is in there somewhere for some reason.
Boogie Nights70s porn star Dirk Diggler has a penis that's even longer than this movie. Also, like the movie, it works really well in the beginning, gets a little lost later on and then ends strong.
GhostThe ghost of Patrick Swayze finds a way to contact his widow Demi Moore so they can bang one last time, albeit via Whoopi Goldberg lesbian sex.
Finding NemoMarlin, an overprotective father fish, loses his boy Nemo and learns an important lesson about letting go with the help of a brain-damaged blue fish named Dory.Level of Difficulty: 7 Nothing about this movie is putting your date off sex, but nothing about it is getting her hot either. How do you play it?
Human CentipedeA mad German physician stitches three people together mouth to anus while Satan waits in hell for the even more perverse torture awaiting writer/director Tom Six.Level of Difficulty: 9Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is a hard sell. Unless your date has a scatological fetish, its gonna be hard to turn her thoughts to sex.
Gladstone is Cracked.com's Senior Resident Warlock. Follow him on Twitter. And then there's this. He has a website too.
For more awful tips, check out The 5 Worst Sources of Advice on Television and The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published.