5 Sleazy Strategies for Turning Any Movie Date Into Sex
"Dinner and a movie" have been a dating standard for as long as there have been men interested in having sex without having to spend hours talking to their date first. But how to make the transition from passively enjoying entertainment next to your companion, to actively enjoying entertainment inside her? This question has plagued sensitive young men for years. And sometimes, it's just a few simple words that separate post-celluloid sex from rejection. How many times have you shelled out $20 at the local cinema (or wasted precious minutes downloading black market movies to your laptop) only to be told by your date that she doesn't see you that way or she wants to wait or that something about sitting next to you for two hours has suddenly turned her off to men? Well, never again. Watch and learn as I shepherd you through the right and wrong moves for your movie dates. To help illustrate, I have selected five titles and present them now in order of difficulty. Please be advised that I haven't seen any of these films since their release so I might be a little sketchy on details, but these tried and true courting techniques remain accurate nonetheless.
Wild ThingsDenise Richards and Neve Campbell make out a lot and wear bikinis in and out of pools. Matt Dillon and/or Kevin Bacon might be in this movie too. And I know Bill Murray is in there somewhere for some reason. Level of Difficulty: 2 OK, right off the bat you're in good shape. The film is dripping with sex and that helps set the mood. Best of all, it doesn't have a Brad Pitt or Leonardo Dicaprio in it, so there's no fear your date is going to turn to you when the lights come on and wonder why her life has gone so horribly wrong. The challenge here is mostly not to mess it up. She's already thinking fun time faux-lesbian thoughts after all that softcore porn. Primed and ready to go.The Wrong Approach: Turning to your date and saying, "Hey, baby. I have an idea. You be Neve Campbell and I'll be Denise Richards." This is an understandable mistake, but wrong. First of all, be a gentleman. Make your date the hot one. But actually that's not such a good idea either. Because outside of a three month period in 1998, no one has ever spent much time fantasizing about Neve Campbell. You don't want to be her.
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Boogie Nights70s porn star Dirk Diggler has a penis that's even longer than this movie. Also, like the movie, it works really well in the beginning, gets a little lost later on and then ends strong.
GhostThe ghost of Patrick Swayze finds a way to contact his widow Demi Moore so they can bang one last time, albeit via Whoopi Goldberg lesbian sex.
Finding NemoMarlin, an overprotective father fish, loses his boy Nemo and learns an important lesson about letting go with the help of a brain-damaged blue fish named Dory.Level of Difficulty: 7 Nothing about this movie is putting your date off sex, but nothing about it is getting her hot either. How do you play it?
Human CentipedeA mad German physician stitches three people together mouth to anus while Satan waits in hell for the even more perverse torture awaiting writer/director Tom Six.Level of Difficulty: 9Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is a hard sell. Unless your date has a scatological fetish, its gonna be hard to turn her thoughts to sex.
Gladstone is Cracked.com's Senior Resident Warlock. Follow him on Twitter. And then there's this. He has a website too.